July 19, 2015

The Horror in Hooterville (triolgy) short-story

As the time goes by for the woman that lives in Hooterville, Arkansas was getting worse for her. It was approaching 4 months, NO car. She had to put in her 2 weeks notice in at work because she had NO means to get there. The situation where she was living changed. She had NO income coming in either. As she was reflecting what had happened to her over the past 4 months. All she was doing that day was going to work plus she was leaving for Connecticut the following week exactly a week to be honest. Then her life changed before her eyes. This was NOT her fault at all but she was getting punished for it to the fullest. It was NOT her fault that the cops covered up the wreck she had NO control over that what so ever. She couldn't help that they listen to low life scumbags and most likely got a good pay off. This was NOT her fault by any means. The corruption just drowned her everyday where it made her hard to breathe.

Someone was talking to her and they stated, whoever is involved in this cover up their names will be brought to light and this will be brought into the media without any obligations from her. It will not be her to bring this to the media. The ones that are supposed to be doing their jobs right will bring it to the media. Whoever is involved in this cover up will be fired on the spot. Faces and names will be addressed properly to the media. This is a bad cover up and this will be addressed. The pictures and the police report don't match. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Wrong report that is not good enough 4 months into the wreck we are not going to listen to that nonsense. He calls that bullshit. Someone will be owning up to this and people will get fired over it and what the criminal case can't do the civil case will finish it. This is a very bad situation the corruption is malice a bad situation all away around needless to say. Whoever done this will have to pay the price. Then she knew this was a lot worse than she thought. They told her not to worry justice is on it's way. Just to relax faces and names will be brought to light soon enough.

She had been feeling a bit on edge lately however she had a premonition/dream a foggy type dream behind the veils type stuff. She seen exactly what was going to happen. Sometimes she thinks this is a curse or gift to have that psyche ability with a built in intuition. Nothing can't gets past her. She analyzed it and she knew how bad this situation was. Then she did a ritual and she called on God, the universe and her spirit guides to help her through this because she couldn't do this alone. She knew she was on dangerous grounds. She needed protection. She knew that her civil case will be exactly what she needed for justice. She will not feel one bit sorry for anyone that gets fired or whoever's name gets smeared. All these years of being defeated, oh she's crazy the list just goes on. This situation bit everyone that was involved on the ass and that made her very happy with a BIG smile on her face. Karma-what goes around comes back around.


==ON THE NOTE==
Since she has been beat to the ground for taking matters into her own hands pursuing the civil case. Put her shoes on for once. What if you were driving to work or wherever, someone was going about 60 miles an hour passing a stop sign at an intersection they did NOT stop thinking they can beat you before the punch, which you had the right of way. They hit you. Then you found out there was alcohol all over the place later on. The police gave a sobriety test to the driver but none was taken on the police report they checked no test was done. That is a for sure sign that he failed the test, you can't get clearer than that. This was a cover up!!! You got tons of pictures sent to you and the police report doesn't match the pictures. It looked like a war zone. Lies upon lies. You nearly got killed. If she didn't carry the weight she had, she weighed 175 at that time and was in good shape. She would have had broken bones everywhere. Just think about it. You got hit by a drunk driver and the police covered it up over some favors. How would you feel? How would you feel when you discovered the REAL truth. Think before you criticize!!!!! She could have died that day, that cover up to make the alcohol go away would have never been brought to light. She doesn't feel one bit sorry for anyone that loses their job over this. Maybe they will think twice about covering a drunken mess up again. It pays to be truthful and honest. Karma and God doesn't like ugly. Here she's been without a car, hardly no money to her name and she had to quit her job because she had no way to get to work. May the civil lawyer rip through this county like the Tasmanian devil.

July 11, 2015

The Woman from Hooterville

The woman from Hooterville, Arkansas was dealing with so much turmoil and despair from her wreck that she had encountered by NO means it was not her fault what had happen to her it was a 'freak accident' needless to say, just popped out of nowhere. What was getting her down was the fact that she got hit by a drunk driver and the state police covered it up. This was causing so much anger issues within her it was hard for her to control, she was having a hard-time living a daily routine.
The audacity of the cops to cover up a drunken mess which she was 7 inches close to death dwelled on her mind. Her PTSD grows everyday no one I mean no one has thought about that.

One night she just collapsed to the floor because it was so much to take in. She knew some of the parents were involved in this, covered up the boys mishap and she knew the book she wrote about corruption took part in this as well. She had a lot on her mind and it was breaking her down. As she was crying an angel appeared before her. She found that quite comforting and she listened to the angel. Then she drifted off to sleep. She woke up and felt so much better and her mind was clearer.

 She knew what she had to do. She knew that she had to get a high profile civil lawyer either from the west coast or the east coast. She knew that she couldn't get a lawyer from the south, she had to break away from the 'good ole boy system' and the ties that bind it. She needed a bulldog in the court room a justice seeker. See the civil lawyer will evaluate the whole situation and especially her personal injury he sees no justice he will get justice for her in the end. He will rack everybody over the coals and that made her feel better.

She worried about money someone told her that the money will come at the end no need for her to worry about money this is a cut and dry situation. Her friend told her you have the leverage the ball is in her court any high profile civil lawyer would take her case in a heartbeat. He was very honest with her, he stated if she got 5 million, the civil lawyer would get half because of him being a high profile civil lawyer. She looked at him and stated, I don't care, the lawyer could take 3 million as long as she SEEN justice and a few fired from law enforcement that's what mattered to her the most. She needed justice and she will seek justice at all cost.

She needed a high profile lawyer to get her on the Dr. Phil show too because she knew in her heart that other people would step up the ones that had problems in this county as well. She wanted to turn her single civil lawsuit (her) into a class action lawsuit. She knew people would follow behind her she's confident about it. She knew she would have a massive meltdown on the show however she would feel 10 times better the next morning she had been living a nightmare for a long time now. She was moving to the east coast and she knew that Dr Phil would get her a good psychiatrist for about a year all due in respect she will need it. God has a plan for her, he didn't keep her alive for no reason at all. He chose her and she will do his job. What she needs to do is move to the east coast and clear her mind so she can take action and get this job done the right way, God's way to be exact.


FYI
Has anyone ever thought about the emotional, physical and mental exhaustion she had encountered over the years. It took a toll on her and she proceeded to write her book anyways. Then this wreck that came out of nowhere made her life more of a living hell.  The botched up police report that consisted of lies upon lies. It was a cover up and set up rolled into one. She has been without a car since day one of the wreck hardly no money to her name. They almost got away with it if it weren't for the pictures and the witnesses. She has been drug through hell even more since the wreck, has anyone thought about her emotional, physical and mental status since then. The answer is NO! She relied on a good law firm which they let her down as well. They did not do their jobs. Her and her mother did the investigation not them. This has been a total nightmare and now she is praying to God, the universe and her spirit guides to bring her a high profile Civil lawyer. Nothing has favored for her and now she hopes justice will prevail with a good civil lawyer and he should be able to take care of that for her. She has been defeated for so long now she needs a whisper of hope to favor for her. She needs a mean ass lawyer that means business and seek justice in the court room.

June 15, 2015

Once upon a time in Hooterville, Arkansas...... Short Story......

Once upon a time there was a free spirited young woman that lived in Hooterville. She had no cares in the world just a gypsy soul with a heart of gold. One day she met up with an old classmate. She already knew how he was but that silver tongue of his swayed her into his wicked world. He was the 'good ole boy' at its finest. She never had a clue what a nightmare she's about to go through.

They dated, they married and they divorced. 1999 to 2004 was a rocky time for the free spirited soul. 2004 til 2015 was nothing but a horror story from hell for her. Thugs and crooked cops destroyed her and her happiness. She had a hard time she struggled every day of her life but she still sank into the pits of hell. She was working so much she was burning the candle at both ends. She had 7 years of college but no degree just student loans out the ass to remind her that she tried. She also wrote a book about her situation kept the places just changed the names. Even though the publisher scammed her over her royalties she just kept positive and hope it turns out for the best. So she started her rituals and mantras and prayed for a way out. She was asking the God's, the universe and her spirit guides to get her to a peaceful place to live because she has been defeated this whole time all she wanted was to die because of the pain she lived with everyday so she prayed extremely hard for her way out. She needed to get those negative thoughts out of her head to be honest.

One day she got ready to go to work. She just got off an 7, 12 hour work pattern 7p to 7a 84 hours in 7  days with a few days off to start it all over again. So she pulled out to leave for work not even a half mile from the house she seen this truck doing about 60 not stopping at the stop sign at the intersection she had the right of way. I guess he thought he could beat her but he didn't they hit he flipped his truck upside down by a semi truck. If she was 30 seconds faster all 7 people would have lost their lives.

The cops came out and she was rushed to the ER. She was in and out like it was McDonald's. At that time she didn't know they were treating this as a minor accident not a major accident. She knew alcohol was a factor and it was all over the wreck scene. She and her family thought the cops would do their jobs right. Boy, they were wrong. The ER doctor and nurse told her she could go back to work the next day. Well, it took her 2 weeks to get out of bed right. She knew something was wrong at the beginning.

5 weeks almost 6 weeks later the police report came in however she already got her lawyer by that time. Shit was going down hill fast. She and her family looked at the police report and seen there was no alcohol stated, no reckless driving, no speeding at a school zone. They had 55 was the speed limit at the intersection at a school zone negative. No witnesses the semi driver was a witness,  he seen it all happened. Shit wasn't adding up. She had people to tell her a sobriety test was done on the driver but she looked at the report and none was taken. She knew right there it was a cover up and a set up rolled into one. There was angel that sent her 24 pictures of the wreck. That was a blessing from God. She took her pictures and took her police report and she seen that it didn't add up the police report was all wrong. They almost got away with it. She was 7 inches from death, she could have died, she would have died with a false police report by her side and the county would have gotten the very last laugh and nothing could have been done about it. At first the lawyer wasn't going to put the pictures in. She was like oh hell no. This was a cover up and major one to be exact. Yes, my pictures will be presented in my case over my dead body. The police report was WRONG damn it. This will be fixed or they all can go down together. She was so fed up at that point. She had enough of the bullshit.

So she is hoping for a fair settlement because of the hell she has been through. No car and barely no money to her name for almost 3 months now. She had an out of body experience at the wreck now she knows what to do. God, knows she's been defeated for many many years at Hooterville. He knows her soul is tired and worn down. He gave her this gift to set her free. Falsifying a police report, her 24 pictures (because a picture is worth more than a thousand words) concrete evidence,  her book to seal the deal. If she was lying in her book. She would have died that day. God wanted to free her soul and her worried heart let her be free to move where ever she wanted to go until it's time for him to bring her home. The media, the FBI and civil suit was his plan of action because God doesn't like ugly and he is setting an example to this county and the state because he chose her as the chosen one.

June 13, 2015

Public Service Announcement

I am going to blog about wrecks and whatever other kind of behavior that deals with police reports and stuff. Police reports are considered as hearsay, however if you have proof like pictures and videos it becomes concrete plus witnesses,  sometimes they are needed.

For an example, when you come across a wreck. How do I put this, in a good way? Make sure the ones that are hurt are okay or get help for them. Then, get your phones out and take pictures all away around the scene take videos too. Especially when alcohol and other stuff are involved. Take lots of videos and pictures of that too. Why are you stating this you might ask?

When the police report comes in and the pictures don't look like the report more less the police left stuff out looks like a cover up. Alcohol all around the wreck scene but no alcohol on the report and no sobriety test given. That will turn in to a shit storm from hell. When the police report is falsified. Trust me I know all about it. Pictures tells an exact story of the wreck how it happened, hands down. When alcohol or whatever  isn't on the police report, what if that person died. There goes justice thrown out the door. If you didn't have evidence there's not much you can say or do. That my friend is a sad situation but it happens all the time.

I don't care if you don't know them. Give them your number and tell them you have pictures and videos of the incident that happened and you are willing to help them out if the police report goes South or something goes wrong. Give a helping hand it goes a long ways. If it was me, take the pictures and videos put it on a travel drive give it to the victim or the family. They will need it that's a given. The best way to do it in my opinion.

Pictures and videos are worth a thousand words. You really don't need a witness because the pictures paints the story of how it really went down all by itself no words needed. When the pictures and the police report don't add up. The anger rises on such levels that would scare the shit out of anyone. Trust me I know all about it.

I am going to do a blog of an example it may be my experience or not. Corruption comes in all kinds of forms. The police are in hot water at the moment. I have seen beatings to a cop that put his knee into a 15 year old girl's back to some cops shutting down a lemonade stand because an 8 year didn't have a permit. So much ridiculous bullshit that doesn't make any sense. Just beware and give a helping hand when needed. Picture and a video is worth more than a thousand words. It tells a story all by itself.


May 19, 2015

Dear God, Dear Universe and Dear Spirit Guides......

Dear God, Dear Universe and Dear Spirit Guides...... I have my sage, candles and stones all the good positive stuff out when I start my ritual. I have been in sync like this for a long time now, it will make 2 months tomorrow since I had my wreck. I am more in tuned with God and the universe more than ever now. I have been dragged thru hell. There's so much wrong with this situation that doesn't make any sense. I got my 'get tough or die' attitude on. I have took a beat down from hell. If it wasn't for me kicking my spiritual level up notch, I would not be alive right now. Since day one of my wreck, I was tossed to the side. I had to get back up no other choice. No matter what kind of pain I was in. I looked at my car, I was close so close getting killed that day. God said, "not yet Tina." I was knocking on heavens door I promise that much.

Has anyone asked how I was feeling about this wreck in a logical sense, no not really. I am NOT the same person as I was before the wreck, I am different. I remember before my wreck, I was hustling my way in life. Working and burning candles at both ends still never getting ahead. I was still getting stuff taken away from me but I was still working massive amounts of hours just to push through. Now I have a troubled back, my leg and arms goes numb and it happens up to 7 times a day. My hands and feet get tingling. My stomach hurts too. I have stomach pains. My neck hurts and then headaches set in. I take about 2-4 Ibuprofen's a day. I don't take pain meds, I flush those down the commode ones I got from the doctor. I have good and bad days now. I don't know what to think about that at all. I know all of this I have to live with now. I am not the same person as I was before. PTSD has gotten worse I can tell. Especially when I am driving. STFU and let me drive and get us there. I see a difference there needless to say. Intolerance that's the best describing word for that. I get on edge. However, I know I have to push my way through. I have to deal and go on but it's there and it's not going anywhere. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I will get real stern with this one. I will make myself clear, I have had enough not being listen too. Then the medical bills, my insurance were going make me pay for them because they got to the point of being exhausted they said they couldn't pay anymore. Um, hell no! This wreck was NOT my fault and that wasn't going to happen, I am not paying for the medical bills. I got a lawyer. I get so tired of being shit on beyond tired! You talking about pain and suffering, there's not a word for my pain and suffering at this moment.

What pissed me off with this wreck, I got blamed for it. I was like, oh hell no. When you fly across an intersection, you do not stop at the stop sign. Hwy 9, I had the right of way. When you go about 50-60 miles an hour bypassing a stop sign. That is suicide and murder wrapped into one. You either want to kill yourself or someone else. It's that simple. No one dying from a situation like this, is a miracle from God. God was at that scene of destruction taking care of everyone. Obviously God has a plan for me and I know what it is too. I know I was making arrangements to move to the east coast this summer. Conway County and Arkansas has wore me down to the ground. I need a break and God's knows it. Yes, he does. On top of what is going on. I got a threatening phone call. However they weren't smart enough to block it. Yes, I got the number still.

That's why I am doing this blog. I have enough to deal with, I have no car. I had a NEW car, I got it 9-24-14 and it was totaled 3-24-15 six months to the day. I can't have anything in Arkansas. Not one damn thing. I have to depend on my mom she is on a fixed income too, dear fuck. I have to think about the book, I wrote too. If there is any kind of hanky panky bullshit. I will bring the house the down, I promise that much. I am pushed to my breaking point. I have had enough. I have to worry how I am going to get here and there. This is the first time in 25 years of me being without a car. I don't like this shit at all. I did not ask for this, I did not ask nearly getting killed either all I was doing was going to work and be a caregiver. I am done sick a fork in me. I had to live with high amounts of stress before the wreck, I am living in higher amounts of stress that pisses me off to no end.

I remember how peaceful I was on the east coast. I remember the tranquility. I know I can find jobs like I have been doing here in Arkansas. I almost got killed, God is telling me, life is too short. While I am still breathing air. I should be able to live anywhere I want if that brings me peace and happiness to my life. I am a good person, good heart and soul. I just stand my ground with my brutal honesty. That's why I am feisty and non-compliant. There is a certain man, that I love out there too. I know that I am a plane away or drive away to come back home from time to time. I know in my heart that I have ran my course here in Arkansas. It's time for me to be happy and live the remainder of my days on earth somewhere where I am content. That's all I am asking for and that's not that much. I will keeping talking to God, the universe and my spirit guides maybe they will help me move right along to where I belong.

May 10, 2015

This is why, I don't go to the doctor.

My wreck for an example.

Yes, I know that I work in the medical field, I have for 23 years now and I know what goes down. As I was leaving for work, this truck went past a stop sign doing about 50-60 miles an hour flying like a bat out of hell.  In a school zone too. Then we hit and all hell broke loose. It was a close call, for all 6 of us being dead matter of fact. I seen smoke or the airbags made my vision cloudy anyways I got out of the car real quick like and I passed out and then I woke back up and I called my mom, I passed out again. I was in and out of consciousness, I passed out again when I seen my little cousin. I was incapacitated for the most part. I knew something was not right with my body and I stated that at the scene but it didn't matter needless to say. The ambulance arrived, it took them 3 containers of air   aka oxygen to get to me the first two were empty. My oxygen at one point was going down fast. That's when I had that out-of body-experience, my pulse and oxygen was fading, I believe it took 2 or 3 pulse oximeters (because they did not work) to get the accurate reading. Then my pulse and oxygen slowly came back to me, a lot of my family was at the scene, they know what had happened. The ambulance was not equipped at all in my opinion. Then off to the ER, I go. I was there no more than 4 hours tops. In my heart of all hearts I really don't think that the communication between the ambulance ride and ER was not up to par needless to say. I know I was hit at high impact and lost consciousness few times. I was not in a blood and guts accident however the impact I was in, caused my back and neck to hurt extremely bad and my left hand was swollen, my skin seemed to be on fire from the airbags that went off in the car and I had bruises galore and some cuts. Hell my right knee bent my car keys and I have a picture to prove it. I did a cat-scan when I got there but there were hardly any questions after and that was odd. See, I did not have insurance so therefore I was treated and released as soon as they could get me out of their hair. That is the God's honest truth about this situation. I was discriminated because I did not have insurance. That is being down right truthful with my brutal honesty. Here I was hit on high impact because there was no blood and guts involved doesn't mean that I didn't get hurt. I was in and I was out under 4 hours in the ER. Me blacking out at the scene did not matter I guess. I was told that I could go back to work the very next day. My mom heard that, she was in shock, the look on her face was priceless. Here I had a sling on my left arm, I could barely move and I hurt oh so bad. On my way out of the hospital, I was getting my results from the doctor. I work in Little Rock at a hospital and I have never seen this kind of treatment in my life. This particular ER made me feel like a piece of shit and to be honest about it. I would have been better off to have died in the wreck that's another brutal honest opinion of mine. I am hardcore with my words, and with my truth. I do not sugarcoat bullshit. I call it like I see it. I hope and pray that my lawyer will take care of business because I am tired of getting screwed over when this wreck was not my fault at all. I need some kind of relief with my pain and suffering.

So the next day, I hurt so bad, I could hardly move. I had my sling on my left arm. I was having neck pain and back pain numbness and tingling was all over my body. They told me to get a primary doctor and I couldn't seem to get one because I did not have insurance. No one didn't want to direct me to any kind of help. I was thinking how the ER doctor and the ER nurse told me I could go back to work the next day. It took a week and a half to get out of bed properly. I was still hurting, I went back to the ER for an MRI, I was in and out getting my results going out the door once again. That ER was cold hearted. Go see a primary doctor they said, tell me where to go? No answer. I was fed up at that point and someone told me a law-firm to call. I called them. Guess what? I got a doctor and physical therapist the next day. I got the help I need and dealing with insurance companies are a joke too. They will screw you over without the KY. I couldn't believe my eyes with the insurance companies. It's been 6 weeks since the wreck. I have no car and I have no rental. I have to bum rides and so on to get to my appointments. Yes, I am being drugged through hell. This wreck was not my fault and I am the one that is getting shit on. However that is the story of my life. So everyone's life is peachy. Driving and working but me. I'm the one that is hurt trying to get better. I had a relapse in PT but I will make it through, I was lifting and I woke up the beast that resides in my back my numbness came back 50% worse. I have a get tough or die attitude, I will push through this like a boss. If I could work, I would, how the fuck would I get there? Walk? I think not. I am the 'Man in the Box'  with this situation. I hope I never have another wreck if I do, I hope the hell I die in it.  No need to live through that shit again. This is a freaking nightmare.

Moral of this story, I don't go to the doctor. I think I have went twice in 18 years I had my daughter in 1995 and my son 1997, this made the 3rd time in that time span with my wreck. I think that is impressive to go to the doctor in 18 years and you can count it on one hand. Medical field is big-business. They don't give a fuck about you but they give a fuck about the money. I take prenatal vitamins, (hair, nails, skin vitamin), kelp, cinnamon, B-12 and D also Cell Food, I put some drops in a 4 once glass of V8. I heal myself with herbs rather than chemical bullshit that keeps you sick because they want your money. I'm not a frequent flyer and I don't give a shit about pain pills. I took the pain pills from my wreck for 2 weeks and I flushed the rest. I know what pain pills will do. I'm not a dope head. I take my herbal vitamins and cell food go on about my business. That is why I don't have insurance because I don't go, why pay? Now with Obama Care, I will have to get insurance before I file my taxes next year. My ex has insurance for the kids but they don't get sick, they are 18 and 20. I breastfed my children. I was taking plenty of vitamins too while doing it.  I am a healer and I heal myself when I am sick. No need for doctors.

April 14, 2015

My Godforsaken Life

Let's stroll down memory lane. I opened this blog on October of 2010 (Blogspot) however I started this crusade, September 17th 2010. I had enough of the bullshit in Conway County,  Arkansas. I moved back in May of 2010, my nerves got the best of me by September. I couldn't get any help from anywhere. These motherfuckers were running me absolutely bat-shit CRAZY. The thugs and the crooked cops, I couldn't take it any longer. I made my way to an open diary to the public because I straight up didn't give a fuck at that point in time, it was documentation at its finest. Dealing with Slandering, Stalking and Bullying right along with sexual assault at one time. My cup had runneth over. I've had a tough time, hard road to hold in life from this. This good ole boy bullshit just disgust me to no end. Makes me want to vomit to be honest. I took a mental beating from these idiots for many, many years and it's 2015 needless to say. I done enough blogs on that subject it's all in the archives.

Strolling along, I had to write people off in my life from here and there. One of them happened to be my father. All the crap I was taking from the punk ass bitches and him took a toll on me. However I have dealt with this all my life, well 37 years I did, that was the age I walked away from it. I put it in the fuck it bucket and moved on. I had a lot to tell me I was a cold hearted bitch removing blood from my life. The way I viewed it, I have dealt with bullying all my motherfucking life. I got my belly full no more for me I told myself. I don't give a shit about blood ties. When a parent makes their child cry or make them upset because they get satisfaction from it. Well, they can go straight to hell for all I care. When you see a smirk on their face because it makes them happy to see you upset. I am the type of person to put my middle finger in the air and say see ya in hell motherfucka while I walk away. Tina doesn't have time for that nonsense. I was getting too old for that shit anyways.

Let's keep on strolling, it was brought to my attention to write a book. I was like I can do that but the ending would be a nightmare to write because I'm a blogger not an author. My ending is still on going. I don't have an ending. So I sat down and wrote a book and I was amazed at myself over the ending which by the way, was an awesome fictional way out. My fear was publishing it and getting screwed over. I researched and researched I thought I found a good company so I thought. I spent $1500 to publish my book and I made about $250 with a quarter of a million followers. Yup, I got screwed over, scammed and fucked in the ass all the same time. My book sold out twice. I did a blog on it and it's a must read too.  It's the beginning of the launch where you make your money at, the big lump sum that I did not see at all, they did I did not. Then it's hit or miss later on as the time goes on its all about the beginning that's where the money lies at. Outskirts Press can suck my ever loving dick. I hope karma gets them and hope she fucks them in the ass for a change. They have screwed over many, many authors it's a damn shame too.

Still Strolling, the hardships and adversities that's all I have ever seen in my life, that's all I know. I try and try still get shit thrown in my face no matter what I do its not good enough. I work my ass off,  burning the candle at both ends. One thing about me, I am street smart and street tough. I had to be, no one I mean no one can bullshit me. I will call their ass out. I loathe fake motherfuckers. I don't have room in my life for fake people hell no I don't. Be real with me or leave me the fuck alone. That's how I feel about it. No matter what, I will give my shirt off my back if someone really needs it. I'm that person. Life hates me maybe it's because I stand stern and take no shit off of anyone who knows but I will never change who I am though. I will have that fuck'em feed them fish heads attitude until the day I die.

My stroll almost ended, on March 24, 2015. I am about to get real and raw about this shit. FYI, I know what was said about this wreck and this wreck was not my fault what so ever. It was about a week after I had my wreck. I got fed up. I didn't have insurance and I was having trouble getting help until I got a lawyer then it all changed for me. My back and neck hurt so bad. I got off to myself. I closed my door and I slide down it, I started to cry and my anxiety sky rocketed to the roof. I looked back on my life, 3 attempted suicides. 89, 93 and 2010. I have had several nervous breakdowns over the years. I got clean on my own with no help at all. My pregnancy brought me out of that hole thank God withdraws and all but I pulled thru it with a healthy baby girl. I have been thru a lot of shit in my life. Now in 2015 I'm tired and wore out. I'm sick of everything. Trying and not getting nowhere in life. I just hit my point couldn't go any further. Done so done. Stick a fork in me.

This is what I think, I wished I would have died in that wreck. I would have been better off and everybody around me would have been better off too, I live in misery. I'm sick of disappointments. I've blogged about it.  I'm not going to hide this fucking shit from anyone this is how I fucking feel it is what it is. Everything I do is a dead-end for me true story. Trying gets so old when you can't go anywhere with it, what's the point? Getting screwed over all the time that's all I expect that's fucking bullshit to live like that. My wreck would have been a way out. Death is a reward. No more sickness no more sorrow no more worries. You're free just free of life's chaos. I am not afraid to die. To me death is beautiful no more pain or suffering nor depression. Obviously life wants to torture me some more or I need to go to my calling. I know what it is, the FEDS should let me be and let me rock this shit out, the way it should be done. Who knows what will happen.

All I ever wanted was peace and tranquility. That's not much to ask for. I can't believe how this wreck played out the way it did, I am still here. My neck and back hurts so bad, hoping it will get better soon. I want to live in one of the New England States. I am so relaxed when I am out there. It's hard to describe however I think it's time for me to have peace in my life this suffering shit in the south has really got me down and out. If I had one wish,  I wish for a reset button in my life for peace and tranquility. I'm tired and worn down. The miracle I need is the miracle I wish for. I hope it comes true I really do.

April 2, 2015

My Black Cloud

Since my wreck, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I will get to my wreck towards the end of the blog. My life has always, I will stress always had a black cloud over it. I was born with one needless to say and it's a big black cloud.

I wrote a book about my life. I am just sitting on it until I find a better way to publish it. Outskirts Press has made me extremely gun shy with their embezzling ways they have destroyed me and my soul to write. I loathe that company anyways it will be published when the time is right. As a child I've always had that black cloud to follow me around. My childhood was tough most would say I was too spoiled most don't know what went on behind closed doors. I have the most awesome mom in the world at one time I would have beg the differ but we got past that when I got pregnant with my first born and our bond has been strong ever since. My dad was the military dad, I was the son he never had. I was the only child between them. My mom had 2 boys from a previous marriage. They were like 10 and 12 when I was born. My father had a daughter from a previous marriage. I really don't give a fuck how the story goes. Which it's a long one BTW. That's his daughter, end of story. I have 2 stepbrother's and 1 step sister. My father was something else. It was his way or no way. He was number one at all times. My dad was stern with brutal words. In my own words, he wasn't doing his job if he didn't make you cry that day with his belittling vocabulary that came out of his mouth. I put up with that shit for 37 years and I am 41 now. For 37 years my head had so much poison filled in it and my way of thinking because of his actions and his words I did not know if I was coming or going. I stayed fucked up inside my own head for many years, I guess I was dazed and confused most of the time. Military life with hurtful words I might add. Don't get me twisted we had good times but I remember the bad times a whole lot more. I love my dad from a distance I do. I removed that poison out of my body it took 4 years to do it and I don't have any intentions to put it back in if you know what I mean. He better treat my kids, his granddaughter and grandson with respect, that's all I am going to say about that. I love my kids dearly, one is 20 and one will soon to be 18. I think me and my mom done a fine job raising them. I have good kids and I am extremely proud of them.

Looking for love. I was married twice. The first time I was married 34 days and my 2nd was for 4 years. I get a kick out of this my divorces were final the 1st time was August 6th the 2nd time August the 5th just 5 years apart. Got out of one frying pan into another. It's been 15 years since I seen a wedding day 17 years from my 1st one been single since 2004. I look for love in ALL the wrong places.  I'm like damn it man that black cloud of mine gets blacker when a man is around I guess. I find men that are not quite over another female. They still have the ex on the brain. That's where my disfunction state of mind sets it. Love goes down the wrong path, the path of destruction begins. I have one baby daddy praise God for that. I had my kids out of wedlock if you haven’t already did the math by now. I married because I thought I should do it for them. I woke up 34 days later, I told myself, I can't be doing this shit for the rest of my life. That's a long road to hold and I don't need to be in that mess. My rewards from that marriage is my daughter and my son. I don't regret it one bit. The one I regret is my 2nd marriage. If I had a delete button I would delete that shit in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. With his non-tax paying ass. 4 years of hell and 8 years of stalking, slandering and bullying with corruption of the cops to boot. My first book the one I got scammed on, is about that life. Conway County, Arkansas can suck my dick. May I find love one day. I found it but it's on one of the levels I talked about up above. I found a quote yesterday and I text it too him because the quote speaks on so many levels because it holds the truth. I feel that way 100% he needs to heal himself first. We have been thru the ringer together on so many levels and I hang in there like a hair in biscuit. However I understand this situation to the fullest even if he thinks I don't. I can honestly say I am in love with him and I have thousands of readers that will be reading this too. I love him so much but he needs to fix the kinks within himself because I can't fix it. I am finally in love truly in love and I hope to hell we will be together one day. I know what I have been through. I respect him enough to fix himself before I evolve with him. I have a bad habit spoiling men and I could spoil him only when he is ready. I've never been truly in love until now. I hope it works out. This kind of love is rare and I know it.

Me and my black cloud. I was getting ready for work one afternoon, I just came off a 7 day 12 hour shift work schedule. Yes, 84 hours in a week. I had 3 nights off and I work 1 night and going back in for my 2nd I was just doing 3 in a row until the weekend. I had plans to make a trip so I was working as much as I could. I'm a born hustler, I work and make shit happen in my life make sure everything is done. I've been hustling since 1990 age of 16. There are jobs out there trust me. I've been in the medical field since 1992. I left for work that afternoon, I got not even a half mile down the road. I saw this truck flying like a bat out of hell he did not stop at the stop sign. I seen it coming he had to be doing 60 he was flying across the intersection, did not stop at the stop sign, we hit and in was a hell of an impact. My car spun around so fast like I was going back home. I'm glad that were no on coming cars I would have died in an instant especially a semi. My air bags went off from one end to another. I had my seatbelt on. I remember the truck went over me (touched my hood) landed upside down by a semi. I got out of the car and I was dizzy, light headed and I fainted a guy came to my rescue he was the one that was at the opposite side of the road at the stop sign he was stopped and seen the whole wreck happen. The truck landed by his door upside down. So much was going on at that point.  Then I seen my little cousin get out of the truck then I passed out again. That time I felt something was not right the air in my body was going way. I kept saying something is not right with me I felt it, then I faded out, I felt the air leaving from my body then I all of sudden I seen the wreck from above at the intersection, I had an out of body experience, yes I did. Then I had a whisper in my ear someone told me I need to leave Arkansas because there's stuff I need to do and I know what it is. Well that scared the shit out of me needless to say. Then all of a sudden there was a jolt. The air was coming back to me. Then I looked up I seen Gina my cousin. I was teary eyed when I seen her because I couldn't explain what had happened. I was in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. I was told if I was a 30 seconds to a minute faster everyone would have died all 6 of us. My family would have buried 2 of us at the same time, to think about that makes me sad. I am thankful for the Arkansas State Police working my accident because the county would have thrown me under the bus. I am very lucky to be alive today and come out the way I did. I have shortness of breath now I get wiped out quick, I am still in pain from the trauma of the wreck. I get numb sitting down or laying, I am very concerned about that. I can't get around like I did before. I can not work a 12 right now but I'm working on getting better tho. I seen my life flash right before my eyes and I seen the wreck from above. I know what I need to do because my life was spared once again. I swear I think I am a fucking cat with 9 lives. I know when it's time for me to go. I will be in good hands because he has protected me all my life and he has seen what I have been through my quote I have tattooed on me,  "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers." I honestly believe that because I'm one strong bitch for what I have been through in life. I haven't had an easy one at all.

March 18, 2015

Tina's Thoughts Tina's Words

Relationships are hard now-a-days to be honest especially long-distance relationships really get the (shit-end) of the stick that's real talk.  When you try like a motherfucker I mean try til you drop out with exhaustion. Then you need to regroup your thoughts of the situation and see if it's worth it or not unlike like me I don't want to give up. I was fucking crazy when I was 16 to 29, bat-shit crazy to be exact. I hated myself in that time period if I could and I would kick my own ass up between my shoulders because of my STUPIDITY I sure in the hell would without a doubt. From 30 to 39,  I was in hibernation. I got out from time to time later on like 33 or 34. My assault put a spin on things. I stayed away from the dating world and I knew that was for the best I trusted my instincts. Then I started to mingle in my mid-thirties got out more. I had circumstances come up, they wanted to marry me after the first date.  Well, that drew my asshole up in a knot because I ain't got time for that. I had to shy away from those episodes. I was a no strings attached kinda woman. I did not want my kids see one man after another come in and out their lives. That will totally fuck up a kid especially girls. I did not want my daughter to be a whore. She has had one boyfriend and they will be getting married soon and they are not going to have kids until they are financially stable. Thank goodness I done something right with my children. Education, good job then kids. I hope my son does the same. When you have men coming and going out of your children's life they are bound to be mentally fucked up when they are grown.  I'm being honest. I dated on the low. Then I got 39 my kids ages were 18 and 16, I thought I would get back into the dating game. I thought I was ready to do it again. Online dating is amazing so I tried it. I was on match at one time. I got out of that very fast like because it's total bullshit. I just wanted to find someone that got me and I got them. I found it September of 2013. Now I can say I went thru hell and back for a man. I don't normally do that, I am the type to throw up my duces and say see ya biaaatch! I was a mess at one point in my life, chaos at its finest. I got my shit together some-what I did. I was looking for a new future and stability with new hopes. It's fucking harder than I expected it to be. Falling totally madly deeply in love with someone that was opposite from what I wanted.  He is the version of me in my twenties right now.  I see it very clearly. Then I have others trying to talk to me. Giving me the moon and stars in the process. Talking that good talk.  I am sitting here thinking about this one person and hoping for a change that moment he realizes I am a good catch. I have others in my ear whispering sweet nothings. I am the type that stands my ground God knows I've been thru some major hell in my life. The one I want really should to do some soul-searching that sucks major monkey balls. He should put the hoes on the DL see what he wants in his life. I have a bad habit pettin' and pampering men. It's a bad habit but I am really good at it and that is a downfall too. I work hard and I play hard needless to say. I have always lived by my motto. Get tough or die. That's why I hustle like I do. Here lately when you see distance with someone, when they USED to text back quick then it starts slipping to texting 20 minutes or an hour later and it wasn't like that in the beginning. There's someone else in the picture. I am stating the obvious because it's true.  Games are being played and I don't have time for that nonsense at all. When someone else is trying to give you the moon and stars, then you are start to get interested in that picture. The one you want is not going your direction that's when things starts to split or get lost I just hate that.  When I am put in a position that I feel worthless or POS I have to redirect myself, I know my worth. I know I'm a good woman with a good heart and soul. I've had one hell of a life straight out of hell needless to say. I think I am ready for a piece of heaven because all due in respect I deserve that much. I am not getting any younger I need peace and tranquility that is not much to ask for.  Maybe I need to stay by myself who knows. I really hope for the best with me and I am not high maintenance and I don't ask for much.  However something really needs to give with me some kind of change should come into play. I am mentally, physically and emotionally drained at the moment, I am tapped the fuck out. I need to be revived to a peaceful state of mind with someone that loves me for who I am not those hoes on social media. I go up and beyond for people. I wish someone would do the same for me for once and make me feel special.  Only one can hope for a good outcome I know I need it. Life shouldn't be so damn complicated but it is but I will keep on trying. Settling down and having coffee on a Saturday morning sounds like a plan to me.  Coffee and conversions, sex is up there but communication knocks that out the ballpark when you get older. Just being civil  to each other sounds delightful. Stability at its most awesome level. May I reach that point one day.

March 5, 2015

The Struggle

I must have done something extremely bad in my past lifetime. My life has not been pleasant at all. I've had my highs and my lows. As I look back on my 41 years I've had more lows than the highs. I've seen a crippling factor needless to say and that isn't good at all. I just wish my kids would work and drive they are 18 and 20 they really need to do this.  The world is absolutely a fucking bitch. I was driving and working at the age of 16 I just don't get this at all.  I hope they snap out of it and get their hustle on. I will pray for my children. They need to look at their mother and father make a difference in their life that's the God's honest truth not do a repeat change the cycle.

When I moved to Sherwood in 2005, I had a friend at work to introduce me to something different and I was intrigued. I researched it and started around 2006 with her guidance. I was going to church at that time and all. I knew my beliefs and where I was at in my life. I wanted to bring what she taught me and my beliefs together. She showed me the way. I live in the south and that shit doesn't fly,  hell to the no it doesn't. When she showed me how everything worked from the stones, crystal, sage and of course the candles. I knew I belonged with this belief but I wanted the Christian ways too. I'm not the church type person. I have religion in my heart and I go to church everyday in my privacy of my own home or wherever I may be.  Going to church,  it's an organized religion big-business all about the money, don't get me started. I noticed I was feeling relieved with my daily ritual. The stones, crystal, sage, candles and so much more they were making me feel better deep inside my soul. I was lost and confused most of all alone. I was alone for many many years.  I still feel that way today.  I got good at it and I was bringing in my Christian ways along with it. I felt complete. I am a loner. I don't let too many people in my private life for many reasons to name. I have been burned too many times. I want to stay away from the negative people or things as much as possible. So I found an outlet but it's not the norm in the south I know that. However I did not care, this was my life and I was going to live it the way I wanted too. When you combine Wiccan and Christian beliefs together you have a long road to hold with other people and their beliefs. That's when being a loner has its advantages.  I've had some controversial conversations and I have been to told to take my ass to Salem, Massachusetts ASAP because I belong there with that nonsense. Ignorance is bliss in the south.  I have my comfort zone and it doesn't concern anyone else but my beliefs with the universe. I am very loved on this level with my spirit guides.

However I got lost in my path about a year and half ago.  I shied away from my beliefs and put everything away for some reason. To this day I don't know why I did that.  I guess depression and my PTSD got the best of me. I got sick of everything in my life. I guess I said fuck it. I feel so bad about doing it. That was not me at all. I went on a downward spiral like no other and I am just now climbing back up. I know one thing I will never get lost again and lose hope.   Here about a week or so ago I got out my stuff and bought new too. I have felt so much better. Wiccan is a wonderful thing to have in my life and not leaving behind parts of the Christian way too.  Here lately I have felt heartbreak and bullying around last November that was over an opinion too and I still don't get that at all but I took up for myself and no one took up for me however I told myself if I can push and pull my way out of Conway County, Arkansas I can get thru anything. I went thru straight up hell with those folks. I don't know why my life is so damn difficult when I stay off to myself but I manage and whatever comes my way I will deal with it. I know I would love to find stability and love. Stability I can see that happening, love I just don't know.  Maybe I'm meant to be alone who knows. I know I am loyal and faithful but it has to be a 100/100 not 90/10. I don't know we will see.  Most men are in awe over other women not their mates and that shit doesn't fly with me. I rather live alone. Get in my happy place with my stones, crystal, sage, candles well all my goodies needless to say. I do hope for love but it has to be on the same level though. I will never go chasing for it. A man will be extremely lucky to be with me however I have to be cautious if he is entertaining someone else he doesn't need to waste my time. I am in love with someone and I hope also pray that we will be connected in the near future my life would be complete if that happened, we shall see. I am glad that I'm getting back to myself and I will stay that way until I die. Now only if Outskirts Press get what they deserve for scamming authors the world would be beautiful. I am praying for that karma.