April 11, 2012

The East Coast

The East Coast that’s where I want to live, when I get my children raised, I want to get the hell up out of here. The Ass End of the World, Arkansas it’s no joke. I absolutely hate it here. I was born and raised in Arkansas all my life. So many has stated, why the East Coast? I don’t like the West Coast; I hate California as much as I hate Arkansas. Don’t get me wrong, the west is very beautiful, breath-taking scenery. I just don’t like it out there. I don’t like the North, Chicago is too damn windy. Maybe it was just a windy day, however it has stuck with me ever since. That’s what I remember. The South, let’s NOT go there. New Orleans one of my favorite places, I would not live there though. Florida is another fascinating place, still the South. The East Coast moved me for some reason. If I had the money and a 6 digit income, I would live in New York City in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. I was there just 2 and half days. That’s all it took for a young girl at that time and New York, imprinted my mind like no other, it has stuck with me for 20 years now. It has been that long since I been to the East Coast. I wanted to go this year and take my kids on an East Coast tour, but that has gone right out the window. I want them to see the East Coast and see how beautiful it is. What a damn shame. Well, at first I wanted to move to New Hampshire. However I have been doing my research on Maine. I am pulling towards that direction now. I want to be on the coastlines, where I can go to the pier when I get ready for some relaxation and some me time. No, I am NOT running away from Arkansas, I want to make that clear. I want to breathe again. I am mentally and emotionally scarred from the damages that I have had to endure living in Arkansas. I want to be able to learn to live again and breathe again and trust again. This part of Arkansas has taken a lot away from me. As long as I live here, I will not be able to forgive. I know I will never forget however there is a hump I need to cross over and I want to make a life out on the East Coast. Here in Arkansas, I still deal with chaos I don’t know what is going to happen to me from one day to the next. I hate Arkansas so much it’s kinda scary to be honest about it. I can’t get past things here and I will NEVER get past them as long as I live here. It’s going to take me to move far, far away from here to gain control of what I have lost. I know once I get to the East Coast, it will be so emotional for me because I actually got out of a hell hole, and not be stuck there the rest of my life. I will most likely be crying for a week when I get out there. I know I will NOT live long living in Arkansas. I live with too much stress. Going to the East Coast, I will have a chance to live. Here at the Ass End of the World, Arkansas. I am dying let’s be truthful about it. I am miserable and very depressed here because I feel trapped and I can’t escape. I am down in a hole with no control. Depression hurts so does, stalking, bullying and slandering. I am too scarred up. I hate life. I should not have to feel like that. I know that life is beautiful and I want to go where I can breathe and make a new life again. I just want to live the way I want too for once. That is not much to ask for needless to say. This has been going on for too long and I need a break of some sort. A person can put up with so much. This is not a win-win situation. I have put up with all can; by God I will find some kind of peace and tranquility out there. Enough is enough and I need a new direction. My life is really f**ked up at the moment, that is a damn shame too. It’s up to me to make a change and I am going to change this, seriously. Changes are coming, I am a very driven person and I will break through this, I promise that much.

My Depression TimeLine

I thought that I would talk about my depression and I have never been bashful discussing my feelings and emotions about my life. This is how I feel and this is a place to let it all out. My corner of the world on the internet, so therefore I thought I would do it in a timeline format. I will need this for my book anyways. However I am going to be short and simple and straight to the point. I will be the only one that truly understands this situation but in the future it will be more clearly to understand if you follow my blogs.

January- 2004-2005- was the hardest for me, I suppose. My X-husband left me, 1-21-04, on my birthday however it was the best birthday present needless to say. He played hell trying to set me up, with the help of the ‘Good Ole Boy System’ I had 2 nervous break downs in that time period. I had some horrific experiences that shattered my mind and soul. It was a very scary time for me because I would not take him back. When I am done I am done, end of story. Next, move on.

November- 2005-2010- by November of 05 I moved to Little Rock, I more-less got ran of the county. I just could not take it anymore. My anxiety was high; I was stressed out to the max. I was gaining weight and my hair was falling out. I did not have any help in this county these people were killing me. But I remember something quite distinctive, when I was moving from my place that I had to sell to my moms and then from my mom’s to  Little Rock, my ex-husband was watching as he and his brother was parked in front of my mom’s house. Til this day, it makes me sick to my stomach. Why that still lingers is beyond me, I still get a sickness feeling though it’s horrible. From this time period, in the five years I was away. The cops done their-damnest to watch every move I made in this county as I came to visit. I believe the stalking and the slander was the highest in that timeline but it got worse. I had a hard-time living in Little Rock, I went back to college. I was living from my work check and my student loans and my income-tax check. I was making it barely. But I was making it to the best of my ability. I still had a good GPA, for what I was dealing with, it could have been better if I was not under all that stress. The cost of living was outrageous, however I was trying to complete some form of education. It did not quite happen as I planned. I look back and I don’t know how I done it or best yet, how I am still living to be honest. By 2010, my life went to hell in a hand-basket. All I have done to try to stay out of this county; I was brought back to it. That hurt me tremendously.

May -2010-2012 well, I had to move back to this county for numerous reasons. However I got stuck here. Just for a time being though, until I get my kids through High School. When I moved back in May 2010, I had a hard time. I mean the slandering was at its finest during that time. I guess May to September 2010, were extremely hard months. If it wasn’t for one thing going on it was another my stress levels were high I mean deathly high. It mainly came from cops and informants; my ex-brother-in-law from my last marriage is an informant. He was causing me 9 kinds of hell. So therefore, September of 2010 I had enough, I started my testimony on MySpace at first. I had a friend in college to tell me about BlogSpot in October of 2010, I started to blog. She told me to blog about everything that was going on she told me it was like a diary. If something came up that I did not like post it. I look back on it; from May-September 2010 I was on a verge of another nervous break-down. I am glad that I started this blog; it really has helped me out. I thank my friend all the time for telling me about BlogSpot. She was worried about me and she was afraid that something bad was going to happen.

After all this is said and done. I have had my weak points in my life I sure have, sometimes I just wanted to die. Lay down and die and give up. I just wanted peace and tranquility that’s all. This blog now at this present time, April 2012, I don’t have any problems. The problems I had I was going to blog about it. Now I am going to blog about different occurrences that has happen in this county. I have had people to tell me stuff and they want me to blog about it. Like I told them, no names no places, I can tell it in a story like way even-though it had happen. When I start on my book, I have to change names and places. I am pretty sure the word permission is out of the question. Maybe one day in the future when the sh*t hits the fan, I can actually put links on here and maybe I can use some of the names and places, who knows.

This has made me into a strong person, I don’t put up with no sh*t what-so-ever I have zero tolerance all away around and I can smell bullsh*t a mile away. I do have to thank them for that. I will forgive them when they get in trouble with the higher law. That will be the only time I will do it. I have lost so much through this and I am so scarred up mentally. I have stayed in poseur through this and how I just don’t know. I am strong-minded and strong-willed and also free-spirited.  I have been through hell, but I am going through it like champ. I can say this much, I am not an alcoholic nor a dope-head neither a pill popper. (I'm better than that, I know better) I did not get weak-minded through this; I stood my ground and done the best that I could even if I was drugged through the gates of hell. I am still going through hell, however I think a break is on the way for me and that makes me into a very happy person. I hope one day these sons of bitches get what is coming to them. That will be the day, I will LMFAO, seriously. Karma is a BITCH, what goes around always comes back around! I can feel her presence coming and I can also see that I will be smiling from ear to ear.

The Medical Field

The medical field, man (that) is an understatement that can go into so many directions; however I have had enough of that field too. I like the medical field about as much as I like Arkansas. I am just stating the truth straight from the bottom of my heart. I have been in the medical field since 1992, I am a medical assistant, I can do just about everything a nurse can do except push meds. Yea, I wanted to get my RN license that lasted like a ‘fart’ in the wind after a few years at a hospital. I can do it, but my heart isn’t into it. I have worked in all kinds of areas in the medical field to be honest about it. I will be broken down in a few years; I want to leave this profession ASAP. I am hoping this year. I am tired of the understaffing, I am tired of the mistreatment and having to do a floor by yourself, and slim to none help from the co-workers. Just isn’t cutting it anymore. I have went home several times, 35 patients by yourself and be drug around like a rag-doll by the ones that you are working with, trust me most treat you like sh*t. I know this too well, I will take my ass to the house, I am NOT f**ked up about it either. I have to put up with major sh*t in my own life and then I have to put up with it at work too. Most of this is uncalled for; the hospital can staff the floors however it defeats the purpose when it affects the administration bank accounts and the particular cars they want, the pencil pushers, those are the ones that actually need to get off their ass and do some physical work and see what it is to work understaff and beat your body down to the ground. I have seen nurses collapse in the middle of the floor and I have also seen them got to the ICU and get blood transfusions because their body just worn down. I refuse to go and get a degree and (I hate the job too), no matter what the pay is. I am 38 I have to take care of myself; I just have one body and one life. It’s not worth it! In the medical field you’re just a warm body, if something happens to you, oh well, there is always the next person in line. I have been beat down in a 12 hour shift, barely got off the couch the next day, Icy Hot is my friend now. That is bullsh*t. I refuse to do it. I am very strong-minded and I will NOT let anyone run over me. I stand my ground at work. I bet some dread seeing me come to the floor because I will not put up with their sh*t! It’s a dog eat dog world in the medical field. I know I had my fair share of the chaos, I want a new direction, and I will find that direction I promise that much. The medical field is just not what it’s supposed to be and I have had enough of it to be exact. Time for a new direction in life, I am tired and burnt out 20 yrs. is too long to be honest. I want to do something else for the next 20 yrs.  something that I love doing that sounds so good. Maybe too good to be true, huh?