March 5, 2015

The Struggle

I must have done something extremely bad in my past lifetime. My life has not been pleasant at all. I've had my highs and my lows. As I look back on my 41 years I've had more lows than the highs. I've seen a crippling factor needless to say and that isn't good at all. I just wish my kids would work and drive they are 18 and 20 they really need to do this.  The world is absolutely a fucking bitch. I was driving and working at the age of 16 I just don't get this at all.  I hope they snap out of it and get their hustle on. I will pray for my children. They need to look at their mother and father make a difference in their life that's the God's honest truth not do a repeat change the cycle.

When I moved to Sherwood in 2005, I had a friend at work to introduce me to something different and I was intrigued. I researched it and started around 2006 with her guidance. I was going to church at that time and all. I knew my beliefs and where I was at in my life. I wanted to bring what she taught me and my beliefs together. She showed me the way. I live in the south and that shit doesn't fly,  hell to the no it doesn't. When she showed me how everything worked from the stones, crystal, sage and of course the candles. I knew I belonged with this belief but I wanted the Christian ways too. I'm not the church type person. I have religion in my heart and I go to church everyday in my privacy of my own home or wherever I may be.  Going to church,  it's an organized religion big-business all about the money, don't get me started. I noticed I was feeling relieved with my daily ritual. The stones, crystal, sage, candles and so much more they were making me feel better deep inside my soul. I was lost and confused most of all alone. I was alone for many many years.  I still feel that way today.  I got good at it and I was bringing in my Christian ways along with it. I felt complete. I am a loner. I don't let too many people in my private life for many reasons to name. I have been burned too many times. I want to stay away from the negative people or things as much as possible. So I found an outlet but it's not the norm in the south I know that. However I did not care, this was my life and I was going to live it the way I wanted too. When you combine Wiccan and Christian beliefs together you have a long road to hold with other people and their beliefs. That's when being a loner has its advantages.  I've had some controversial conversations and I have been to told to take my ass to Salem, Massachusetts ASAP because I belong there with that nonsense. Ignorance is bliss in the south.  I have my comfort zone and it doesn't concern anyone else but my beliefs with the universe. I am very loved on this level with my spirit guides.

However I got lost in my path about a year and half ago.  I shied away from my beliefs and put everything away for some reason. To this day I don't know why I did that.  I guess depression and my PTSD got the best of me. I got sick of everything in my life. I guess I said fuck it. I feel so bad about doing it. That was not me at all. I went on a downward spiral like no other and I am just now climbing back up. I know one thing I will never get lost again and lose hope.   Here about a week or so ago I got out my stuff and bought new too. I have felt so much better. Wiccan is a wonderful thing to have in my life and not leaving behind parts of the Christian way too.  Here lately I have felt heartbreak and bullying around last November that was over an opinion too and I still don't get that at all but I took up for myself and no one took up for me however I told myself if I can push and pull my way out of Conway County, Arkansas I can get thru anything. I went thru straight up hell with those folks. I don't know why my life is so damn difficult when I stay off to myself but I manage and whatever comes my way I will deal with it. I know I would love to find stability and love. Stability I can see that happening, love I just don't know.  Maybe I'm meant to be alone who knows. I know I am loyal and faithful but it has to be a 100/100 not 90/10. I don't know we will see.  Most men are in awe over other women not their mates and that shit doesn't fly with me. I rather live alone. Get in my happy place with my stones, crystal, sage, candles well all my goodies needless to say. I do hope for love but it has to be on the same level though. I will never go chasing for it. A man will be extremely lucky to be with me however I have to be cautious if he is entertaining someone else he doesn't need to waste my time. I am in love with someone and I hope also pray that we will be connected in the near future my life would be complete if that happened, we shall see. I am glad that I'm getting back to myself and I will stay that way until I die. Now only if Outskirts Press get what they deserve for scamming authors the world would be beautiful. I am praying for that karma.

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