Tina's Thoughts Tina's Words

Relationships are hard now-a-days to be honest especially long-distance relationships really get the (shit-end) of the stick that's real talk.  When you try like a motherfucker I mean try til you drop out with exhaustion. Then you need to regroup your thoughts of the situation and see if it's worth it or not unlike like me I don't want to give up. I was fucking crazy when I was 16 to 29, bat-shit crazy to be exact. I hated myself in that time period if I could and I would kick my own ass up between my shoulders because of my STUPIDITY I sure in the hell would without a doubt. From 30 to 39,  I was in hibernation. I got out from time to time later on like 33 or 34. My assault put a spin on things. I stayed away from the dating world and I knew that was for the best I trusted my instincts. Then I started to mingle in my mid-thirties got out more. I had circumstances come up, they wanted to marry me after the first date.  Well, that drew my asshole up in a knot because I ain't got time for that. I had to shy away from those episodes. I was a no strings attached kinda woman. I did not want my kids see one man after another come in and out their lives. That will totally fuck up a kid especially girls. I did not want my daughter to be a whore. She has had one boyfriend and they will be getting married soon and they are not going to have kids until they are financially stable. Thank goodness I done something right with my children. Education, good job then kids. I hope my son does the same. When you have men coming and going out of your children's life they are bound to be mentally fucked up when they are grown.  I'm being honest. I dated on the low. Then I got 39 my kids ages were 18 and 16, I thought I would get back into the dating game. I thought I was ready to do it again. Online dating is amazing so I tried it. I was on match at one time. I got out of that very fast like because it's total bullshit. I just wanted to find someone that got me and I got them. I found it September of 2013. Now I can say I went thru hell and back for a man. I don't normally do that, I am the type to throw up my duces and say see ya biaaatch! I was a mess at one point in my life, chaos at its finest. I got my shit together some-what I did. I was looking for a new future and stability with new hopes. It's fucking harder than I expected it to be. Falling totally madly deeply in love with someone that was opposite from what I wanted.  He is the version of me in my twenties right now.  I see it very clearly. Then I have others trying to talk to me. Giving me the moon and stars in the process. Talking that good talk.  I am sitting here thinking about this one person and hoping for a change that moment he realizes I am a good catch. I have others in my ear whispering sweet nothings. I am the type that stands my ground God knows I've been thru some major hell in my life. The one I want really should to do some soul-searching that sucks major monkey balls. He should put the hoes on the DL see what he wants in his life. I have a bad habit pettin' and pampering men. It's a bad habit but I am really good at it and that is a downfall too. I work hard and I play hard needless to say. I have always lived by my motto. Get tough or die. That's why I hustle like I do. Here lately when you see distance with someone, when they USED to text back quick then it starts slipping to texting 20 minutes or an hour later and it wasn't like that in the beginning. There's someone else in the picture. I am stating the obvious because it's true.  Games are being played and I don't have time for that nonsense at all. When someone else is trying to give you the moon and stars, then you are start to get interested in that picture. The one you want is not going your direction that's when things starts to split or get lost I just hate that.  When I am put in a position that I feel worthless or POS I have to redirect myself, I know my worth. I know I'm a good woman with a good heart and soul. I've had one hell of a life straight out of hell needless to say. I think I am ready for a piece of heaven because all due in respect I deserve that much. I am not getting any younger I need peace and tranquility that is not much to ask for.  Maybe I need to stay by myself who knows. I really hope for the best with me and I am not high maintenance and I don't ask for much.  However something really needs to give with me some kind of change should come into play. I am mentally, physically and emotionally drained at the moment, I am tapped the fuck out. I need to be revived to a peaceful state of mind with someone that loves me for who I am not those hoes on social media. I go up and beyond for people. I wish someone would do the same for me for once and make me feel special.  Only one can hope for a good outcome I know I need it. Life shouldn't be so damn complicated but it is but I will keep on trying. Settling down and having coffee on a Saturday morning sounds like a plan to me.  Coffee and conversions, sex is up there but communication knocks that out the ballpark when you get older. Just being civil  to each other sounds delightful. Stability at its most awesome level. May I reach that point one day.

The Struggle

I must have done something extremely bad in my past lifetime. My life has not been pleasant at all. I've had my highs and my lows. As I look back on my 41 years I've had more lows than the highs. I've seen a crippling factor needless to say and that isn't good at all. I just wish my kids would work and drive they are 18 and 20 they really need to do this.  The world is absolutely a fucking bitch. I was driving and working at the age of 16 I just don't get this at all.  I hope they snap out of it and get their hustle on. I will pray for my children. They need to look at their mother and father make a difference in their life that's the God's honest truth not do a repeat change the cycle.

When I moved to Sherwood in 2005, I had a friend at work to introduce me to something different and I was intrigued. I researched it and started around 2006 with her guidance. I was going to church at that time and all. I knew my beliefs and where I was at in my life. I wanted to bring what she taught me and my beliefs together. She showed me the way. I live in the south and that shit doesn't fly,  hell to the no it doesn't. When she showed me how everything worked from the stones, crystal, sage and of course the candles. I knew I belonged with this belief but I wanted the Christian ways too. I'm not the church type person. I have religion in my heart and I go to church everyday in my privacy of my own home or wherever I may be.  Going to church,  it's an organized religion big-business all about the money, don't get me started. I noticed I was feeling relieved with my daily ritual. The stones, crystal, sage, candles and so much more they were making me feel better deep inside my soul. I was lost and confused most of all alone. I was alone for many many years.  I still feel that way today.  I got good at it and I was bringing in my Christian ways along with it. I felt complete. I am a loner. I don't let too many people in my private life for many reasons to name. I have been burned too many times. I want to stay away from the negative people or things as much as possible. So I found an outlet but it's not the norm in the south I know that. However I did not care, this was my life and I was going to live it the way I wanted too. When you combine Wiccan and Christian beliefs together you have a long road to hold with other people and their beliefs. That's when being a loner has its advantages.  I've had some controversial conversations and I have been to told to take my ass to Salem, Massachusetts ASAP because I belong there with that nonsense. Ignorance is bliss in the south.  I have my comfort zone and it doesn't concern anyone else but my beliefs with the universe. I am very loved on this level with my spirit guides.

However I got lost in my path about a year and half ago.  I shied away from my beliefs and put everything away for some reason. To this day I don't know why I did that.  I guess depression and my PTSD got the best of me. I got sick of everything in my life. I guess I said fuck it. I feel so bad about doing it. That was not me at all. I went on a downward spiral like no other and I am just now climbing back up. I know one thing I will never get lost again and lose hope.   Here about a week or so ago I got out my stuff and bought new too. I have felt so much better. Wiccan is a wonderful thing to have in my life and not leaving behind parts of the Christian way too.  Here lately I have felt heartbreak and bullying around last November that was over an opinion too and I still don't get that at all but I took up for myself and no one took up for me however I told myself if I can push and pull my way out of Conway County, Arkansas I can get thru anything. I went thru straight up hell with those folks. I don't know why my life is so damn difficult when I stay off to myself but I manage and whatever comes my way I will deal with it. I know I would love to find stability and love. Stability I can see that happening, love I just don't know.  Maybe I'm meant to be alone who knows. I know I am loyal and faithful but it has to be a 100/100 not 90/10. I don't know we will see.  Most men are in awe over other women not their mates and that shit doesn't fly with me. I rather live alone. Get in my happy place with my stones, crystal, sage, candles well all my goodies needless to say. I do hope for love but it has to be on the same level though. I will never go chasing for it. A man will be extremely lucky to be with me however I have to be cautious if he is entertaining someone else he doesn't need to waste my time. I am in love with someone and I hope also pray that we will be connected in the near future my life would be complete if that happened, we shall see. I am glad that I'm getting back to myself and I will stay that way until I die. Now only if Outskirts Press get what they deserve for scamming authors the world would be beautiful. I am praying for that karma.