Mental Abuse and Physical Abuse

Those are some touchy subjects. I have encountered both to be exact. I know all about it. Both can cause deep pain a lot worse than a scar that you can see with the eye. The pain grows deep down inside and sometimes it just stays there festering waiting to pop.

Mental abuse is so raw and sharp and straight the point of a spontaneous combustion waiting to happen when you least expect it. The torturing of the mind by a bully, bullies are the ones that cause the most pain when it comes to mental abuse. I remember my dad as I was growing up and how he treated my mom and my step mom. It was so wrong on so many levels.  I just got used to it and thought it was normal to act that way. He was so rude with me too. However I grew up in that environment and that it was the norm. Oh how I was wrong. But it took to me 37 years to wake up and smell the motherfucking coffee. It was December 7^th 2011 to be exact and I walked away and never have looked back and stood my ground with all the non-sense bullshit he swung my way. I don’t have time for it. I have been educating myself and opening my eyes with mental abuse and I have learned a lot.

Physical abuse I have encountered that with my relationships. I have seen physical abuse as I was growing up too. However if you say something about it people now will lie their way out of it like it did not happen. I always ignored it back then now I think how stupid people really were covering that shit up. I have had my fair share. I remember with my 2^nd marriage my ex-husband beat me one afternoon. My leg till this day has a dent in it. When I got picked up and thrown at the corner of the closet. I thought to myself, I was not going to put up with this shit. I went to dad’s and he took pictures and went to mom’s she took pictures then I bought a throw away and I had pictures taken. That was the end of that and he never hit me again until the night of our divorce. However karma will zap his ass soon and I will laugh my ass off long time coming. 

Mental and physical abuse is sore subjects to many people in the world. It’s how you deal with it and I am dealing with mine through writing.As I write I understand myself more I don’t hate myself like I used to. I am starting to love myself and that is amazing because I am a damaged person. I am working to be better and help other people out in the process. I understand the way I am. I understand the relationships with men I chose. I know what is right and what is wrong. I know how I was raised is not normal at all. It was fucked up and the bad outweighed the good and I see that clearly in my 2^nd book. Writing has been and eye opener and a blessing all rolled up into one. It’s indescribable to be honest about it I don’t know how to explain it. I will continue to write until the day I die.

A lot of people that I know don’t understand why I am writing these books and there are some that I know totally understand why I am writing. I just have enough balls and guts to write it down and get it out there. I am a type of person that really doesn’t give a fuck what people think of me. I did not choose to write, writing chose me through the help of God. Writing is therapy and understanding oneself is a brilliant idea.  I can’t wait to get published and I can’t wait to get out of Arkansas. I am nothing but miserable here. One day I will pack my bags and walk away I will never look back and question my decision to leave this state. I have had enough of the bullshit from the cops, informants and my dad. It’s that simple. I am done stick a fork in me and I can’t wait to get published and get my life back in order. I deserve that much needless to say.

DILLIGAF

I have been through so much that when I feel some bullshit creeping up on me I will know it. Here lately I felt some strange vibes from the law enforcement of all people. I wasn't sure what was going on. I wanted to state something about the Arkansas State Police. I have never had any kind of problems with them. That is the God’s honest truth. However I know how this county operates and I figure it’s a deeper matter in that configuration of corruption. I pay attention to my surroundings like a hawk in the sky that’s no lie.

The State Trooper, I hate when you see a cop and they act like they are going to pull over turn around and come after you. My rear-view mirror is my main BFF. This has happened several times but the last time I went off. I took it to my Twitter account. I love my account. That 140 character keeps me sane and not in jail. I sent off my tweets like it was nothing. I was thinking to myself, I have never had beef with them they actually have helped me out. I was getting more pissed off and I was like the State Police doesn't want to be in this remix because I am not bashful for throwing them in the fire-ring. IDGAF that is truth! I have been through so much shit.

Then I started to ponder my thoughts and go back in time to figure out when this had all started. I kept on pondering then I figure it out after my daughter’s graduation. I did have someone mention to me about it. However I have already figured it out. Man alive, I have left this person alone for a while now. I have kids and I have to be respectful and deliver obedience regardless of the situation in hand.  I am not stupid by any means! What I have done was get rid of the negative in my life and stayed with the positive aspects of life. I feel so much better by doing so and I feel I can live again. I can’t wait for my second book to get to the editor and get it published. I am not going to be the nice one at all about that book. Throwing the cops on me like a scare tactic is low as one goes. He is now on the level of my second ex-husband and my ex brother-in-law. They were good about doing that to me. Every dog has its day and I hope I live to see that domino effect. But once I took it on the net it stopped so quick it made my head spin a little. I know some that are high up in law enforcement. They do have my back that is a guarantee fact.

 For nearly 10 years I have been laying on the floor in a choke hold of slander, stalking and bullying. Then you add the scare tactics along the way because I did not play like they did. As I write these books I have  started to get up from that spot that I have been in for many years. I see everything on a different level. The chaos and the control are disappearing. I am smiling again and I am overcoming a lot of obstacles in life.  I am rising out of that spot it’s almost like the phoenix. Once I get these 4 books completed then I will no longer be lying in that spot of doom and darkness. In my 40’s I will be living again. It’s about damn time. From sixteen to twenty nine it was sex drugs and rock & roll. In my thirties I was isolated because I did not obey the system. In my forties I will be living and breathing like a normal person. People don’t take my intelligence seriously but that is okay. Like the phrase goes, “What goes around comes back around.” Boom!

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 

That is a (big) word to comprehend. However I understand it totally. I have done extensive research on the subject because I relate to it so much. I have not been the one to take meds. It takes an act of congress to take some Tylenol for a headache. Back in 2004 may be close to 2005 I took Zoloft and I hated it. If a bomb dropped in front of me. I would have thought it was a beautiful sight to see. I quit taking them; I have no plans of becoming a zombie any time soon. Those medications are for the fucking birds. I just dealt with my problems and how I survived that era in time is beyond me. I knew God was carrying me through this but I would not open my eyes to it pure honesty right there. The way I see it, God is good all day and every day. When he came to me and opened my eyes up about writing these books to heal me and help others out as well. I knew he loved me and I felt comfort for the first time in my life as I started to write these books. I am glad I did. I love him and he loves me nothing else matters. So that is that.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 

People that knew me and the ones I had problems with didn't know how close they come just to be a distant memory in their loved ones eyes. I was about to break. September 2010, I had enough, I was about to snap. I wanted to be left alone. I was tired of my 2^nd husband and his stupid ass brother sending people to my house or anywhere, inviting me to different functions. Like I would go I don't think so. Yep, 3 hots and a cot plus a dose of lethal injection were in my future. That’s real talk. They better be thanking their lucky stars that they are living today. So I thought I would do a testimonial on the internet and see where it would lead me. I am glad that I did. September of this year of 2013 will be 3 years. It will not be long I will have my 1^st book online and my 2^nd book to follow then the 3^rd. Writing has been a blessing to me. I have grown into such a better person and my chip on my shoulder is slowly going away. God is good, enough said.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 

It didn't affect me just the last 9 years of my life it has affected me my whole life. I just did not realize it until I sat down and started to write about it. I started to get everything off my chest and put everything in perspective to analyze what I have dealt with over the years. It is shear amazement how writing will open you up and make you see things on a different level. I hate Arkansas, ‘ignorance is bliss’ that is putting it mildly. My 2^nd book opened my eyes so much and I can’t wait to talk about it.

I have written people off in my life, they carry poison and make me miserable they can’t be around me. I tried to get help in Arkansas; I couldn't now the FBI is begging for people to step up. I have been dealing with dirty ass cops and informants since 2004, punk-ass bastards. I don’t feel sorry for what I have said on here either. I ain't sugar-coating shit, nobody got time for that. I am going to keep doing what I am doing and I will eventually have all 4 books online. Then I will start on my novellas, I will start with JB. Yeah, the one that got killed at the Supercenter parking lot, I refuse to hear the word, ‘horse playing’ hell to the NO! I done a blog on that as I recall! IDGAF about the money, the books that hold near and dear to my heart, the family will get 50% of what I make. I know I have done 4 blogs of the ones that stood out to me. There will be a list of names that I want for a charity type thing I will have to research it more to get what I need to make it happen. It will happen. I am for these families and I hope they see justice.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 

I have faced this a different way. No, I don’t drink like a fish. I might drink half a dozen times a year no more than 12 out of 365 days to be exact that’s a good number I am NOT a drunk. I like to cut up from time to time, hell, who don’t. I fucking can’t stand drugs except pot. I wish marijuana was legal. I could roll through these books like a boss smoking straight from a bong while I type. Maybe one day it will be legal in all 50 states, it’s getting there. My only problem is I just have zero tolerance to bullshit that’s all. I am not gonna put up with not a motherfucking thing. I don’t give a damn who you are, cops, informants my dad IDGAF. Man, alive I am so surprised that I haven’t snapped. It’s a blessing in disguise. It would have been a blood bath if I had. I believe that God knew I was at my breaking point; he came to my rescue with my books. I love him for that and I can’t wait to get published. I can become a published author however I can’t get my college degree. Like someone told me, I will be free and clear of debt and I will get my college degree once I get these books selling because God is that good and he will carry you through this storm and bring you into a better life. Tina, you got to have faith. I love my friend to death she rocks! I hope she is right, I need a motherfucking break, I really do. I am hoping for one.

Ode to the Question

I was asked this question twice needless to say; I avoided it the first time but the second time from another person. I ponder my thoughts and told him directly what I thought about that question. I was asked, ‘Are you afraid of someone coming in your house because it can be easily done, what if they messed with your laptop because I work a lot and I am gone sometimes?’ I was asked this before by woman now a man. This is how I responded to the question; I did not avoid it this time.

First and foremost, I have my laptop locked on my side of it I do. I looked at this person right into the eyes without hesitation. I told him, I know where you are going, it’s about my manuscript. I know there are nosy ass motherfuckers all away around me. Yeah, it’s been in the back of my mind. I went through all kinds emotions while I was writing my first book, I had to withdraw myself. I mean it tore me down to the ground and I had to build myself back up. If someone fucked with my manuscript caused me problems with my publishing’s, you really want to know what I would do. I got closer to his eyes and I could see he was getting scared. This is what I would do.

I looked out the window; I would get in my white car and drive to the Federal Bureau of Investigation the FBI building. That startle him, nope, I am not fucked up about it. I would walk up the steps and I would open that door like I owned that motherfucker. I could see it in his eyes then he knew I was serious. I would ask where I can make some statements. Where is a pen and paper, I will need a lot of paper, you know? Knowing if my manuscript being messed with, I would be pushed to my limit I would snap and I know I could put some motherfuckers under the jail. I have been in a choke hold for so long and if that was done to me so be it. The way I see it, the book is based on a fiction novel, names has been changed. Now when I go the FBI building the real names will come to life. IDGAF anymore! As I write these books I see things so clearly and can’t believe what I have been through and what I have put up with all my fucking life. As I recall, my face has been on the floor in a choke hold in a pile a shit for a looooooong time now. Push my buttons I will cause the domino effect! Then he left without a goodbye, WTF, really. Oh well!

I was watching the news the other day and the FBI of Arkansas wants people to step up and make a stance. I was looking at the news and they are begging for people to step up. It kind of mad me mad at first. I started my crusade September of 2010. I think that I need to get my 4 books published and let me get on Dr Phil and let it play out when it should play out. That would be the wisest choice to do. All of this bullshit that I have to deal with has made me a strong motherfucker.  I had no other choice. My father, well, he can kiss my ass! That’s real talk. I am a good person with a good heart and soul that right there would turn me into a bitch and there would be NO turning back for this OLE girl. I can’t wait to step in front of a camera because I am full and ready to talk about this. 

I LOVE Writing

I love writing, I swear I do. My daughter graduated from high-school. I was really amazed how good I was and how I acted because I am NOT on meds.  Meds are a cop-out there are ways that people can deal with life problems that’s real-talk. One doesn’t have to rely on drugs or alcohol in all due in respect your problems are going to still be there when you come off that stuff. I was nice to people that I had problems with at one point in time or another. I was even nice to my dad. I was told to be civil and I was. I know one day I will have to look at him in a coffin if he doesn’t get cremated. I totally understand that. At this point in my life, I am proud of myself. Man, I had so much hate in my heart. I know it had to be my writing for me to get over many situations I have. When I done my 1^st book, I wrote about it and I put it in a story form. I got over the hump that I needed to get over. I forgave but I will never forget. Since I am doing my 2^nd book, I am analyzing my situation with my dad and I am getting over that too. I think December of 2011, I snapped, I had enough of the mental abuse, I just walked away I couldn’t handle it anymore. He knew what he was doing and he doesn’t need to play dumb with me, I am so over that. I really don’t know if I will get emotional whenever he dies to be honest. I have so many mental scars over him and I have so mental scars from this county that I live in. They ran me into the ground full force. I think when I had my mental breakdown. I began to go into deep writing and released the demons that were bogging me down. My problems began like the matrix; I was putting the pieces together and understanding it all. I never thought that I could do this and I am simply proud of myself. I had a hard life, I don’t have the resources like normal people would and get a shrink. I had to be a shrink and teach myself. I was in a hole and I am still there but I am slowly come out of it. Most would have turned to drugs and alcohol. I chose to deal with it. I learned a lot about writing in 1993, when I had to sit through a few anger management classes that my uncle made me do. I told him 3 times that’s all and I wanted my name nowhere. Sometimes I think about that time and I should have gone through all the classes and had my name down. In 1993, I was a stupid little girl. I would recommend writing, I chose to publish mine other people don’t have too. Just writing things down, you get a better perspective in life and that is the God’s honest truth. I am glad that I am becoming a better person. I really am.

The TRUTH Hurts

The truth hurts sometimes. I think that's why I am so proud of myself about these books that I am doing. See I have been in a sewer all my life, I have been up to my neck in shit my whole life basically. I am seeing that while I write my 2^nd book. I am seeing things on a whole new level and I am amazed of what I am seeing on a logical perspective. Slowly but surely as I write the shit is rolling off. I am realizing a lot of stuff that I would not have recognize it if it was not for my writing. Writing opens your eyes to so many things. I am so glad that I did this and I really don’t care what these people think of me either. They can absolutely kiss my fucking ass at this point. It’s nice to have the shit roll off because I have started to live my life and I am 39, how sad and pathetic is that? It is what it is, living my life and telling it like it is. I would not have it any other way. Support or no support, fuck it, I will get through it. One way or another!

I have had my 1^st book done since February 21^st 2013. I was about to get burn with the 1^st publishing company. To be truthful, I don’t know what I am doing when it comes to publishing. I wrote a book that I thought I could never do in the first place. I just don’t need to get burned by money hungry motherfuckers. Then I had to research a new self-publishing company and I feel good about this one and I hope it works out. I am in the process right now of getting my book online it will take time. I have put this in God’s hands and he has placed me with them with hope and faith it will carry me through. I just don’t want to get burned this is a story about my life and it took courage to do and I done it. I am really proud of myself and I think that I done the ending great because this is an ongoing situation. I kept grounded on a fictional basis towards the end of the book. I have to remind myself of legal matters as well. I had several people to read it and they loved it and I should not have any problems selling it. Stalking, slandering and bullying are very much alive these days and this is a good time to launch a book about it. I did live through hell and I am getting through it as best as I can. They told me those particular subjects all over the news all the time. When you get on Dr Phil it will be on then. I have always had a good feeling about these books and I am not doing wrong by publishing them. If someone has a problem with them, they don’t want to hear the truth and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, just saying.

My 2^nd book I am proud of that one, I was told I have a best seller on my hands. I hope that dad reads it and understands. I don’t feel sorry for walking away from that situation either. I could stand in a circle and look around me and I have no regrets what-so-ever because my writing is building me into a better person not a bitter person. I had a chip on my shoulder all my life and its slowly coming off and it feels so good too. If I died, after all my books are published I would know one thing I will be in a better place and having God to have my back feels great.  That’s real talk. 

Is the 3rd time a CHARM? My Facebook!

Here is my personal Facebook:



https://www.facebook.com/itinagraves




Here is my Like Page:




https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tina-Graves/132151743601376?ref=hl




Ok, I still have my 1st Facebook, I check in about every 6 months or so. I got off of Facebook because of the damn DRAMA. It was indescribable and ridiculous.  My 2nd Facebook I got hacked on December 24th 2011. I can not get into that one at all. I said 'Fuck It" for almost a year I had no Facebook because that pissed me off. November 10th 2012,  thought that I would jump back on and give it a whirl.

My friend at work set it up for me in a circle of writers and authors and let me tell you something right now. It has taken off, I am very impressed with it. The Timelines on both pages, rock my world. My hopes were not the best in the beginning. She told me to give it a few months if I did not like it, delete both accounts and be done with it never get back on Facebook again. So far so good. She done a good job and I would never ever have thought about building my pages like she did. I have learned a lot from her and still learning. She knows Social Media. She told me about Twiends for Twitter. She rocks and she also stated that my books will go through the Social Media circle like wildfire and I will not have any problems selling them once I get published. I will say bye-bye to the medical field. Hello to a whole new world, she says, if anyone deserves it, it is you Tina. I have seen you struggle and she does not know how I have made it this far. She is established on the web as well and she will help me. I know that, I just love her. I just wished I had her around January 24th 2010 when I started Twitter. Oh my, I would be in the big-time like her. She has a pen name and she is low key because she is an RN. She is also getting out the medical field too. 20 years for me and 25 for her. She has already told me what to do when I get published. When I have a little bit more money to maneuver around on the web, I can go 'bigger' in the Social Media world in no time flat. I am getting very well established now, it took almost 3 years to do it but I am getting there. She is amazing, a true friend. She wants the best for me and I want the best for her too.

I have yet to add my family I won't. Once I get published, I will add my kids and my brothers. I can't forget my 2 sister-in-laws. Oh my niece and nephews. I have NOT dealt with any drama this time around and now I know where it came from that is a good thing to know. The rest can add me if they want too. I will not search and hunt for anyone. I will not turn them down, that is fore sure. My books are brutal and straight to the point. Most don't want to hear the truth at all. This is my life, my writings and if someone that I know has a problem with it. Don't read my books and stay the hell away from me, it's that simple.

No Support System for this Ole Girl!

Yep, I can say that all at once and mean it. The support system is slim to none here with my book. When I started this journey back in June of 2012 I knew it would be that way. I live in the South and this is where the quote, “Ignorance is Bliss.” Comes in, I knew it was going to be very difficult to do. Most people are the shhhhhh, let’s not talk about it or it’s in your head kind of people. I am like what the fuck ever, I am going to write this book and I don’t care what obstacles come my way. I am writing this book in a fictional form, if they have a problem with it they can kiss my ass. I know in my heart and how I feel this is the right thing to do. I have felt like this from the beginning. If it wasn't for a couple of my friends to talk me into writing this book, I would still be in the same old funky mood and putting up with the same ole bullshit. I am glad that I wrote this book and I am glad that I don’t have that support like I should. I know that doesn't make sense but it makes sense to me because it makes me value my writing more. Now I have some friends at work told me they would pay for my publishing fees because they want the book online and for people to read. They told me I have a story to tell and it will take me to places that I would never dream of going. The book says a lot. They also stated the Dr Phil show will be a plus for me more ways than one. However, I turned them down; they told me they are still there for me if I needed that extra boost. I am very thankful for friends like that, seriously. Those kinds of people are hard to come by. I want to do this on my own though. My first book was my stepping stone for writing. My second book is off the charts and I am glad I am doing it. This time I am writing it down and then typing it out. I am really fortunate to still have my laptop because there were about half dozen times I wanted to break my laptop into pieces because I got mad, going back in time will do that to a person. I got closure with my first book and now I am getting closure with my second book. I thought that would never happen. It’s about my father and my childhood. I know that I will never have a relationship with him again but I will have closure that counts and I hope he understands. I don’t know if he will read it or not but writing the  book is doing me good because I am seeing this in a 39 year old woman’s perspective. I needed that. I have 4 books lined out on my part of the self-healing writing. Then I will start a series of novellas of different people in this county but in a fictional kind of way though. Someone suggested that to me and I ponder my thoughts and it’s not a bad idea at all. I would love to do that in near future. I am taking this one day at a time and I will get my book online. 

God Loves His Bad Children Too

What I am getting at is that, ‘God does NOT judge people.’ Yeah, I am very opinionated person and I take up for myself on the highest level. Who else is going to do it? Nobody but me! I suppose all the stuff I have been through all my life and especially the last 9 years. I did not have any intentions of backing down from that matter. Writing my book about it changed my life and changed my way of thinking and I cannot wait to publish it. Talking about an upcoming life change according to my editor she loved that book and she was happy to help me out. I appreciate it dearly.

Yeah, I cuss and I love women like I do men. I am not going to be damned to hell because how I live and state things. I am being real. Why be fake? Go to church and live a life of pretending. Yeah, my life sucks at the moment. However I am very thankful for the people in my life and the things I have. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God because of him I am keeping my sanity intact. The person that lives in the fake world of pretending will eventually meet their Karma one day and lose everything. That’s how it goes. Speaking of losing stuff I lost more than my share in this lifetime. I was put in this situation for a reason, I believe that now as I wrote a book about it.

I have no desire to change because I am as good as it gets. I hope one day I can get my college degree. I will be the ONLY grandchild to do so. I don’t have that much longer to get it either. The battle that I have been battling over the years will come to a close soon. When I publish my book! All the stuff I lost along the way I will be able to retrieve most of it however I will not be able to retrieve some of the years that I have lost but I will be able to make the upcoming days better for my children and that’s a promise I can make and keep.

I will keep doing what I am doing and I don’t give a fuck what-so-ever. Either you love me or hate me there will never ever be no in between when it comes to me. I don’t believe riding the fence.

It Is What It Is

What I call this is pure ‘fuckery’ I just  love that word. It brightens my day when I hear it. However, I had to mention, that everything was calm around me going smoothly. I should have known that these people ‘tweak’ on my sites like no other assholes in this world. On March 6 2013, I was leaving for work and I looked at my door handle it was bent so far out and I pulled on it and made it worse. I had a friend across the road he came over and fixed it. I just needed to get another handle that's all. I guess someone was trying to break into my car. I had two days off from work (my door was okay, when I locked it) then I was leaving out for work. I walked into a mess. I needed to get down the road and get to my job. I was so mad, I should have taken a picture but I didn't  I was in a rush. I was not thinking. I got it working again then left.  I have nothing in my car that anyone would want. That just did not make any sense at all. This is the Ass End of the World, Arkansas.  Anything can happen.  :/ I refuse to go to the police. I will NOT do that, waste of time needless to say. I am not going to lie I was mad about it but I soon got over it.

Then 4 days later, I got the strangest text ever, it was a voice text. I was like WTF, is going on now. I was on my way to work, again. I looked at the number and it looked familiar. I was like I don’t know about this then I ignored it. Then I was working in the ICU that night. I looked at my phone and I had another text. A new ‘Snapped’ is on. Then I was like freaking out now. My friend mention to me, did you not mention on a blog about Snapped. I was thinking to myself. Yeah, I sure did. Now I understand, crack-heads will be crack-heads. My friend told me to do a screen shot and I did. In a few days I put it on Instagram.  Because IDGAF, I have been through so much hell. I just don’t care anymore. I asked who it was and I did not get a reply back. I thought that was odd.

On the note, I am going to be so glad to publish my book. I hit a road block because the company I was going to use is under investigation. I talked to them on the phone they fumbled every sentence when I asked a question. I did find another company and I will be dealing with them very soon. Everything happens for a reason, a slight delay with my book is okay. I will get there no ands if or buts about it. In the mean time I will keep blogging and tweeting. I will continue to market my story. One day soon, very soon, it will PAY off for me. I will make sure I take a picture with my middle finger straight into the air and do a lovely blog just for them. DILLIGAF? Nope! This is only making me stronger and wiser just saying