December 5, 2014

My Brutal Honesty

My brutal honesty gets me labeled as a bitch to be honest I really don't give a fuck. Freedom of speech baby! When I started this blog, it was all about my fucking nightmare. I caused hell and havoc over it too. I went through stalking, slandering and bullying with a dash of sexual assault and suicide. I have been through a lot and I am one tough cookie. I have zero tolerance. I stand up for myself at all costs because all due in respect I'm not scared. Then my ex and his wife they don't pay taxes but I still get the blame for it tho on his part since he hasn't filed since 2003. I have a October 2014 letter, I carry in my purse since I have been told that I am starting shit with them. When I pull out that letter they shut the fuck up real quick. They don't have a comeback for me either. I love to smile big when that happens. Both of them, moved to Wyoming to run from the IRS here in Arkansas, how pathetic is that? The tax man will get you in any state. Paying their taxes they will not be able to live high on the hog like they do. So I guess they avoid them. It is what it is. I have survived through a lot of bullshit and I survived that creek without a paddle, just saying.

My father my lovely father. Which I had to wash my hands from. Don't get me wrong, I love my father but I will love him from a distance. In 6 days it will be 3 years since I been on the mountain to see him. I am in the process of finishing my 2nd book. I have a bad case of PTSD. I know a lot came from the cops and thugs that I was having problems with for 10 years but it has run a little deeper than that as I started to write. This started in 1976, I was 2 years old. I am understanding myself completely with my 2nd book. It scares the shit out of me too. Sometimes you have to love a parent from a distance. I know I get uncomfortable when his name is brought up. It's sad but I have to protect myself. I am in that mode right now. This is one tough book to write and I am about done with it. I know I will get on the Dr Phil show probably next year sometime. When I do it will be awful because I have anger issues lying on top of the surface just like a pimple, ready to pop. I was told to categorize this as anger issues. I have them but I have it under control for the time being. When I talk about it. It will be a different story. A monster will appear. I know one damn thing. I want the sheriff of this county and the past sheriff to be on the show. I have many questions for those dirty rotten bastards. I hope I don't kick their ass in the process. I will pray about it. I have questions to ask them I hope they can answer them properly. I will not be a happy camper if they don't.

My last relationship I will go there again too this is my blog! I have a couple of switches, my 1st switch is that I will always love him and to be honest I am still in love with him and it's hard to turn that switch off, I do love him. We had an unbelievable connection and he knows that. Our connection was off the charts and he can't deny that one bit very rare. My other switch is when I reach out and try and I can't get anywhere with it. I turn that off, I refuse to hurt myself, I can't drown in my own tears. I have to set limits this is my mind, body and soul it belongs to me and I have to protect it. That switch is hard to turn back on too needless to say it can be done but it's extremely hard to do. My blog I done, I left it up for a few days. I have done that several times with other blogs. I just need to get my point across then take it down. I was being truthful. That is 100% real talk. I have never ever cheated during this relationship and I never have before to think about it when I was talking to him. I was by his side through two relationships. That's his loss, he had a good woman, he just didn't realize it, nothing I can't do about that. He will regret it one day, trust me I know what I'm talking about.  I sent everything through via emails so that is that. What else can I do?

What people are failing to understand is, I was moving a long ways from home like 25 hours away from home. My kids are grown so it's my turn to get my shit together. I was moving to a town that I did not know anything about. I was going to work in a place that I wouldn't know anybody. I was uprooting and reestablishing my life. That is a big fucking deal and I needed a household that was financially stabled until I got my feet off the ground once again. I am the stupid one tho. I think shit through before I take a leap. I will have my regular bills plus the bills there 50/50. No one has thought of this but me. I wanted my ducks in a row and my eggs in one basket, think about it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. I would have had to transfer everything from Arkansas to another state. That was going to take time and money. That is a big-deal very big, yes indeed. I am very intelligent woman so never underestimate me one bit.

I don't know why my life is so damn difficult, I have placed this in God's hands and hope for the best. I know that I have put up with too much bullshit and I need to see some kind of break. I am really a good woman, I have a heart of gold. I just know what I will put up with and not put up with. I need to have deep prayer and hope it pulls through for me. I can honestly say, I have been pushed to my limit. I think I'm tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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