God Loves His Bad Children Too

What I am getting at is that, ‘God does NOT judge people.’ Yeah, I am very opinionated person and I take up for myself on the highest level. Who else is going to do it? Nobody but me! I suppose all the stuff I have been through all my life and especially the last 9 years. I did not have any intentions of backing down from that matter. Writing my book about it changed my life and changed my way of thinking and I cannot wait to publish it. Talking about an upcoming life change according to my editor she loved that book and she was happy to help me out. I appreciate it dearly.

Yeah, I cuss and I love women like I do men. I am not going to be damned to hell because how I live and state things. I am being real. Why be fake? Go to church and live a life of pretending. Yeah, my life sucks at the moment. However I am very thankful for the people in my life and the things I have. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God because of him I am keeping my sanity intact. The person that lives in the fake world of pretending will eventually meet their Karma one day and lose everything. That’s how it goes. Speaking of losing stuff I lost more than my share in this lifetime. I was put in this situation for a reason, I believe that now as I wrote a book about it.

I have no desire to change because I am as good as it gets. I hope one day I can get my college degree. I will be the ONLY grandchild to do so. I don’t have that much longer to get it either. The battle that I have been battling over the years will come to a close soon. When I publish my book! All the stuff I lost along the way I will be able to retrieve most of it however I will not be able to retrieve some of the years that I have lost but I will be able to make the upcoming days better for my children and that’s a promise I can make and keep.

I will keep doing what I am doing and I don’t give a fuck what-so-ever. Either you love me or hate me there will never ever be no in between when it comes to me. I don’t believe riding the fence.

It Is What It Is

What I call this is pure ‘fuckery’ I just  love that word. It brightens my day when I hear it. However, I had to mention, that everything was calm around me going smoothly. I should have known that these people ‘tweak’ on my sites like no other assholes in this world. On March 6 2013, I was leaving for work and I looked at my door handle it was bent so far out and I pulled on it and made it worse. I had a friend across the road he came over and fixed it. I just needed to get another handle that's all. I guess someone was trying to break into my car. I had two days off from work (my door was okay, when I locked it) then I was leaving out for work. I walked into a mess. I needed to get down the road and get to my job. I was so mad, I should have taken a picture but I didn't  I was in a rush. I was not thinking. I got it working again then left.  I have nothing in my car that anyone would want. That just did not make any sense at all. This is the Ass End of the World, Arkansas.  Anything can happen.  :/ I refuse to go to the police. I will NOT do that, waste of time needless to say. I am not going to lie I was mad about it but I soon got over it.

Then 4 days later, I got the strangest text ever, it was a voice text. I was like WTF, is going on now. I was on my way to work, again. I looked at the number and it looked familiar. I was like I don’t know about this then I ignored it. Then I was working in the ICU that night. I looked at my phone and I had another text. A new ‘Snapped’ is on. Then I was like freaking out now. My friend mention to me, did you not mention on a blog about Snapped. I was thinking to myself. Yeah, I sure did. Now I understand, crack-heads will be crack-heads. My friend told me to do a screen shot and I did. In a few days I put it on Instagram.  Because IDGAF, I have been through so much hell. I just don’t care anymore. I asked who it was and I did not get a reply back. I thought that was odd.

On the note, I am going to be so glad to publish my book. I hit a road block because the company I was going to use is under investigation. I talked to them on the phone they fumbled every sentence when I asked a question. I did find another company and I will be dealing with them very soon. Everything happens for a reason, a slight delay with my book is okay. I will get there no ands if or buts about it. In the mean time I will keep blogging and tweeting. I will continue to market my story. One day soon, very soon, it will PAY off for me. I will make sure I take a picture with my middle finger straight into the air and do a lovely blog just for them. DILLIGAF? Nope! This is only making me stronger and wiser just saying

Writing (Myself) OUT of this Situation

Writing (myself) out of this situation has to be the smartest thing I have done in a long-time. I am glad that I was talked into writing these books. It will help me out of my hole that I am in because of this county needless to say. That is OK though, what doesn't kill me through this period of my life will make me stronger in the end. These books are going to help me out mentally, emotionally and physically. Therapeutic writing is the bomb! Why spend money on therapy, when you can pocket that money through books. Something that I thought I could never ever be able to do. I done it! I wrote a book, a novel. It is such an accomplishment. I have turned my wounds into words. I think everyone should write at least one book in their life.

I have had nothing in life but hell pure hell. The next book I am working on is a touchy subject. I am going back to two years of age. I am glad I am doing it and I really don’t care who I piss off because I am being on-point that’s all. I have had several people to tell me I have something write about. They wouldn't want my life that is for sure. Maybe this is my calling my reason to be here. I know I am not the only one that is going through this in past-tense, present-tense and future-tense. That’s how the world works I suppose. Live and learn.

I used to have a place of my own; I had that taken away from me when I did not obey the ‘Good Ole Boy System’ that’s all in my first book. Writing straight from the heart relives the hatred and anger issues that are embedded deep in your soul. That causes so much pain and writing is a sweet release. Yes, it is.

After I get my series done that will be a total of 4 books in all. I will pursue my BA in professional writing. I think I will do this for the next 20 years since I have been in the medical field for that last 20 years. Writing takes me to a happy place and I know I can do it. I have a lot of ideas for future books when my self-healing writing is done and out of the way. I am working at a job that saddens me, why not change it up a little and write about things that I enjoy and love.

You are never too old to start a new adventure. You only live once and live it the way you want too. If people have any problems with it, they can stay away from you or be your friend and help you out through the good-times and the bad. "Life is too short to put up with bullshit." That’s my motto. Just remember, GOD IS GOOD!

Overcoming, Slandering, Stalking & BULLYING!

I am so proud that I was able to write this book. It was a hard one to write. Towards the end, my editor wanted me to read some of it to her out loud. Now that was hard to do, she seen my emotions and actions. Right then she knew she was glad that she helped me with the book and took a part in it. She told me I will not have any problems selling the book and she would not be surprised if it became a Best Seller. The book is ready. She told me, I was making the right choice with Dr Phil and the exposure over these particular subjects it’s happening all over the world no doubt about that. She stated he shouldn't turn me down. She also stated that it took guts to write what I did and kept myself grounded even though it’s an ongoing situation and my ending blended in beautifully while I had to keep my feet grounded from the court system. 

My life is not pretty at the moment however I got to say what needed to be said and that satisfied me. She was impressed with my work. I wrote straight from the heart that says a lot about the writer. Nearly 65,000 words of hell, I got through it. I couldn't have gotten through it without God and prayers. He has been right there by my side and he will be here until I finish my 4 book series. I am pretty sure he will continue to be with me until the day I die and afterwards.

My next book which I am working on now is a killer. Mental abuse, bullying and control all rolled up in one from a parent. I will get through this book too. I can say that there’s NOTHING going on around me now. What I am seeing now people are putting on a fake front and saying how good this one is and that one is. I am like let’s talk about this on Dr Phil; I barely got through reading it out loud. I can’t imagine what being on a stage front of millions of people would be like. Like the story goes, when shit gets real people get fake, yes, I am seeing a lot of that lately. I have opened the gates of hell while I am writing these books; I will close the gates of hell when I am done writing these books. That is a promise I can keep. 

Happy 18th Birthday to 'My Girl'

My daughter is 18 now, OMG~ where has the time gone? I want her to have so much more than what I had. She is so smart with her 4.0 and she got accepted into a great college. She will have most of her stuff paid for that is a good thing. Mama does not have that kind of money. I think the way she seen me struggle through-out the years to raise her and her brother she sees the difference. I tell her all the time; get that education then marriage and children if she wants that. I told her to stay clear of the young men at this time focus on that education most of all. They are nothing but trouble just another ‘notch’ in their belt. That is the truth. I told her not to have children at a young age. What it will get you, a baby daddy that will leave your ass after 2 or 3 kids. It will be over because you are too demanding or the kids are too much to deal with or just can’t get along. I also told her and it will be hard to find someone else with young kids at tow. They will use you as a booty call nothing more. Most will not put up with another man’s children anyways. You need to give that long deep thought girlfriend. There are men out there that will do that don't get me wrong, one in a million, slim to none. You gotta have some good luck to find a man like that. I told her you need a man with a brain, good education and good credit report. Man that will work and provide for you. I have always been the bread winner and she has seen that. I think she gets the picture. I told her women should not have kids until their 30’s that is the God’s honest truth. Live a little and then settle down. I am glad that she seen me struggle raising her and her brother. They have never had things handed to them. Hell, I was doing good to get what they needed in life. I have always done without, I am not complaining that is a mother’s job. I know she is very smart and I want her to play her cards right. She has told me that she does not what any children. I told her you will change your mind in the long run. I also told her to be honest having children in this monster of a world we live in now that would not be a bad idea not to have any. The world has gone to hell in a hand basket, why put a little one in such of a heartache kind of world I must say. But that is up to her. She has to make that decision, no one else. What she needs to do, get that college degree and live free spirited as long as she can. I love her so much and I know she will do well because she has her head on her shoulder. With the right guidance and support she will do just fine. I love my girl!

On the note, when it comes to having kids at a young age. You have massive bills and NO life until they are 18. If you don't have a college degree you are pretty much screwed and you are living on assistance as well. One thing about it, if you are going to college full time and working full time it's a total nightmare however if you are driven you can succeed and make your dreams come true. If you are lazy not driven your life will be complicated for a very long time. My advice, graduate from high school, then college, then children. Make your life simple NOT complicated. Live your life as long as you can then add the BIG responsibilities when you are stable and under control with life.   

2013

I hope that 2013 will be a blissful New Year for me and my kids plus my mom. We need it! I am super stoked about my upcoming novel. I worked hard on it and I am ready for that adventure to start. I have to keep my praying in high-gear, so everything will fall into place. So far it has worked out for me and I appreciate it.

I have been in a dark place for several years almost a decade to be honest. However I fought like no other and I stood my ground. I never did give in. I wasn’t about to let that happen. I guess like the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I am one strong woman now. I don’t hate these people like I used too. I thank them because they have given me chance to a write a series of books. I guess what I lost over the years and I lost a lot kid you not. I did not deserve that kind of treatment at all. Now, I can take care of some of my personal problems that I am having been having for years now. There are some things I can’t get back because that’s impossible but I will make the best of this situation that is for sure.

I can’t wait to actually say the name of this particular mountain. I am so stoked! It hasn’t got any attentions since the 60’s over a very popular song. Naming my series from this particular mountain moves me to no end. It has its own Wikipedia, maybe my books will be placed in it who knows, that would be wonderful. The power of prayer, works in so many ways. God is good all the time. He has been with me through this trial believe that. I needed him that is a promise without him I could have not done my writing. I will defiantly need him for my second book and my others as well.

I have written off people in my life. The first one was my second ex-husband back in 2004. You see where that has gotten me, blogging and my upcoming Novel needless to say. He made his bed, he will lay in it. Never again! Why should I stay around people that make me cry and belittle me? Life is too short to put up with that. No, I don’t feel sorry about it, it just gives me a chance to write books. Maybe my 40 years of hell is my calling in life, writing these books. I can’t get nowhere in life, that’s the Gods honest truth. I don’t sugar-coat anything; I tell it like it is. I hope for a wonderful 2013 because almost a decade of darkness sucks-ass, I need a little bit of sunshine in my life and good luck for once.

 

F**K YOU!

I just got sick of it! I started to blog about this situation September 17, 2010. It started on MySpace then went on to BlogSpot. I got tired of my second ex-husband sending people over, trying to get me to go out. So he could pop up and be around me. I don’t think so. He's been playing these games since 2004. His brother played a BIG part in it too.  He about drove me nuts. What he needs to do is lay low maybe just maybe he will go to jail. This time he will stay there for good. He can’t keep out of trouble that is an understatement. As for my second ex-husband, his wife knows all about his infidelities don’t let that fool ya! She has caught him and knows about the numbers, he is a whore, end of story. I am just telling the truth, I have been all along. It’s all in my blogs straight into the archive. I didn’t blog about these occurrences for my health. I blogged about these occurrences because I could not get NO damn help in Arkansas, some women want to put up with mental abuse and physical abuse. I have had my fair share of it. She might like it, not me, just saying. I will publish this book it’s all on a fictional level and most people don’t want to hear truth but I feel oh so better writing it and I can’t wait to start on my second book. That was will be a dandy because I will not be sugar coating my childhood hell to the no I will not.

I got to jot down what I have bought for my daughter since I am a bad mom and all.

1)    Homecoming 2010 (my daughter) dress, shoes, accessories, hair, nails and all that goes with it. $250.00 who paid for it? Me and my Mom

2)   Class Ring (My daughter) $510.00 who paid for it? Me

3)   Prom 2012 (my daughter) dress and shoes accessories $150.00. Who paid for it? Me Her dad hair and nails.

4)   Homecoming 2012 (My Son) $375.00. Who paid for it? Me and my Mom

5)   Senior Pictures (My Daughter) $200.00. Who paid for it me? Me

6)   Senior package (My daughter) $350.00. Who paid for that? My mom

7)   Senior annual announcement (my daughter) $175.00. Who paid for it? Me

Where was her dad in this part? Oh wait her hair and nails, my bad. Before someone says that I am a piece of shit mom better think about it. I can’t get ahead here. But I will go up and beyond to make sure my kids have what they need.

 My book will be a blessing to me and my 3 favorite people in this world; I am the disturbed one and the crazy one. I think I am doing just fine I must have to say. I just don’t let anyone walk all over me that’s all! Thank God for my Social sites over the years it sure has helped me out. This state plays a big part of “psychosis” all in your head bullshit. What a fucking joke. I know I have been beat to the ground, I can’t get ahead to save my life here. However I will make sure my kids have what they need. I bet your sweet ass on that. There is nothing wrong with me; I have zero tolerance to mental abuse and control. I stand my ground that makes me a crazy bitch so fucking be it. Majority of these motherfuckers can kiss my ass! I am stoked about my second book; I can’t wait to start on it. I am totally excited about it. My mom just gave me her car because mine was going to lay down and die on me at any given time. I can’t get a new car with what’s going on in my life at the moment. I live in the real world that is not possible. Yup, I can’t wait to launch my book and the others that fall behind it. I can’t get a degree but I am able to publish a book and become a published author. You gotta love Arkansas!!!

My BOOK!

My sweet sweet book! Either that book made me or it broke me. I think that I am stronger now that I have ever been in my life. Even though I had to put it in a fictional world needless to say for all kinds of numerous reasons, however I am proud of what I have written into form. I am glad that I am doing these books. If I got through the first one I will be able to get through the rest of them I am sure of that.

What I have been through I need some kind of break. I have been through fucking hell and I did not realize that until I went back in time and seen this at a different angle and it was shocking to me. I had to unlock doors that I had pad locks on and I did not have any intention of opening those doors again. I will admit it, I had a meltdown and it was a bad one. I had a headache for several days and I cried so much. I guess I need that kind of release. I cried more than I have in a long time. I just did not want anyone see that side of me. I went through a lot. I just can’t wait to publish this book but in the meantime I have heavy duty editing and get my ending right. I am a perfectionist you know how that goes. I had to go back into time but I made it through.

 I have the BEST editor in the world and she will guide me to where I need to go. She has been a rock through all of this and I will have an appreciation page just for her. I want other people to use her, her work is phenomenal, and I recommend her all the way. She rocks.

In January I will send off my manuscript and I will get this rolling. My praying has gone up and beyond the limits. God hasn’t got a problem with me doing this, I assure you that much. God is good, no need to say anymore because I know and he knows too.

I will get on the Dr Phil show NO ands ifs or buts about it. My first copy that I get will go directly to him. That is a promise I can keep. This book will help out my struggles as well as my family. I am keeping a positive note and no one can bring me down. I have been down way to long and this book has risen me up out of my slump. I needed that in worst kind of way. Writing is like soup to the soul.

I made a strong dedication to this; I shut my social life down. Only time I went out when I had the kids. Tina Time was out the door for the time being. I meant what I said. Strong pure dedication and I was told it would favor for me in the long run. Good things happen to good people when they work hard towards a goal. I have worked hard on this and the first time in my life I am pleased with myself, I hated myself for a long time now. Feeling like that means the world to me. My next book is playing in motion as well I can’t wait to start on that one. It will be a challenge however I am up for it just saying. Gotta love my twisted life.

Anger Issues

As I am writing this book, I am dealing with anger issues I mean on a serious level.  I just think back, why I did I have to go through that level of torment and disgust? I really don’t think I will get a straight answer not in this lifetime anyways. I am just so angered. I think I could drop kick some of these cops and informants in their fucking head. It is so sad that I feel this away but I do. I am pulling some really fucked up moments out that happened to me along this journey of hell. I am like really, did I really go through that? I have never in my life felt this kind of frustration like I do. I should have done this book in 2010. I am feeling better as I write this book though. This is one hell of a testimonial on a fictional level. It is what it is. I think if I make the Dr Phil my emotions are going to be off the charts. I am very angered about this situation. So many people that I know they want me on that show.

Yeah, my car is in the shop as I type this, my theory, my car has 173,000 miles it’s old and run down and things are going to happen. I got to keep my car as long as I can while I am doing these books. My friend’s theory, someone done something to it, I highly doubt it but if that was the case. Anything that goes on around me will eventually be brought to light. OK, I have a Blog out and me fighting for my rights to be left alone. Anything is possible. I am NOT going to worry about it. They can set it on fire. Whatever….. It will be brought to surface in the long run. I am NOT going to stop my book. These bastards have ruined my life and its payback time.

If I sell 10 million books that will be 10 million people all around the world that will know what I have been through. I am NOT worried about the money I am worried about Dr Phil, as I was told, your book is Dr Phil material with lots of psychological trauma to one person. I know what I have to do when I get towards the end of the book and that will be the hardest thing for me to do. I know I have to do it even if I don’t get a reason why this had to happen to me. Hey, least I have the balls to put this in a story form and get it out there one way or another. The second book will be another killer for me but I know I got to do it. I will start on that soon. I am going to need lots of strength to carry me through this period of time in my writing that is for sure.

 Yes, I will be in touch with a self-publisher. Yes, I will spend what I need to spend to get the book published. Yes, I will be getting a second job. No, IDGAF I am strong enough to do this and strong enough to get it done. In the end it will be worth it on a mental status that is. 

Let's Hope that my Third year of Blogging, is about Love & Sh*t, Fingers Crossed

I know I stated that I wouldn’t write another blog for a while. However I wanted to jot some stuff down since this is actually my 2 year anniversary date of blogging about my occurrences in this county. I remember every time I blogged how it was quite then all of a sudden all hell broke loose. I know the ones that I am having problems with are on my Twitter, BlogSpot, or Instagram even though I have my Instagram on private. I still have my little informants. But it’s all good. One thing about it, it is all quite now. I am so serious about this book and my other two books. I have never in my life felt such a sweet release of emotions of all kinds.

I have had my head crammed on the floor for many years. I had fight to free myself that is an understatement. As I write this first book, I remember how the cops and informants stalked me to no end. I remember that I was so scared and worn out that I eventually was run out of the county. Because I would NOT obey the ‘Good Ole Boy System’ I remember I had to sell all my stuff and relocate and lost some years because of these punk ass bastards. I remember once I was moved and I had to come back to visit. I remember these cops were on my trail hot and heavy as soon as I drove into the county. The informants were watching every move I made as well. I remember all the torture that I had to go through just to visit. I couldn't live in a place like that. 

 I have been through so much stuff people just don’t realize what it has done to me emotionally, physically and mentally. Then they all tried to make me out like I was the crazy one. Well, there will be a day that I will make the Dr Phil show; I bet your sweet ass on that. When I do talk about this on a national level all hell will break loose. As I type this down for my book my emotions are running wild because I am still hurting from what had happen to me. Can you imagine when I talk about it; my emotions are going to be out of this world. That is what I want; I want these assholes to hang their head down in shame for putting me through this for many many years. All because I did not want anything to do with my second ex-husband, how pathetic and ridiculous is that?

The one person that was suppose to protect me in life, I had to write him off as well because he had his hands dirty in this county and he could not even help me out either when I needed him the most. The nightmare I was living and he could not do anything about it how sad and pathetic is that? I had to move and lose stuff over and over again throughout the years. That’s ok; it’s going to bring my second book into motion. I am going to lay it all out there too. I am nearly 40 years old, 40 years of hell as I see it. I be damned if I will go through another 40 years of fucking hell because I did not play by the goddamn rules.

As I do this book it seems that this darkness that I live in is slowly turning into color. I am taking a beating with this book, however I am feeling better and stronger and I will knock every one of my books out the ball park. I was told by a lawyer if I play my cards right, my books could be, book to movie. There is potential there IF it is done right. I can believe that too!  I am all about Dr Phil, I want others on Dr Phil as well, and I want to see Victoria and Elane on the Dr Phil show. They lost their sons through the corruption in this county.  There are other people not just them. This is the (shhhhh) county, I am like hell to the No! Let’s talk about it.

As I type I get so upset at times, I am beside myself. There was no excuse for me to go through what I went through. None what-so-ever! However the pain that I have been dealing with is slowly but surely going away, I know the next 40 years of my life will not be like my last 40 years I promise you that much. I will take this pain and turn it into something beautiful and more promising than what these controlling bastards had for me. I will come out strong and hold my own. This county has a rude awakening. This is 2012 not the 1950’s people are a lot smarter and wiser needless to say. Like myself I took it to the internet. If I can’t get anything done here in Arkansas, I will get it done on the World Wide Web. Thank God for the World Wide Web. My Twitter is growing and it will continue to grow. By February or March when, when I launch my book, I will have great amount of people and most will help me spread the word and help me with my book that is for sure.

 I am on a mission and I will accomplish what I am aiming for. Some people you just don’t fuck with and I am one of them. I don’t do anything wrong. I stay off to myself. I rather have it that way. Plus my social life is on the hold because of these books. I thank God for sending me an editor that is a writer and she is a book seller too. I am going through her publishing company. I will reward her like no other; I admire her for helping me. I needed that back-bone of help. To be honest I don’t know how to write a book but she will be showing me the way to write. I know I will have a good 65,000 words and I love that so much. As I cleanse myself with writing and now they are hiding. However they can’t hide forever. As for me, the truth shall set me free. I have NO shame in my game.

I have lost from where I live to my education even my pay checks.That is OK though, I will get that back eventually. This time these sons of bitches will NOT take that away from me again. One thing I can say, I am a very grateful, thankful person and I appreciate everything that comes my way and I will never ever forget the ones that helped me along the way that is a promise I can make. I will pay them back. I love writing and these books are going to be such a blessing to me and my children.

This is my motto: Turn your wounds into wisdom & a great mess into greatness.