May 19, 2015

Dear God, Dear Universe and Dear Spirit Guides......

Dear God, Dear Universe and Dear Spirit Guides...... I have my sage, candles and stones all the good positive stuff out when I start my ritual. I have been in sync like this for a long time now, it will make 2 months tomorrow since I had my wreck. I am more in tuned with God and the universe more than ever now. I have been dragged thru hell. There's so much wrong with this situation that doesn't make any sense. I got my 'get tough or die' attitude on. I have took a beat down from hell. If it wasn't for me kicking my spiritual level up notch, I would not be alive right now. Since day one of my wreck, I was tossed to the side. I had to get back up no other choice. No matter what kind of pain I was in. I looked at my car, I was close so close getting killed that day. God said, "not yet Tina." I was knocking on heavens door I promise that much.

Has anyone asked how I was feeling about this wreck in a logical sense, no not really. I am NOT the same person as I was before the wreck, I am different. I remember before my wreck, I was hustling my way in life. Working and burning candles at both ends still never getting ahead. I was still getting stuff taken away from me but I was still working massive amounts of hours just to push through. Now I have a troubled back, my leg and arms goes numb and it happens up to 7 times a day. My hands and feet get tingling. My stomach hurts too. I have stomach pains. My neck hurts and then headaches set in. I take about 2-4 Ibuprofen's a day. I don't take pain meds, I flush those down the commode ones I got from the doctor. I have good and bad days now. I don't know what to think about that at all. I know all of this I have to live with now. I am not the same person as I was before. PTSD has gotten worse I can tell. Especially when I am driving. STFU and let me drive and get us there. I see a difference there needless to say. Intolerance that's the best describing word for that. I get on edge. However, I know I have to push my way through. I have to deal and go on but it's there and it's not going anywhere. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I will get real stern with this one. I will make myself clear, I have had enough not being listen too. Then the medical bills, my insurance were going make me pay for them because they got to the point of being exhausted they said they couldn't pay anymore. Um, hell no! This wreck was NOT my fault and that wasn't going to happen, I am not paying for the medical bills. I got a lawyer. I get so tired of being shit on beyond tired! You talking about pain and suffering, there's not a word for my pain and suffering at this moment.

What pissed me off with this wreck, I got blamed for it. I was like, oh hell no. When you fly across an intersection, you do not stop at the stop sign. Hwy 9, I had the right of way. When you go about 50-60 miles an hour bypassing a stop sign. That is suicide and murder wrapped into one. You either want to kill yourself or someone else. It's that simple. No one dying from a situation like this, is a miracle from God. God was at that scene of destruction taking care of everyone. Obviously God has a plan for me and I know what it is too. I know I was making arrangements to move to the east coast this summer. Conway County and Arkansas has wore me down to the ground. I need a break and God's knows it. Yes, he does. On top of what is going on. I got a threatening phone call. However they weren't smart enough to block it. Yes, I got the number still.

That's why I am doing this blog. I have enough to deal with, I have no car. I had a NEW car, I got it 9-24-14 and it was totaled 3-24-15 six months to the day. I can't have anything in Arkansas. Not one damn thing. I have to depend on my mom she is on a fixed income too, dear fuck. I have to think about the book, I wrote too. If there is any kind of hanky panky bullshit. I will bring the house the down, I promise that much. I am pushed to my breaking point. I have had enough. I have to worry how I am going to get here and there. This is the first time in 25 years of me being without a car. I don't like this shit at all. I did not ask for this, I did not ask nearly getting killed either all I was doing was going to work and be a caregiver. I am done sick a fork in me. I had to live with high amounts of stress before the wreck, I am living in higher amounts of stress that pisses me off to no end.

I remember how peaceful I was on the east coast. I remember the tranquility. I know I can find jobs like I have been doing here in Arkansas. I almost got killed, God is telling me, life is too short. While I am still breathing air. I should be able to live anywhere I want if that brings me peace and happiness to my life. I am a good person, good heart and soul. I just stand my ground with my brutal honesty. That's why I am feisty and non-compliant. There is a certain man, that I love out there too. I know that I am a plane away or drive away to come back home from time to time. I know in my heart that I have ran my course here in Arkansas. It's time for me to be happy and live the remainder of my days on earth somewhere where I am content. That's all I am asking for and that's not that much. I will keeping talking to God, the universe and my spirit guides maybe they will help me move right along to where I belong.

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