April 2, 2015

My Black Cloud

Since my wreck, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I will get to my wreck towards the end of the blog. My life has always, I will stress always had a black cloud over it. I was born with one needless to say and it's a big black cloud.

I wrote a book about my life. I am just sitting on it until I find a better way to publish it. Outskirts Press has made me extremely gun shy with their embezzling ways they have destroyed me and my soul to write. I loathe that company anyways it will be published when the time is right. As a child I've always had that black cloud to follow me around. My childhood was tough most would say I was too spoiled most don't know what went on behind closed doors. I have the most awesome mom in the world at one time I would have beg the differ but we got past that when I got pregnant with my first born and our bond has been strong ever since. My dad was the military dad, I was the son he never had. I was the only child between them. My mom had 2 boys from a previous marriage. They were like 10 and 12 when I was born. My father had a daughter from a previous marriage. I really don't give a fuck how the story goes. Which it's a long one BTW. That's his daughter, end of story. I have 2 stepbrother's and 1 step sister. My father was something else. It was his way or no way. He was number one at all times. My dad was stern with brutal words. In my own words, he wasn't doing his job if he didn't make you cry that day with his belittling vocabulary that came out of his mouth. I put up with that shit for 37 years and I am 41 now. For 37 years my head had so much poison filled in it and my way of thinking because of his actions and his words I did not know if I was coming or going. I stayed fucked up inside my own head for many years, I guess I was dazed and confused most of the time. Military life with hurtful words I might add. Don't get me twisted we had good times but I remember the bad times a whole lot more. I love my dad from a distance I do. I removed that poison out of my body it took 4 years to do it and I don't have any intentions to put it back in if you know what I mean. He better treat my kids, his granddaughter and grandson with respect, that's all I am going to say about that. I love my kids dearly, one is 20 and one will soon to be 18. I think me and my mom done a fine job raising them. I have good kids and I am extremely proud of them.

Looking for love. I was married twice. The first time I was married 34 days and my 2nd was for 4 years. I get a kick out of this my divorces were final the 1st time was August 6th the 2nd time August the 5th just 5 years apart. Got out of one frying pan into another. It's been 15 years since I seen a wedding day 17 years from my 1st one been single since 2004. I look for love in ALL the wrong places.  I'm like damn it man that black cloud of mine gets blacker when a man is around I guess. I find men that are not quite over another female. They still have the ex on the brain. That's where my disfunction state of mind sets it. Love goes down the wrong path, the path of destruction begins. I have one baby daddy praise God for that. I had my kids out of wedlock if you haven’t already did the math by now. I married because I thought I should do it for them. I woke up 34 days later, I told myself, I can't be doing this shit for the rest of my life. That's a long road to hold and I don't need to be in that mess. My rewards from that marriage is my daughter and my son. I don't regret it one bit. The one I regret is my 2nd marriage. If I had a delete button I would delete that shit in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. With his non-tax paying ass. 4 years of hell and 8 years of stalking, slandering and bullying with corruption of the cops to boot. My first book the one I got scammed on, is about that life. Conway County, Arkansas can suck my dick. May I find love one day. I found it but it's on one of the levels I talked about up above. I found a quote yesterday and I text it too him because the quote speaks on so many levels because it holds the truth. I feel that way 100% he needs to heal himself first. We have been thru the ringer together on so many levels and I hang in there like a hair in biscuit. However I understand this situation to the fullest even if he thinks I don't. I can honestly say I am in love with him and I have thousands of readers that will be reading this too. I love him so much but he needs to fix the kinks within himself because I can't fix it. I am finally in love truly in love and I hope to hell we will be together one day. I know what I have been through. I respect him enough to fix himself before I evolve with him. I have a bad habit spoiling men and I could spoil him only when he is ready. I've never been truly in love until now. I hope it works out. This kind of love is rare and I know it.

Me and my black cloud. I was getting ready for work one afternoon, I just came off a 7 day 12 hour shift work schedule. Yes, 84 hours in a week. I had 3 nights off and I work 1 night and going back in for my 2nd I was just doing 3 in a row until the weekend. I had plans to make a trip so I was working as much as I could. I'm a born hustler, I work and make shit happen in my life make sure everything is done. I've been hustling since 1990 age of 16. There are jobs out there trust me. I've been in the medical field since 1992. I left for work that afternoon, I got not even a half mile down the road. I saw this truck flying like a bat out of hell he did not stop at the stop sign. I seen it coming he had to be doing 60 he was flying across the intersection, did not stop at the stop sign, we hit and in was a hell of an impact. My car spun around so fast like I was going back home. I'm glad that were no on coming cars I would have died in an instant especially a semi. My air bags went off from one end to another. I had my seatbelt on. I remember the truck went over me (touched my hood) landed upside down by a semi. I got out of the car and I was dizzy, light headed and I fainted a guy came to my rescue he was the one that was at the opposite side of the road at the stop sign he was stopped and seen the whole wreck happen. The truck landed by his door upside down. So much was going on at that point.  Then I seen my little cousin get out of the truck then I passed out again. That time I felt something was not right the air in my body was going way. I kept saying something is not right with me I felt it, then I faded out, I felt the air leaving from my body then I all of sudden I seen the wreck from above at the intersection, I had an out of body experience, yes I did. Then I had a whisper in my ear someone told me I need to leave Arkansas because there's stuff I need to do and I know what it is. Well that scared the shit out of me needless to say. Then all of a sudden there was a jolt. The air was coming back to me. Then I looked up I seen Gina my cousin. I was teary eyed when I seen her because I couldn't explain what had happened. I was in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. I was told if I was a 30 seconds to a minute faster everyone would have died all 6 of us. My family would have buried 2 of us at the same time, to think about that makes me sad. I am thankful for the Arkansas State Police working my accident because the county would have thrown me under the bus. I am very lucky to be alive today and come out the way I did. I have shortness of breath now I get wiped out quick, I am still in pain from the trauma of the wreck. I get numb sitting down or laying, I am very concerned about that. I can't get around like I did before. I can not work a 12 right now but I'm working on getting better tho. I seen my life flash right before my eyes and I seen the wreck from above. I know what I need to do because my life was spared once again. I swear I think I am a fucking cat with 9 lives. I know when it's time for me to go. I will be in good hands because he has protected me all my life and he has seen what I have been through my quote I have tattooed on me,  "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers." I honestly believe that because I'm one strong bitch for what I have been through in life. I haven't had an easy one at all.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.