April 14, 2015

My Godforsaken Life

Let's stroll down memory lane. I opened this blog on October of 2010 (Blogspot) however I started this crusade, September 17th 2010. I had enough of the bullshit in Conway County,  Arkansas. I moved back in May of 2010, my nerves got the best of me by September. I couldn't get any help from anywhere. These motherfuckers were running me absolutely bat-shit CRAZY. The thugs and the crooked cops, I couldn't take it any longer. I made my way to an open diary to the public because I straight up didn't give a fuck at that point in time, it was documentation at its finest. Dealing with Slandering, Stalking and Bullying right along with sexual assault at one time. My cup had runneth over. I've had a tough time, hard road to hold in life from this. This good ole boy bullshit just disgust me to no end. Makes me want to vomit to be honest. I took a mental beating from these idiots for many, many years and it's 2015 needless to say. I done enough blogs on that subject it's all in the archives.

Strolling along, I had to write people off in my life from here and there. One of them happened to be my father. All the crap I was taking from the punk ass bitches and him took a toll on me. However I have dealt with this all my life, well 37 years I did, that was the age I walked away from it. I put it in the fuck it bucket and moved on. I had a lot to tell me I was a cold hearted bitch removing blood from my life. The way I viewed it, I have dealt with bullying all my motherfucking life. I got my belly full no more for me I told myself. I don't give a shit about blood ties. When a parent makes their child cry or make them upset because they get satisfaction from it. Well, they can go straight to hell for all I care. When you see a smirk on their face because it makes them happy to see you upset. I am the type of person to put my middle finger in the air and say see ya in hell motherfucka while I walk away. Tina doesn't have time for that nonsense. I was getting too old for that shit anyways.

Let's keep on strolling, it was brought to my attention to write a book. I was like I can do that but the ending would be a nightmare to write because I'm a blogger not an author. My ending is still on going. I don't have an ending. So I sat down and wrote a book and I was amazed at myself over the ending which by the way, was an awesome fictional way out. My fear was publishing it and getting screwed over. I researched and researched I thought I found a good company so I thought. I spent $1500 to publish my book and I made about $250 with a quarter of a million followers. Yup, I got screwed over, scammed and fucked in the ass all the same time. My book sold out twice. I did a blog on it and it's a must read too.  It's the beginning of the launch where you make your money at, the big lump sum that I did not see at all, they did I did not. Then it's hit or miss later on as the time goes on its all about the beginning that's where the money lies at. Outskirts Press can suck my ever loving dick. I hope karma gets them and hope she fucks them in the ass for a change. They have screwed over many, many authors it's a damn shame too.

Still Strolling, the hardships and adversities that's all I have ever seen in my life, that's all I know. I try and try still get shit thrown in my face no matter what I do its not good enough. I work my ass off,  burning the candle at both ends. One thing about me, I am street smart and street tough. I had to be, no one I mean no one can bullshit me. I will call their ass out. I loathe fake motherfuckers. I don't have room in my life for fake people hell no I don't. Be real with me or leave me the fuck alone. That's how I feel about it. No matter what, I will give my shirt off my back if someone really needs it. I'm that person. Life hates me maybe it's because I stand stern and take no shit off of anyone who knows but I will never change who I am though. I will have that fuck'em feed them fish heads attitude until the day I die.

My stroll almost ended, on March 24, 2015. I am about to get real and raw about this shit. FYI, I know what was said about this wreck and this wreck was not my fault what so ever. It was about a week after I had my wreck. I got fed up. I didn't have insurance and I was having trouble getting help until I got a lawyer then it all changed for me. My back and neck hurt so bad. I got off to myself. I closed my door and I slide down it, I started to cry and my anxiety sky rocketed to the roof. I looked back on my life, 3 attempted suicides. 89, 93 and 2010. I have had several nervous breakdowns over the years. I got clean on my own with no help at all. My pregnancy brought me out of that hole thank God withdraws and all but I pulled thru it with a healthy baby girl. I have been thru a lot of shit in my life. Now in 2015 I'm tired and wore out. I'm sick of everything. Trying and not getting nowhere in life. I just hit my point couldn't go any further. Done so done. Stick a fork in me.

This is what I think, I wished I would have died in that wreck. I would have been better off and everybody around me would have been better off too, I live in misery. I'm sick of disappointments. I've blogged about it.  I'm not going to hide this fucking shit from anyone this is how I fucking feel it is what it is. Everything I do is a dead-end for me true story. Trying gets so old when you can't go anywhere with it, what's the point? Getting screwed over all the time that's all I expect that's fucking bullshit to live like that. My wreck would have been a way out. Death is a reward. No more sickness no more sorrow no more worries. You're free just free of life's chaos. I am not afraid to die. To me death is beautiful no more pain or suffering nor depression. Obviously life wants to torture me some more or I need to go to my calling. I know what it is, the FEDS should let me be and let me rock this shit out, the way it should be done. Who knows what will happen.

All I ever wanted was peace and tranquility. That's not much to ask for. I can't believe how this wreck played out the way it did, I am still here. My neck and back hurts so bad, hoping it will get better soon. I want to live in one of the New England States. I am so relaxed when I am out there. It's hard to describe however I think it's time for me to have peace in my life this suffering shit in the south has really got me down and out. If I had one wish,  I wish for a reset button in my life for peace and tranquility. I'm tired and worn down. The miracle I need is the miracle I wish for. I hope it comes true I really do.

April 2, 2015

My Black Cloud

Since my wreck, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I will get to my wreck towards the end of the blog. My life has always, I will stress always had a black cloud over it. I was born with one needless to say and it's a big black cloud.

I wrote a book about my life. I am just sitting on it until I find a better way to publish it. Outskirts Press has made me extremely gun shy with their embezzling ways they have destroyed me and my soul to write. I loathe that company anyways it will be published when the time is right. As a child I've always had that black cloud to follow me around. My childhood was tough most would say I was too spoiled most don't know what went on behind closed doors. I have the most awesome mom in the world at one time I would have beg the differ but we got past that when I got pregnant with my first born and our bond has been strong ever since. My dad was the military dad, I was the son he never had. I was the only child between them. My mom had 2 boys from a previous marriage. They were like 10 and 12 when I was born. My father had a daughter from a previous marriage. I really don't give a fuck how the story goes. Which it's a long one BTW. That's his daughter, end of story. I have 2 stepbrother's and 1 step sister. My father was something else. It was his way or no way. He was number one at all times. My dad was stern with brutal words. In my own words, he wasn't doing his job if he didn't make you cry that day with his belittling vocabulary that came out of his mouth. I put up with that shit for 37 years and I am 41 now. For 37 years my head had so much poison filled in it and my way of thinking because of his actions and his words I did not know if I was coming or going. I stayed fucked up inside my own head for many years, I guess I was dazed and confused most of the time. Military life with hurtful words I might add. Don't get me twisted we had good times but I remember the bad times a whole lot more. I love my dad from a distance I do. I removed that poison out of my body it took 4 years to do it and I don't have any intentions to put it back in if you know what I mean. He better treat my kids, his granddaughter and grandson with respect, that's all I am going to say about that. I love my kids dearly, one is 20 and one will soon to be 18. I think me and my mom done a fine job raising them. I have good kids and I am extremely proud of them.

Looking for love. I was married twice. The first time I was married 34 days and my 2nd was for 4 years. I get a kick out of this my divorces were final the 1st time was August 6th the 2nd time August the 5th just 5 years apart. Got out of one frying pan into another. It's been 15 years since I seen a wedding day 17 years from my 1st one been single since 2004. I look for love in ALL the wrong places.  I'm like damn it man that black cloud of mine gets blacker when a man is around I guess. I find men that are not quite over another female. They still have the ex on the brain. That's where my disfunction state of mind sets it. Love goes down the wrong path, the path of destruction begins. I have one baby daddy praise God for that. I had my kids out of wedlock if you haven’t already did the math by now. I married because I thought I should do it for them. I woke up 34 days later, I told myself, I can't be doing this shit for the rest of my life. That's a long road to hold and I don't need to be in that mess. My rewards from that marriage is my daughter and my son. I don't regret it one bit. The one I regret is my 2nd marriage. If I had a delete button I would delete that shit in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. With his non-tax paying ass. 4 years of hell and 8 years of stalking, slandering and bullying with corruption of the cops to boot. My first book the one I got scammed on, is about that life. Conway County, Arkansas can suck my dick. May I find love one day. I found it but it's on one of the levels I talked about up above. I found a quote yesterday and I text it too him because the quote speaks on so many levels because it holds the truth. I feel that way 100% he needs to heal himself first. We have been thru the ringer together on so many levels and I hang in there like a hair in biscuit. However I understand this situation to the fullest even if he thinks I don't. I can honestly say I am in love with him and I have thousands of readers that will be reading this too. I love him so much but he needs to fix the kinks within himself because I can't fix it. I am finally in love truly in love and I hope to hell we will be together one day. I know what I have been through. I respect him enough to fix himself before I evolve with him. I have a bad habit spoiling men and I could spoil him only when he is ready. I've never been truly in love until now. I hope it works out. This kind of love is rare and I know it.

Me and my black cloud. I was getting ready for work one afternoon, I just came off a 7 day 12 hour shift work schedule. Yes, 84 hours in a week. I had 3 nights off and I work 1 night and going back in for my 2nd I was just doing 3 in a row until the weekend. I had plans to make a trip so I was working as much as I could. I'm a born hustler, I work and make shit happen in my life make sure everything is done. I've been hustling since 1990 age of 16. There are jobs out there trust me. I've been in the medical field since 1992. I left for work that afternoon, I got not even a half mile down the road. I saw this truck flying like a bat out of hell he did not stop at the stop sign. I seen it coming he had to be doing 60 he was flying across the intersection, did not stop at the stop sign, we hit and in was a hell of an impact. My car spun around so fast like I was going back home. I'm glad that were no on coming cars I would have died in an instant especially a semi. My air bags went off from one end to another. I had my seatbelt on. I remember the truck went over me (touched my hood) landed upside down by a semi. I got out of the car and I was dizzy, light headed and I fainted a guy came to my rescue he was the one that was at the opposite side of the road at the stop sign he was stopped and seen the whole wreck happen. The truck landed by his door upside down. So much was going on at that point.  Then I seen my little cousin get out of the truck then I passed out again. That time I felt something was not right the air in my body was going way. I kept saying something is not right with me I felt it, then I faded out, I felt the air leaving from my body then I all of sudden I seen the wreck from above at the intersection, I had an out of body experience, yes I did. Then I had a whisper in my ear someone told me I need to leave Arkansas because there's stuff I need to do and I know what it is. Well that scared the shit out of me needless to say. Then all of a sudden there was a jolt. The air was coming back to me. Then I looked up I seen Gina my cousin. I was teary eyed when I seen her because I couldn't explain what had happened. I was in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. I was told if I was a 30 seconds to a minute faster everyone would have died all 6 of us. My family would have buried 2 of us at the same time, to think about that makes me sad. I am thankful for the Arkansas State Police working my accident because the county would have thrown me under the bus. I am very lucky to be alive today and come out the way I did. I have shortness of breath now I get wiped out quick, I am still in pain from the trauma of the wreck. I get numb sitting down or laying, I am very concerned about that. I can't get around like I did before. I can not work a 12 right now but I'm working on getting better tho. I seen my life flash right before my eyes and I seen the wreck from above. I know what I need to do because my life was spared once again. I swear I think I am a fucking cat with 9 lives. I know when it's time for me to go. I will be in good hands because he has protected me all my life and he has seen what I have been through my quote I have tattooed on me,  "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers." I honestly believe that because I'm one strong bitch for what I have been through in life. I haven't had an easy one at all.