May 19, 2015

Dear God, Dear Universe and Dear Spirit Guides......

Dear God, Dear Universe and Dear Spirit Guides...... I have my sage, candles and stones all the good positive stuff out when I start my ritual. I have been in sync like this for a long time now, it will make 2 months tomorrow since I had my wreck. I am more in tuned with God and the universe more than ever now. I have been dragged thru hell. There's so much wrong with this situation that doesn't make any sense. I got my 'get tough or die' attitude on. I have took a beat down from hell. If it wasn't for me kicking my spiritual level up notch, I would not be alive right now. Since day one of my wreck, I was tossed to the side. I had to get back up no other choice. No matter what kind of pain I was in. I looked at my car, I was close so close getting killed that day. God said, "not yet Tina." I was knocking on heavens door I promise that much.

Has anyone asked how I was feeling about this wreck in a logical sense, no not really. I am NOT the same person as I was before the wreck, I am different. I remember before my wreck, I was hustling my way in life. Working and burning candles at both ends still never getting ahead. I was still getting stuff taken away from me but I was still working massive amounts of hours just to push through. Now I have a troubled back, my leg and arms goes numb and it happens up to 7 times a day. My hands and feet get tingling. My stomach hurts too. I have stomach pains. My neck hurts and then headaches set in. I take about 2-4 Ibuprofen's a day. I don't take pain meds, I flush those down the commode ones I got from the doctor. I have good and bad days now. I don't know what to think about that at all. I know all of this I have to live with now. I am not the same person as I was before. PTSD has gotten worse I can tell. Especially when I am driving. STFU and let me drive and get us there. I see a difference there needless to say. Intolerance that's the best describing word for that. I get on edge. However, I know I have to push my way through. I have to deal and go on but it's there and it's not going anywhere. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I will get real stern with this one. I will make myself clear, I have had enough not being listen too. Then the medical bills, my insurance were going make me pay for them because they got to the point of being exhausted they said they couldn't pay anymore. Um, hell no! This wreck was NOT my fault and that wasn't going to happen, I am not paying for the medical bills. I got a lawyer. I get so tired of being shit on beyond tired! You talking about pain and suffering, there's not a word for my pain and suffering at this moment.

What pissed me off with this wreck, I got blamed for it. I was like, oh hell no. When you fly across an intersection, you do not stop at the stop sign. Hwy 9, I had the right of way. When you go about 50-60 miles an hour bypassing a stop sign. That is suicide and murder wrapped into one. You either want to kill yourself or someone else. It's that simple. No one dying from a situation like this, is a miracle from God. God was at that scene of destruction taking care of everyone. Obviously God has a plan for me and I know what it is too. I know I was making arrangements to move to the east coast this summer. Conway County and Arkansas has wore me down to the ground. I need a break and God's knows it. Yes, he does. On top of what is going on. I got a threatening phone call. However they weren't smart enough to block it. Yes, I got the number still.

That's why I am doing this blog. I have enough to deal with, I have no car. I had a NEW car, I got it 9-24-14 and it was totaled 3-24-15 six months to the day. I can't have anything in Arkansas. Not one damn thing. I have to depend on my mom she is on a fixed income too, dear fuck. I have to think about the book, I wrote too. If there is any kind of hanky panky bullshit. I will bring the house the down, I promise that much. I am pushed to my breaking point. I have had enough. I have to worry how I am going to get here and there. This is the first time in 25 years of me being without a car. I don't like this shit at all. I did not ask for this, I did not ask nearly getting killed either all I was doing was going to work and be a caregiver. I am done sick a fork in me. I had to live with high amounts of stress before the wreck, I am living in higher amounts of stress that pisses me off to no end.

I remember how peaceful I was on the east coast. I remember the tranquility. I know I can find jobs like I have been doing here in Arkansas. I almost got killed, God is telling me, life is too short. While I am still breathing air. I should be able to live anywhere I want if that brings me peace and happiness to my life. I am a good person, good heart and soul. I just stand my ground with my brutal honesty. That's why I am feisty and non-compliant. There is a certain man, that I love out there too. I know that I am a plane away or drive away to come back home from time to time. I know in my heart that I have ran my course here in Arkansas. It's time for me to be happy and live the remainder of my days on earth somewhere where I am content. That's all I am asking for and that's not that much. I will keeping talking to God, the universe and my spirit guides maybe they will help me move right along to where I belong.

May 10, 2015

This is why, I don't go to the doctor.

My wreck for an example.

Yes, I know that I work in the medical field, I have for 23 years now and I know what goes down. As I was leaving for work, this truck went past a stop sign doing about 50-60 miles an hour flying like a bat out of hell.  In a school zone too. Then we hit and all hell broke loose. It was a close call, for all 6 of us being dead matter of fact. I seen smoke or the airbags made my vision cloudy anyways I got out of the car real quick like and I passed out and then I woke back up and I called my mom, I passed out again. I was in and out of consciousness, I passed out again when I seen my little cousin. I was incapacitated for the most part. I knew something was not right with my body and I stated that at the scene but it didn't matter needless to say. The ambulance arrived, it took them 3 containers of air   aka oxygen to get to me the first two were empty. My oxygen at one point was going down fast. That's when I had that out-of body-experience, my pulse and oxygen was fading, I believe it took 2 or 3 pulse oximeters (because they did not work) to get the accurate reading. Then my pulse and oxygen slowly came back to me, a lot of my family was at the scene, they know what had happened. The ambulance was not equipped at all in my opinion. Then off to the ER, I go. I was there no more than 4 hours tops. In my heart of all hearts I really don't think that the communication between the ambulance ride and ER was not up to par needless to say. I know I was hit at high impact and lost consciousness few times. I was not in a blood and guts accident however the impact I was in, caused my back and neck to hurt extremely bad and my left hand was swollen, my skin seemed to be on fire from the airbags that went off in the car and I had bruises galore and some cuts. Hell my right knee bent my car keys and I have a picture to prove it. I did a cat-scan when I got there but there were hardly any questions after and that was odd. See, I did not have insurance so therefore I was treated and released as soon as they could get me out of their hair. That is the God's honest truth about this situation. I was discriminated because I did not have insurance. That is being down right truthful with my brutal honesty. Here I was hit on high impact because there was no blood and guts involved doesn't mean that I didn't get hurt. I was in and I was out under 4 hours in the ER. Me blacking out at the scene did not matter I guess. I was told that I could go back to work the very next day. My mom heard that, she was in shock, the look on her face was priceless. Here I had a sling on my left arm, I could barely move and I hurt oh so bad. On my way out of the hospital, I was getting my results from the doctor. I work in Little Rock at a hospital and I have never seen this kind of treatment in my life. This particular ER made me feel like a piece of shit and to be honest about it. I would have been better off to have died in the wreck that's another brutal honest opinion of mine. I am hardcore with my words, and with my truth. I do not sugarcoat bullshit. I call it like I see it. I hope and pray that my lawyer will take care of business because I am tired of getting screwed over when this wreck was not my fault at all. I need some kind of relief with my pain and suffering.

So the next day, I hurt so bad, I could hardly move. I had my sling on my left arm. I was having neck pain and back pain numbness and tingling was all over my body. They told me to get a primary doctor and I couldn't seem to get one because I did not have insurance. No one didn't want to direct me to any kind of help. I was thinking how the ER doctor and the ER nurse told me I could go back to work the next day. It took a week and a half to get out of bed properly. I was still hurting, I went back to the ER for an MRI, I was in and out getting my results going out the door once again. That ER was cold hearted. Go see a primary doctor they said, tell me where to go? No answer. I was fed up at that point and someone told me a law-firm to call. I called them. Guess what? I got a doctor and physical therapist the next day. I got the help I need and dealing with insurance companies are a joke too. They will screw you over without the KY. I couldn't believe my eyes with the insurance companies. It's been 6 weeks since the wreck. I have no car and I have no rental. I have to bum rides and so on to get to my appointments. Yes, I am being drugged through hell. This wreck was not my fault and I am the one that is getting shit on. However that is the story of my life. So everyone's life is peachy. Driving and working but me. I'm the one that is hurt trying to get better. I had a relapse in PT but I will make it through, I was lifting and I woke up the beast that resides in my back my numbness came back 50% worse. I have a get tough or die attitude, I will push through this like a boss. If I could work, I would, how the fuck would I get there? Walk? I think not. I am the 'Man in the Box'  with this situation. I hope I never have another wreck if I do, I hope the hell I die in it.  No need to live through that shit again. This is a freaking nightmare.

Moral of this story, I don't go to the doctor. I think I have went twice in 18 years I had my daughter in 1995 and my son 1997, this made the 3rd time in that time span with my wreck. I think that is impressive to go to the doctor in 18 years and you can count it on one hand. Medical field is big-business. They don't give a fuck about you but they give a fuck about the money. I take prenatal vitamins, (hair, nails, skin vitamin), kelp, cinnamon, B-12 and D also Cell Food, I put some drops in a 4 once glass of V8. I heal myself with herbs rather than chemical bullshit that keeps you sick because they want your money. I'm not a frequent flyer and I don't give a shit about pain pills. I took the pain pills from my wreck for 2 weeks and I flushed the rest. I know what pain pills will do. I'm not a dope head. I take my herbal vitamins and cell food go on about my business. That is why I don't have insurance because I don't go, why pay? Now with Obama Care, I will have to get insurance before I file my taxes next year. My ex has insurance for the kids but they don't get sick, they are 18 and 20. I breastfed my children. I was taking plenty of vitamins too while doing it.  I am a healer and I heal myself when I am sick. No need for doctors.