Tina's Thoughts Tina's Words

Relationships are hard now-a-days to be honest especially long-distance relationships really get the (shit-end) of the stick that's real talk.  When you try like a motherfucker I mean try til you drop out with exhaustion. Then you need to regroup your thoughts of the situation and see if it's worth it or not unlike like me I don't want to give up. I was fucking crazy when I was 16 to 29, bat-shit crazy to be exact. I hated myself in that time period if I could and I would kick my own ass up between my shoulders because of my STUPIDITY I sure in the hell would without a doubt. From 30 to 39,  I was in hibernation. I got out from time to time later on like 33 or 34. My assault put a spin on things. I stayed away from the dating world and I knew that was for the best I trusted my instincts. Then I started to mingle in my mid-thirties got out more. I had circumstances come up, they wanted to marry me after the first date.  Well, that drew my asshole up in a knot because I ain't got time for that. I had to shy away from those episodes. I was a no strings attached kinda woman. I did not want my kids see one man after another come in and out their lives. That will totally fuck up a kid especially girls. I did not want my daughter to be a whore. She has had one boyfriend and they will be getting married soon and they are not going to have kids until they are financially stable. Thank goodness I done something right with my children. Education, good job then kids. I hope my son does the same. When you have men coming and going out of your children's life they are bound to be mentally fucked up when they are grown.  I'm being honest. I dated on the low. Then I got 39 my kids ages were 18 and 16, I thought I would get back into the dating game. I thought I was ready to do it again. Online dating is amazing so I tried it. I was on match at one time. I got out of that very fast like because it's total bullshit. I just wanted to find someone that got me and I got them. I found it September of 2013. Now I can say I went thru hell and back for a man. I don't normally do that, I am the type to throw up my duces and say see ya biaaatch! I was a mess at one point in my life, chaos at its finest. I got my shit together some-what I did. I was looking for a new future and stability with new hopes. It's fucking harder than I expected it to be. Falling totally madly deeply in love with someone that was opposite from what I wanted.  He is the version of me in my twenties right now.  I see it very clearly. Then I have others trying to talk to me. Giving me the moon and stars in the process. Talking that good talk.  I am sitting here thinking about this one person and hoping for a change that moment he realizes I am a good catch. I have others in my ear whispering sweet nothings. I am the type that stands my ground God knows I've been thru some major hell in my life. The one I want really should to do some soul-searching that sucks major monkey balls. He should put the hoes on the DL see what he wants in his life. I have a bad habit pettin' and pampering men. It's a bad habit but I am really good at it and that is a downfall too. I work hard and I play hard needless to say. I have always lived by my motto. Get tough or die. That's why I hustle like I do. Here lately when you see distance with someone, when they USED to text back quick then it starts slipping to texting 20 minutes or an hour later and it wasn't like that in the beginning. There's someone else in the picture. I am stating the obvious because it's true.  Games are being played and I don't have time for that nonsense at all. When someone else is trying to give you the moon and stars, then you are start to get interested in that picture. The one you want is not going your direction that's when things starts to split or get lost I just hate that.  When I am put in a position that I feel worthless or POS I have to redirect myself, I know my worth. I know I'm a good woman with a good heart and soul. I've had one hell of a life straight out of hell needless to say. I think I am ready for a piece of heaven because all due in respect I deserve that much. I am not getting any younger I need peace and tranquility that is not much to ask for.  Maybe I need to stay by myself who knows. I really hope for the best with me and I am not high maintenance and I don't ask for much.  However something really needs to give with me some kind of change should come into play. I am mentally, physically and emotionally drained at the moment, I am tapped the fuck out. I need to be revived to a peaceful state of mind with someone that loves me for who I am not those hoes on social media. I go up and beyond for people. I wish someone would do the same for me for once and make me feel special.  Only one can hope for a good outcome I know I need it. Life shouldn't be so damn complicated but it is but I will keep on trying. Settling down and having coffee on a Saturday morning sounds like a plan to me.  Coffee and conversions, sex is up there but communication knocks that out the ballpark when you get older. Just being civil  to each other sounds delightful. Stability at its most awesome level. May I reach that point one day.