Dear God, Dear Universe and Dear Spirit Guides......

Dear God, Dear Universe and Dear Spirit Guides...... I have my sage, candles and stones all the good positive stuff out when I start my ritual. I have been in sync like this for a long time now, it will make 2 months tomorrow since I had my wreck. I am more in tuned with God and the universe more than ever now. I have been dragged thru hell. There's so much wrong with this situation that doesn't make any sense. I got my 'get tough or die' attitude on. I have took a beat down from hell. If it wasn't for me kicking my spiritual level up notch, I would not be alive right now. Since day one of my wreck, I was tossed to the side. I had to get back up no other choice. No matter what kind of pain I was in. I looked at my car, I was close so close getting killed that day. God said, "not yet Tina." I was knocking on heavens door I promise that much.

Has anyone asked how I was feeling about this wreck in a logical sense, no not really. I am NOT the same person as I was before the wreck, I am different. I remember before my wreck, I was hustling my way in life. Working and burning candles at both ends still never getting ahead. I was still getting stuff taken away from me but I was still working massive amounts of hours just to push through. Now I have a troubled back, my leg and arms goes numb and it happens up to 7 times a day. My hands and feet get tingling. My stomach hurts too. I have stomach pains. My neck hurts and then headaches set in. I take about 2-4 Ibuprofen's a day. I don't take pain meds, I flush those down the commode ones I got from the doctor. I have good and bad days now. I don't know what to think about that at all. I know all of this I have to live with now. I am not the same person as I was before. PTSD has gotten worse I can tell. Especially when I am driving. STFU and let me drive and get us there. I see a difference there needless to say. Intolerance that's the best describing word for that. I get on edge. However, I know I have to push my way through. I have to deal and go on but it's there and it's not going anywhere. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I will get real stern with this one. I will make myself clear, I have had enough not being listen too. Then the medical bills, my insurance were going make me pay for them because they got to the point of being exhausted they said they couldn't pay anymore. Um, hell no! This wreck was NOT my fault and that wasn't going to happen, I am not paying for the medical bills. I got a lawyer. I get so tired of being shit on beyond tired! You talking about pain and suffering, there's not a word for my pain and suffering at this moment.

What pissed me off with this wreck, I got blamed for it. I was like, oh hell no. When you fly across an intersection, you do not stop at the stop sign. Hwy 9, I had the right of way. When you go about 50-60 miles an hour bypassing a stop sign. That is suicide and murder wrapped into one. You either want to kill yourself or someone else. It's that simple. No one dying from a situation like this, is a miracle from God. God was at that scene of destruction taking care of everyone. Obviously God has a plan for me and I know what it is too. I know I was making arrangements to move to the east coast this summer. Conway County and Arkansas has wore me down to the ground. I need a break and God's knows it. Yes, he does. On top of what is going on. I got a threatening phone call. However they weren't smart enough to block it. Yes, I got the number still.

That's why I am doing this blog. I have enough to deal with, I have no car. I had a NEW car, I got it 9-24-14 and it was totaled 3-24-15 six months to the day. I can't have anything in Arkansas. Not one damn thing. I have to depend on my mom she is on a fixed income too, dear fuck. I have to think about the book, I wrote too. If there is any kind of hanky panky bullshit. I will bring the house the down, I promise that much. I am pushed to my breaking point. I have had enough. I have to worry how I am going to get here and there. This is the first time in 25 years of me being without a car. I don't like this shit at all. I did not ask for this, I did not ask nearly getting killed either all I was doing was going to work and be a caregiver. I am done sick a fork in me. I had to live with high amounts of stress before the wreck, I am living in higher amounts of stress that pisses me off to no end.

I remember how peaceful I was on the east coast. I remember the tranquility. I know I can find jobs like I have been doing here in Arkansas. I almost got killed, God is telling me, life is too short. While I am still breathing air. I should be able to live anywhere I want if that brings me peace and happiness to my life. I am a good person, good heart and soul. I just stand my ground with my brutal honesty. That's why I am feisty and non-compliant. There is a certain man, that I love out there too. I know that I am a plane away or drive away to come back home from time to time. I know in my heart that I have ran my course here in Arkansas. It's time for me to be happy and live the remainder of my days on earth somewhere where I am content. That's all I am asking for and that's not that much. I will keeping talking to God, the universe and my spirit guides maybe they will help me move right along to where I belong.

This is why, I don't go to the doctor.

My wreck for an example.

Yes, I know that I work in the medical field, I have for 23 years now and I know what goes down. As I was leaving for work, this truck went past a stop sign doing about 50-60 miles an hour flying like a bat out of hell.  In a school zone too. Then we hit and all hell broke loose. It was a close call, for all 6 of us being dead matter of fact. I seen smoke or the airbags made my vision cloudy anyways I got out of the car real quick like and I passed out and then I woke back up and I called my mom, I passed out again. I was in and out of consciousness, I passed out again when I seen my little cousin. I was incapacitated for the most part. I knew something was not right with my body and I stated that at the scene but it didn't matter needless to say. The ambulance arrived, it took them 3 containers of air   aka oxygen to get to me the first two were empty. My oxygen at one point was going down fast. That's when I had that out-of body-experience, my pulse and oxygen was fading, I believe it took 2 or 3 pulse oximeters (because they did not work) to get the accurate reading. Then my pulse and oxygen slowly came back to me, a lot of my family was at the scene, they know what had happened. The ambulance was not equipped at all in my opinion. Then off to the ER, I go. I was there no more than 4 hours tops. In my heart of all hearts I really don't think that the communication between the ambulance ride and ER was not up to par needless to say. I know I was hit at high impact and lost consciousness few times. I was not in a blood and guts accident however the impact I was in, caused my back and neck to hurt extremely bad and my left hand was swollen, my skin seemed to be on fire from the airbags that went off in the car and I had bruises galore and some cuts. Hell my right knee bent my car keys and I have a picture to prove it. I did a cat-scan when I got there but there were hardly any questions after and that was odd. See, I did not have insurance so therefore I was treated and released as soon as they could get me out of their hair. That is the God's honest truth about this situation. I was discriminated because I did not have insurance. That is being down right truthful with my brutal honesty. Here I was hit on high impact because there was no blood and guts involved doesn't mean that I didn't get hurt. I was in and I was out under 4 hours in the ER. Me blacking out at the scene did not matter I guess. I was told that I could go back to work the very next day. My mom heard that, she was in shock, the look on her face was priceless. Here I had a sling on my left arm, I could barely move and I hurt oh so bad. On my way out of the hospital, I was getting my results from the doctor. I work in Little Rock at a hospital and I have never seen this kind of treatment in my life. This particular ER made me feel like a piece of shit and to be honest about it. I would have been better off to have died in the wreck that's another brutal honest opinion of mine. I am hardcore with my words, and with my truth. I do not sugarcoat bullshit. I call it like I see it. I hope and pray that my lawyer will take care of business because I am tired of getting screwed over when this wreck was not my fault at all. I need some kind of relief with my pain and suffering.

So the next day, I hurt so bad, I could hardly move. I had my sling on my left arm. I was having neck pain and back pain numbness and tingling was all over my body. They told me to get a primary doctor and I couldn't seem to get one because I did not have insurance. No one didn't want to direct me to any kind of help. I was thinking how the ER doctor and the ER nurse told me I could go back to work the next day. It took a week and a half to get out of bed properly. I was still hurting, I went back to the ER for an MRI, I was in and out getting my results going out the door once again. That ER was cold hearted. Go see a primary doctor they said, tell me where to go? No answer. I was fed up at that point and someone told me a law-firm to call. I called them. Guess what? I got a doctor and physical therapist the next day. I got the help I need and dealing with insurance companies are a joke too. They will screw you over without the KY. I couldn't believe my eyes with the insurance companies. It's been 6 weeks since the wreck. I have no car and I have no rental. I have to bum rides and so on to get to my appointments. Yes, I am being drugged through hell. This wreck was not my fault and I am the one that is getting shit on. However that is the story of my life. So everyone's life is peachy. Driving and working but me. I'm the one that is hurt trying to get better. I had a relapse in PT but I will make it through, I was lifting and I woke up the beast that resides in my back my numbness came back 50% worse. I have a get tough or die attitude, I will push through this like a boss. If I could work, I would, how the fuck would I get there? Walk? I think not. I am the 'Man in the Box'  with this situation. I hope I never have another wreck if I do, I hope the hell I die in it.  No need to live through that shit again. This is a freaking nightmare.

Moral of this story, I don't go to the doctor. I think I have went twice in 18 years I had my daughter in 1995 and my son 1997, this made the 3rd time in that time span with my wreck. I think that is impressive to go to the doctor in 18 years and you can count it on one hand. Medical field is big-business. They don't give a fuck about you but they give a fuck about the money. I take prenatal vitamins, (hair, nails, skin vitamin), kelp, cinnamon, B-12 and D also Cell Food, I put some drops in a 4 once glass of V8. I heal myself with herbs rather than chemical bullshit that keeps you sick because they want your money. I'm not a frequent flyer and I don't give a shit about pain pills. I took the pain pills from my wreck for 2 weeks and I flushed the rest. I know what pain pills will do. I'm not a dope head. I take my herbal vitamins and cell food go on about my business. That is why I don't have insurance because I don't go, why pay? Now with Obama Care, I will have to get insurance before I file my taxes next year. My ex has insurance for the kids but they don't get sick, they are 18 and 20. I breastfed my children. I was taking plenty of vitamins too while doing it.  I am a healer and I heal myself when I am sick. No need for doctors.

My Godforsaken Life

Let's stroll down memory lane. I opened this blog on October of 2010 (Blogspot) however I started this crusade, September 17th 2010. I had enough of the bullshit in Conway County,  Arkansas. I moved back in May of 2010, my nerves got the best of me by September. I couldn't get any help from anywhere. These motherfuckers were running me absolutely bat-shit CRAZY. The thugs and the crooked cops, I couldn't take it any longer. I made my way to an open diary to the public because I straight up didn't give a fuck at that point in time, it was documentation at its finest. Dealing with Slandering, Stalking and Bullying right along with sexual assault at one time. My cup had runneth over. I've had a tough time, hard road to hold in life from this. This good ole boy bullshit just disgust me to no end. Makes me want to vomit to be honest. I took a mental beating from these idiots for many, many years and it's 2015 needless to say. I done enough blogs on that subject it's all in the archives.

Strolling along, I had to write people off in my life from here and there. One of them happened to be my father. All the crap I was taking from the punk ass bitches and him took a toll on me. However I have dealt with this all my life, well 37 years I did, that was the age I walked away from it. I put it in the fuck it bucket and moved on. I had a lot to tell me I was a cold hearted bitch removing blood from my life. The way I viewed it, I have dealt with bullying all my motherfucking life. I got my belly full no more for me I told myself. I don't give a shit about blood ties. When a parent makes their child cry or make them upset because they get satisfaction from it. Well, they can go straight to hell for all I care. When you see a smirk on their face because it makes them happy to see you upset. I am the type of person to put my middle finger in the air and say see ya in hell motherfucka while I walk away. Tina doesn't have time for that nonsense. I was getting too old for that shit anyways.

Let's keep on strolling, it was brought to my attention to write a book. I was like I can do that but the ending would be a nightmare to write because I'm a blogger not an author. My ending is still on going. I don't have an ending. So I sat down and wrote a book and I was amazed at myself over the ending which by the way, was an awesome fictional way out. My fear was publishing it and getting screwed over. I researched and researched I thought I found a good company so I thought. I spent $1500 to publish my book and I made about $250 with a quarter of a million followers. Yup, I got screwed over, scammed and fucked in the ass all the same time. My book sold out twice. I did a blog on it and it's a must read too.  It's the beginning of the launch where you make your money at, the big lump sum that I did not see at all, they did I did not. Then it's hit or miss later on as the time goes on its all about the beginning that's where the money lies at. Outskirts Press can suck my ever loving dick. I hope karma gets them and hope she fucks them in the ass for a change. They have screwed over many, many authors it's a damn shame too.

Still Strolling, the hardships and adversities that's all I have ever seen in my life, that's all I know. I try and try still get shit thrown in my face no matter what I do its not good enough. I work my ass off,  burning the candle at both ends. One thing about me, I am street smart and street tough. I had to be, no one I mean no one can bullshit me. I will call their ass out. I loathe fake motherfuckers. I don't have room in my life for fake people hell no I don't. Be real with me or leave me the fuck alone. That's how I feel about it. No matter what, I will give my shirt off my back if someone really needs it. I'm that person. Life hates me maybe it's because I stand stern and take no shit off of anyone who knows but I will never change who I am though. I will have that fuck'em feed them fish heads attitude until the day I die.

My stroll almost ended, on March 24, 2015. I am about to get real and raw about this shit. FYI, I know what was said about this wreck and this wreck was not my fault what so ever. It was about a week after I had my wreck. I got fed up. I didn't have insurance and I was having trouble getting help until I got a lawyer then it all changed for me. My back and neck hurt so bad. I got off to myself. I closed my door and I slide down it, I started to cry and my anxiety sky rocketed to the roof. I looked back on my life, 3 attempted suicides. 89, 93 and 2010. I have had several nervous breakdowns over the years. I got clean on my own with no help at all. My pregnancy brought me out of that hole thank God withdraws and all but I pulled thru it with a healthy baby girl. I have been thru a lot of shit in my life. Now in 2015 I'm tired and wore out. I'm sick of everything. Trying and not getting nowhere in life. I just hit my point couldn't go any further. Done so done. Stick a fork in me.

This is what I think, I wished I would have died in that wreck. I would have been better off and everybody around me would have been better off too, I live in misery. I'm sick of disappointments. I've blogged about it.  I'm not going to hide this fucking shit from anyone this is how I fucking feel it is what it is. Everything I do is a dead-end for me true story. Trying gets so old when you can't go anywhere with it, what's the point? Getting screwed over all the time that's all I expect that's fucking bullshit to live like that. My wreck would have been a way out. Death is a reward. No more sickness no more sorrow no more worries. You're free just free of life's chaos. I am not afraid to die. To me death is beautiful no more pain or suffering nor depression. Obviously life wants to torture me some more or I need to go to my calling. I know what it is, the FEDS should let me be and let me rock this shit out, the way it should be done. Who knows what will happen.

All I ever wanted was peace and tranquility. That's not much to ask for. I can't believe how this wreck played out the way it did, I am still here. My neck and back hurts so bad, hoping it will get better soon. I want to live in one of the New England States. I am so relaxed when I am out there. It's hard to describe however I think it's time for me to have peace in my life this suffering shit in the south has really got me down and out. If I had one wish,  I wish for a reset button in my life for peace and tranquility. I'm tired and worn down. The miracle I need is the miracle I wish for. I hope it comes true I really do.

My Black Cloud

Since my wreck, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I will get to my wreck towards the end of the blog. My life has always, I will stress always had a black cloud over it. I was born with one needless to say and it's a big black cloud.

I wrote a book about my life. I am just sitting on it until I find a better way to publish it. Outskirts Press has made me extremely gun shy with their embezzling ways they have destroyed me and my soul to write. I loathe that company anyways it will be published when the time is right. As a child I've always had that black cloud to follow me around. My childhood was tough most would say I was too spoiled most don't know what went on behind closed doors. I have the most awesome mom in the world at one time I would have beg the differ but we got past that when I got pregnant with my first born and our bond has been strong ever since. My dad was the military dad, I was the son he never had. I was the only child between them. My mom had 2 boys from a previous marriage. They were like 10 and 12 when I was born. My father had a daughter from a previous marriage. I really don't give a fuck how the story goes. Which it's a long one BTW. That's his daughter, end of story. I have 2 stepbrother's and 1 step sister. My father was something else. It was his way or no way. He was number one at all times. My dad was stern with brutal words. In my own words, he wasn't doing his job if he didn't make you cry that day with his belittling vocabulary that came out of his mouth. I put up with that shit for 37 years and I am 41 now. For 37 years my head had so much poison filled in it and my way of thinking because of his actions and his words I did not know if I was coming or going. I stayed fucked up inside my own head for many years, I guess I was dazed and confused most of the time. Military life with hurtful words I might add. Don't get me twisted we had good times but I remember the bad times a whole lot more. I love my dad from a distance I do. I removed that poison out of my body it took 4 years to do it and I don't have any intentions to put it back in if you know what I mean. He better treat my kids, his granddaughter and grandson with respect, that's all I am going to say about that. I love my kids dearly, one is 20 and one will soon to be 18. I think me and my mom done a fine job raising them. I have good kids and I am extremely proud of them.

Looking for love. I was married twice. The first time I was married 34 days and my 2nd was for 4 years. I get a kick out of this my divorces were final the 1st time was August 6th the 2nd time August the 5th just 5 years apart. Got out of one frying pan into another. It's been 15 years since I seen a wedding day 17 years from my 1st one been single since 2004. I look for love in ALL the wrong places.  I'm like damn it man that black cloud of mine gets blacker when a man is around I guess. I find men that are not quite over another female. They still have the ex on the brain. That's where my disfunction state of mind sets it. Love goes down the wrong path, the path of destruction begins. I have one baby daddy praise God for that. I had my kids out of wedlock if you haven’t already did the math by now. I married because I thought I should do it for them. I woke up 34 days later, I told myself, I can't be doing this shit for the rest of my life. That's a long road to hold and I don't need to be in that mess. My rewards from that marriage is my daughter and my son. I don't regret it one bit. The one I regret is my 2nd marriage. If I had a delete button I would delete that shit in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. With his non-tax paying ass. 4 years of hell and 8 years of stalking, slandering and bullying with corruption of the cops to boot. My first book the one I got scammed on, is about that life. Conway County, Arkansas can suck my dick. May I find love one day. I found it but it's on one of the levels I talked about up above. I found a quote yesterday and I text it too him because the quote speaks on so many levels because it holds the truth. I feel that way 100% he needs to heal himself first. We have been thru the ringer together on so many levels and I hang in there like a hair in biscuit. However I understand this situation to the fullest even if he thinks I don't. I can honestly say I am in love with him and I have thousands of readers that will be reading this too. I love him so much but he needs to fix the kinks within himself because I can't fix it. I am finally in love truly in love and I hope to hell we will be together one day. I know what I have been through. I respect him enough to fix himself before I evolve with him. I have a bad habit spoiling men and I could spoil him only when he is ready. I've never been truly in love until now. I hope it works out. This kind of love is rare and I know it.

Me and my black cloud. I was getting ready for work one afternoon, I just came off a 7 day 12 hour shift work schedule. Yes, 84 hours in a week. I had 3 nights off and I work 1 night and going back in for my 2nd I was just doing 3 in a row until the weekend. I had plans to make a trip so I was working as much as I could. I'm a born hustler, I work and make shit happen in my life make sure everything is done. I've been hustling since 1990 age of 16. There are jobs out there trust me. I've been in the medical field since 1992. I left for work that afternoon, I got not even a half mile down the road. I saw this truck flying like a bat out of hell he did not stop at the stop sign. I seen it coming he had to be doing 60 he was flying across the intersection, did not stop at the stop sign, we hit and in was a hell of an impact. My car spun around so fast like I was going back home. I'm glad that were no on coming cars I would have died in an instant especially a semi. My air bags went off from one end to another. I had my seatbelt on. I remember the truck went over me (touched my hood) landed upside down by a semi. I got out of the car and I was dizzy, light headed and I fainted a guy came to my rescue he was the one that was at the opposite side of the road at the stop sign he was stopped and seen the whole wreck happen. The truck landed by his door upside down. So much was going on at that point.  Then I seen my little cousin get out of the truck then I passed out again. That time I felt something was not right the air in my body was going way. I kept saying something is not right with me I felt it, then I faded out, I felt the air leaving from my body then I all of sudden I seen the wreck from above at the intersection, I had an out of body experience, yes I did. Then I had a whisper in my ear someone told me I need to leave Arkansas because there's stuff I need to do and I know what it is. Well that scared the shit out of me needless to say. Then all of a sudden there was a jolt. The air was coming back to me. Then I looked up I seen Gina my cousin. I was teary eyed when I seen her because I couldn't explain what had happened. I was in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. I was told if I was a 30 seconds to a minute faster everyone would have died all 6 of us. My family would have buried 2 of us at the same time, to think about that makes me sad. I am thankful for the Arkansas State Police working my accident because the county would have thrown me under the bus. I am very lucky to be alive today and come out the way I did. I have shortness of breath now I get wiped out quick, I am still in pain from the trauma of the wreck. I get numb sitting down or laying, I am very concerned about that. I can't get around like I did before. I can not work a 12 right now but I'm working on getting better tho. I seen my life flash right before my eyes and I seen the wreck from above. I know what I need to do because my life was spared once again. I swear I think I am a fucking cat with 9 lives. I know when it's time for me to go. I will be in good hands because he has protected me all my life and he has seen what I have been through my quote I have tattooed on me,  "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers." I honestly believe that because I'm one strong bitch for what I have been through in life. I haven't had an easy one at all.

Tina's Thoughts Tina's Words

Relationships are hard now-a-days to be honest especially long-distance relationships really get the (shit-end) of the stick that's real talk.  When you try like a motherfucker I mean try til you drop out with exhaustion. Then you need to regroup your thoughts of the situation and see if it's worth it or not unlike like me I don't want to give up. I was fucking crazy when I was 16 to 29, bat-shit crazy to be exact. I hated myself in that time period if I could and I would kick my own ass up between my shoulders because of my STUPIDITY I sure in the hell would without a doubt. From 30 to 39,  I was in hibernation. I got out from time to time later on like 33 or 34. My assault put a spin on things. I stayed away from the dating world and I knew that was for the best I trusted my instincts. Then I started to mingle in my mid-thirties got out more. I had circumstances come up, they wanted to marry me after the first date.  Well, that drew my asshole up in a knot because I ain't got time for that. I had to shy away from those episodes. I was a no strings attached kinda woman. I did not want my kids see one man after another come in and out their lives. That will totally fuck up a kid especially girls. I did not want my daughter to be a whore. She has had one boyfriend and they will be getting married soon and they are not going to have kids until they are financially stable. Thank goodness I done something right with my children. Education, good job then kids. I hope my son does the same. When you have men coming and going out of your children's life they are bound to be mentally fucked up when they are grown.  I'm being honest. I dated on the low. Then I got 39 my kids ages were 18 and 16, I thought I would get back into the dating game. I thought I was ready to do it again. Online dating is amazing so I tried it. I was on match at one time. I got out of that very fast like because it's total bullshit. I just wanted to find someone that got me and I got them. I found it September of 2013. Now I can say I went thru hell and back for a man. I don't normally do that, I am the type to throw up my duces and say see ya biaaatch! I was a mess at one point in my life, chaos at its finest. I got my shit together some-what I did. I was looking for a new future and stability with new hopes. It's fucking harder than I expected it to be. Falling totally madly deeply in love with someone that was opposite from what I wanted.  He is the version of me in my twenties right now.  I see it very clearly. Then I have others trying to talk to me. Giving me the moon and stars in the process. Talking that good talk.  I am sitting here thinking about this one person and hoping for a change that moment he realizes I am a good catch. I have others in my ear whispering sweet nothings. I am the type that stands my ground God knows I've been thru some major hell in my life. The one I want really should to do some soul-searching that sucks major monkey balls. He should put the hoes on the DL see what he wants in his life. I have a bad habit pettin' and pampering men. It's a bad habit but I am really good at it and that is a downfall too. I work hard and I play hard needless to say. I have always lived by my motto. Get tough or die. That's why I hustle like I do. Here lately when you see distance with someone, when they USED to text back quick then it starts slipping to texting 20 minutes or an hour later and it wasn't like that in the beginning. There's someone else in the picture. I am stating the obvious because it's true.  Games are being played and I don't have time for that nonsense at all. When someone else is trying to give you the moon and stars, then you are start to get interested in that picture. The one you want is not going your direction that's when things starts to split or get lost I just hate that.  When I am put in a position that I feel worthless or POS I have to redirect myself, I know my worth. I know I'm a good woman with a good heart and soul. I've had one hell of a life straight out of hell needless to say. I think I am ready for a piece of heaven because all due in respect I deserve that much. I am not getting any younger I need peace and tranquility that is not much to ask for.  Maybe I need to stay by myself who knows. I really hope for the best with me and I am not high maintenance and I don't ask for much.  However something really needs to give with me some kind of change should come into play. I am mentally, physically and emotionally drained at the moment, I am tapped the fuck out. I need to be revived to a peaceful state of mind with someone that loves me for who I am not those hoes on social media. I go up and beyond for people. I wish someone would do the same for me for once and make me feel special.  Only one can hope for a good outcome I know I need it. Life shouldn't be so damn complicated but it is but I will keep on trying. Settling down and having coffee on a Saturday morning sounds like a plan to me.  Coffee and conversions, sex is up there but communication knocks that out the ballpark when you get older. Just being civil  to each other sounds delightful. Stability at its most awesome level. May I reach that point one day.

The Struggle

I must have done something extremely bad in my past lifetime. My life has not been pleasant at all. I've had my highs and my lows. As I look back on my 41 years I've had more lows than the highs. I've seen a crippling factor needless to say and that isn't good at all. I just wish my kids would work and drive they are 18 and 20 they really need to do this.  The world is absolutely a fucking bitch. I was driving and working at the age of 16 I just don't get this at all.  I hope they snap out of it and get their hustle on. I will pray for my children. They need to look at their mother and father make a difference in their life that's the God's honest truth not do a repeat change the cycle.

When I moved to Sherwood in 2005, I had a friend at work to introduce me to something different and I was intrigued. I researched it and started around 2006 with her guidance. I was going to church at that time and all. I knew my beliefs and where I was at in my life. I wanted to bring what she taught me and my beliefs together. She showed me the way. I live in the south and that shit doesn't fly,  hell to the no it doesn't. When she showed me how everything worked from the stones, crystal, sage and of course the candles. I knew I belonged with this belief but I wanted the Christian ways too. I'm not the church type person. I have religion in my heart and I go to church everyday in my privacy of my own home or wherever I may be.  Going to church,  it's an organized religion big-business all about the money, don't get me started. I noticed I was feeling relieved with my daily ritual. The stones, crystal, sage, candles and so much more they were making me feel better deep inside my soul. I was lost and confused most of all alone. I was alone for many many years.  I still feel that way today.  I got good at it and I was bringing in my Christian ways along with it. I felt complete. I am a loner. I don't let too many people in my private life for many reasons to name. I have been burned too many times. I want to stay away from the negative people or things as much as possible. So I found an outlet but it's not the norm in the south I know that. However I did not care, this was my life and I was going to live it the way I wanted too. When you combine Wiccan and Christian beliefs together you have a long road to hold with other people and their beliefs. That's when being a loner has its advantages.  I've had some controversial conversations and I have been to told to take my ass to Salem, Massachusetts ASAP because I belong there with that nonsense. Ignorance is bliss in the south.  I have my comfort zone and it doesn't concern anyone else but my beliefs with the universe. I am very loved on this level with my spirit guides.

However I got lost in my path about a year and half ago.  I shied away from my beliefs and put everything away for some reason. To this day I don't know why I did that.  I guess depression and my PTSD got the best of me. I got sick of everything in my life. I guess I said fuck it. I feel so bad about doing it. That was not me at all. I went on a downward spiral like no other and I am just now climbing back up. I know one thing I will never get lost again and lose hope.   Here about a week or so ago I got out my stuff and bought new too. I have felt so much better. Wiccan is a wonderful thing to have in my life and not leaving behind parts of the Christian way too.  Here lately I have felt heartbreak and bullying around last November that was over an opinion too and I still don't get that at all but I took up for myself and no one took up for me however I told myself if I can push and pull my way out of Conway County, Arkansas I can get thru anything. I went thru straight up hell with those folks. I don't know why my life is so damn difficult when I stay off to myself but I manage and whatever comes my way I will deal with it. I know I would love to find stability and love. Stability I can see that happening, love I just don't know.  Maybe I'm meant to be alone who knows. I know I am loyal and faithful but it has to be a 100/100 not 90/10. I don't know we will see.  Most men are in awe over other women not their mates and that shit doesn't fly with me. I rather live alone. Get in my happy place with my stones, crystal, sage, candles well all my goodies needless to say. I do hope for love but it has to be on the same level though. I will never go chasing for it. A man will be extremely lucky to be with me however I have to be cautious if he is entertaining someone else he doesn't need to waste my time. I am in love with someone and I hope also pray that we will be connected in the near future my life would be complete if that happened, we shall see. I am glad that I'm getting back to myself and I will stay that way until I die. Now only if Outskirts Press get what they deserve for scamming authors the world would be beautiful. I am praying for that karma.

I am done stick a fork in me!

Here while back I had a run in with an Arkansas state trooper (January 2015). He followed me from Conway to my house then parked in front of my house.  I took a picture and turned his ass in to one of the baddest fucking cops in Arkansas needless to say. I am a law abiding citizen. I do not break the rules I know better.  I wonder if he thought of my PTSD that I have because of the Conway County cops. They put me through hell for many years until I got ran out of the county then I had to move back. I am dealing with too much shit to deal with a fucking cop like that. That asshole can suck my fucking dick.  He does this shit to me one more time I might just fuck him in the ass. I get sick of this crap so bad.  I can't wait to move. I need to breathe not choke. I just need to live somewhere so I can be happy again.

Outskirts Press can kiss my ass with their lies and deceit. I loathe that company and their scamming ways. May they rot in hell.

Love, boy that is a very touchy subject for me. You give it your all and get (I don't have a word to describe what I am feeling right now) anyways have it thrown in your face. I was single for many many many years. I did not want to date and have my kids see one man after another come and go in their lives. I protected them from that and waited til they were grown and then search for love again.  I gave it up for my kids because I know what that is like and it doesn't feel too good. I knew what I was doing and I don't regret it. I thought I found love and fell hard very hard and crashed and burn, that hurt me like no other.  You can't make anyone love you and I don't even try.  I thought after many years of being single I wouldn't get burned boy, I was wrong. No matter what lengths you go and burdens you carry because you want it to work out shit can go south one person can't carry all the weight.  I always find the ones that are still gugu-gaga over the ex. No matter what, ex is an ex for a reason. If they got back together it wouldn't work because of the past relationships. In each other's minds they will compare themselves to the ones they were living with during the break-up. It will run them nuts and the trust would not be there 100%. Been there done that it's a lost cause move on to something better.  Love really sucks and I need to protect myself from it like I did before. Even if my kids are grown still use that excuse. lol they say let it go if it comes back it is meant to be if not it wasn't.  I heard enough of that here lately, said no one ever. Love hurts and hurting well I endure enough of that in my life at the moment. I need some kind of relief. I just wish I had trust, loyalty and respect kind of relationship a power couple relationship when we got each other's backs and grow together. I will pray about it and hope for the best. However this one man has got me fucked up to be honest and I still love him so that is that. He is my soul mate but we have to be on the same level. My heart aches over this, I have never experienced this before not in this lifetime I haven't. Totally in love with him.

My future bankruptcy which I believe that is a good choice for me at the moment and I need that reset button in life, God knows I do. I will come back on top in no time. I am throwing in all my debt after the credit is ran. I will get the right lawyer cuz my SL will be a challenge but I will throw that in too I betcha. I got to trust my gut intuition. After my 2nd ex husband I should not want a relationship EVER I should be cured from that shit for the rest of my life. I hope karma lays him and the wife's ass out one day. She's just as disgusting as he is. Pure white trash that are living high on the hog and screwing the system over like a motherfucker. People like that get a good life people like me that obey the law gets fucked in the ass on a daily basis.  Maybe I should turn evil as fuck and see if I have a better outcome in life.  I am done stick a fork in me.

I need 2 fuckitols (extra strength) please and thank you

I need 2 fuckitols about 1000 mg each in strength. That should do me justice in the shit hole that I'm in right now.  I came to terms with my current situation after talking to a couple people here while back.  I really needed their advice because this is my 2nd time in this rodeo ring to be honest.  I am going the bankruptcy way I don't see any other way around it.  It is what it is and I will have to do what I have to do to save my insanity from this ongoing bullshit that needs to END.  You know when your asshole draws up in knot when you check on your check status and hoping, praying really hard, it's not garnished.  I put in the hours at work let me tell you,  I hustle like a motherfucker and to see my check ripped all to hell I think not.  I bucked the system against my ex-husband for as long as I could.  I have already paid 8 grand in 4 years and another 8 grand will seal the deal.  I think a little more will be added this year.  I look back, all the vacations and the high living and high spending, I guess when you don't pay taxes nor child support (His 1st baby mama needs prayers too) I guess you can live high on the hog.  However someone sat me down and talked to me about their situation in Greenbrier and I found it quite interesting needless to say. Well when karma comes after them it will be bad and I will do me a happy dance for sure after all the hell I have been through.  If I done something like that I would be in the penitentiary with the quickness and they would throw away the key and look straight at me and say, "fuck you bitch, you're gonna rot in here I betcha." I was dealt a bad hand in life and I know how it all goes down with me. So I am doing this blog because I don't give a fuck how well you are known on the Internet I have a quarter of a million followers. I am growing by the day.  I am a real person that works like a dog and I am not making tons of money.  However Outskirts Press is making tons of money off me and I am not getting one dime maybe 40-50 dollars every 3 months.  True Story.  Oh the shit that I endure on a daily basis.  If this is your first time to read my blog and this is your first entry please read the rest, 5 years worth that I have written. Getting screwed over at its finest but I keep on ticking and take my licking go on like a boss that's how a hustler rolls. I have had people to tell me over the years that it will be like a rise of the Phoenix type situation.  I always beg the differ because I didn't see it that way. I see it now with a bankruptcy taking place. I will not let that get me down. It will be like a reset button for me and I will throw my student loans in there too because I can prove hardship.  I am queen of hardship and the dumping ground for the dirty little bastards that I have dealt with over the years.  I will not let this weaken me I will see this as strength and now I see it as a rise of the Phoenix story. No matter how big you are on the Internet that person might be knee deep in shit and drowning like a motherfucker, always remember that we don't know the whole story about a person, we can't be a judging them either all due in respect we are not God. I believe that everyone lives in hell. It is up to us how we deal with it that is real talk. Mine is coming to a stopping point. Get me a good lawyer in Little Rock and set this shit straight for once in my life. I still have a good heart after all I have been through that there is a blessing in disguise. I am thankful for it too.

2015 A Win or A Loss

I tell you right now, Outskirts Press has put me into depression and among other things too. I put my heart and soul into a book write it and get scammed like I did is heart-breaking and it almost made me say fuck it with my other books that I want to publish. I am almost done with the my 2nd book. Depression kicked my ass and I put it aside for a long time. I just got it back out and I knocked another big-dent in it. I need to get that part to my editor she has been after me because she said this is the best book yet. I have a talent and I need to finish it. I think I will pull my book from Outskirts Press since they locked me out of my account and took my book down for awhile without letting me know they were doing it. I know in my heart they destroyed some of my records. Then they opened my account and put my book back up (why did they close it to begin with). They got rid of something, I feel it. I hope and pray really hard that karma strikes upon them and tear up Jack on their ass. I would never recommend this company to anyone. When I get on the Dr. Phil show. I will let them have it I betcha. I will pull the book and I will have 3 books to publish, I will publish them at the same time. The Wolverton Mountain woman consists of 3 books. So in January of 2016 I should be able to pursue that and I will hope that I don't get scammed again, I will pray about it. Writing about my life and getting screwed over. Then write a book and get screwed over by the publishing company. I am tired of getting screwed over to be honest. Outskirts Press really fucked me up for sure.

I really need a good year, last year was somewhat a good year. I got a NEW car 2005 was the last time I got a new car, getting some of my shit back together and I found love and I lost love and I am hoping for a return with that because that kind of love is rare. I still need to get my shit together tho, I am almost there. Some kind of good karma is what I need seriously I do need good Karma. I work my ass off all the time and it seems like I can't get ahead for the life of me. I am tired of being stuck in this type of abyss or depression, I am really sick of it. Outskirts Press done more to me than I thought, I went into deep depression over this, that scam was devastating. I have been told when I make the Dr. Phil show it will be a show to remember because of all the bullshit you have dealt with and I have dealt with a lot. You are going to have one hell of a meltdown and I will feel oh so better afterwards when I talk to a professional. I need to talk to a professional like Dr. Phil it's going to take that kind of professional to push through this mess. I sure do hope for some kind of relief and new turn around in my life all due in respect I deserve it.

Zero Fucks Given Blog

Fuck the Police

Don't get me wrong there are some good police out there, slim to few. I have cops in my family but the cops in this county are corrupted to the core 90% of them ONLY 10% are good. I thought I would do this blog since the cops are in 'hot water' at the moment in time. I wonder if the 'bad cops' ever think about the emotional and psychological damage when they fuck with the law abiding citizen. I will not get into my whole situation cause it's all in my past blogs (you can read back). What I am talking about P.T.S.D. that shit is real and I deal with it from time to time. I am either on an emotional streak for a few days or I am on a mean streak because of my anger issues I deal with and it makes me want to play Kill' Em All, by Metallica just go to town. The emotional state is hard because all you want to do is cry, cry like a little bitch. Cry for days cause you hurt that bad inside. I hate when I am dealing with the anger part. I would rather cry like a little bitch to be honest. When my anger issues rises, the thoughts in my head at the moment are scary. I would go after the ones that caused me grief that would be the ONLY ones, I promise that much. The innocent shouldn't get caught up in the cross-fire, I don't believe in that shit. I can honestly say that I can keep my P.T.S.D. under control though. Man alive the police can really fuck up a life and the ones that I have dealt with in the past really can kiss my ass or suck my dick to be straight up about it. I have always stated, the police should protect and serve NOT torment and scare the shit out of people that is real talk. I have NOT been bashful over my blogs. P.T.S.D. is real and alive and it's scary to have at times. I don't regret writing my book. Chapters 1-46 I went through that shit and torment. 47-54, heaven forbid that I land in court so that is the fictional part of it. When people talk about the police and the damage they have caused them, I totally understand what they are talking about. Something needs to give that is fore sure. They need to make a place or clinic where we all can go because of the police and deal with P.T.S.D. that brought upon us that is nothing but the facts.


Fuck Outskirts Press

That is how I feel about Outskirts Press, I had so many people come to me on social media over this and they told me that I got scammed big-time over my publishing in the worst way they have ever seen. They were proud of me for coming forward with my story because this will save someone from heartache and pain in the future. I told them that is why I done it. Quarter of a million followers, $400.00 give me a freaking break. I am NOT the ONLY one they are scamming there are plenty more getting scammed too. I just have bigger balls than most and do a blog in all due in respect I really don't give a fuck what they think about it either. If I could throat-punch that bastard of a CEO I would in a heartbeat, embezzling motherfucker. People are putting in hard earn time in writing and also at work to pay for it and for this to happen. I had a figure in my head, you can't get rich off a book unless you have some awesome exposure that's the truth. I know I earned more than fucking $400.00. I guess they thought I am from the south and I did not know my ass from a hole in the ground. I guess they thought I was uneducated too straight up stupid from Arkansas. Those motherfuckers should have done some research on me before scamming my ass. My Klout is a lot more and stronger than what they have. Cocksucker motherfuckers, I hope they get investigated. I had a friend come to me and told me what happened to her and she went with Author House and she got a check over 20 grand when it was said and done. She told me that she just made a few hundred from them until they got investigated. She hopes and prays that something like that happens to me. Your interactions on all your websites are constantly jumping a lot of people draws into you. She is on everything I have so she should know, I guess. There's you another emotional and  psychological outburst from hell because a company that are scamming people. I hope I don't go off the deep in soon. I had a lot of people tell me I need to get my ass on Dr. Phil ASAP! I know that takes time and I will get there. I am confident about that. Fuck you, Outskirts Press may you rot in hell!