Ode to the Question

I was asked this question twice needless to say; I avoided it the first time but the second time from another person. I ponder my thoughts and told him directly what I thought about that question. I was asked, ‘Are you afraid of someone coming in your house because it can be easily done, what if they messed with your laptop because I work a lot and I am gone sometimes?’ I was asked this before by woman now a man. This is how I responded to the question; I did not avoid it this time.

First and foremost, I have my laptop locked on my side of it I do. I looked at this person right into the eyes without hesitation. I told him, I know where you are going, it’s about my manuscript. I know there are nosy ass motherfuckers all away around me. Yeah, it’s been in the back of my mind. I went through all kinds emotions while I was writing my first book, I had to withdraw myself. I mean it tore me down to the ground and I had to build myself back up. If someone fucked with my manuscript caused me problems with my publishing’s, you really want to know what I would do. I got closer to his eyes and I could see he was getting scared. This is what I would do.

I looked out the window; I would get in my white car and drive to the Federal Bureau of Investigation the FBI building. That startle him, nope, I am not fucked up about it. I would walk up the steps and I would open that door like I owned that motherfucker. I could see it in his eyes then he knew I was serious. I would ask where I can make some statements. Where is a pen and paper, I will need a lot of paper, you know? Knowing if my manuscript being messed with, I would be pushed to my limit I would snap and I know I could put some motherfuckers under the jail. I have been in a choke hold for so long and if that was done to me so be it. The way I see it, the book is based on a fiction novel, names has been changed. Now when I go the FBI building the real names will come to life. IDGAF anymore! As I write these books I see things so clearly and can’t believe what I have been through and what I have put up with all my fucking life. As I recall, my face has been on the floor in a choke hold in a pile a shit for a looooooong time now. Push my buttons I will cause the domino effect! Then he left without a goodbye, WTF, really. Oh well!

I was watching the news the other day and the FBI of Arkansas wants people to step up and make a stance. I was looking at the news and they are begging for people to step up. It kind of mad me mad at first. I started my crusade September of 2010. I think that I need to get my 4 books published and let me get on Dr Phil and let it play out when it should play out. That would be the wisest choice to do. All of this bullshit that I have to deal with has made me a strong motherfucker.  I had no other choice. My father, well, he can kiss my ass! That’s real talk. I am a good person with a good heart and soul that right there would turn me into a bitch and there would be NO turning back for this OLE girl. I can’t wait to step in front of a camera because I am full and ready to talk about this. 

I LOVE Writing

I love writing, I swear I do. My daughter graduated from high-school. I was really amazed how good I was and how I acted because I am NOT on meds.  Meds are a cop-out there are ways that people can deal with life problems that’s real-talk. One doesn’t have to rely on drugs or alcohol in all due in respect your problems are going to still be there when you come off that stuff. I was nice to people that I had problems with at one point in time or another. I was even nice to my dad. I was told to be civil and I was. I know one day I will have to look at him in a coffin if he doesn’t get cremated. I totally understand that. At this point in my life, I am proud of myself. Man, I had so much hate in my heart. I know it had to be my writing for me to get over many situations I have. When I done my 1^st book, I wrote about it and I put it in a story form. I got over the hump that I needed to get over. I forgave but I will never forget. Since I am doing my 2^nd book, I am analyzing my situation with my dad and I am getting over that too. I think December of 2011, I snapped, I had enough of the mental abuse, I just walked away I couldn’t handle it anymore. He knew what he was doing and he doesn’t need to play dumb with me, I am so over that. I really don’t know if I will get emotional whenever he dies to be honest. I have so many mental scars over him and I have so mental scars from this county that I live in. They ran me into the ground full force. I think when I had my mental breakdown. I began to go into deep writing and released the demons that were bogging me down. My problems began like the matrix; I was putting the pieces together and understanding it all. I never thought that I could do this and I am simply proud of myself. I had a hard life, I don’t have the resources like normal people would and get a shrink. I had to be a shrink and teach myself. I was in a hole and I am still there but I am slowly come out of it. Most would have turned to drugs and alcohol. I chose to deal with it. I learned a lot about writing in 1993, when I had to sit through a few anger management classes that my uncle made me do. I told him 3 times that’s all and I wanted my name nowhere. Sometimes I think about that time and I should have gone through all the classes and had my name down. In 1993, I was a stupid little girl. I would recommend writing, I chose to publish mine other people don’t have too. Just writing things down, you get a better perspective in life and that is the God’s honest truth. I am glad that I am becoming a better person. I really am.

The TRUTH Hurts

The truth hurts sometimes. I think that's why I am so proud of myself about these books that I am doing. See I have been in a sewer all my life, I have been up to my neck in shit my whole life basically. I am seeing that while I write my 2^nd book. I am seeing things on a whole new level and I am amazed of what I am seeing on a logical perspective. Slowly but surely as I write the shit is rolling off. I am realizing a lot of stuff that I would not have recognize it if it was not for my writing. Writing opens your eyes to so many things. I am so glad that I did this and I really don’t care what these people think of me either. They can absolutely kiss my fucking ass at this point. It’s nice to have the shit roll off because I have started to live my life and I am 39, how sad and pathetic is that? It is what it is, living my life and telling it like it is. I would not have it any other way. Support or no support, fuck it, I will get through it. One way or another!

I have had my 1^st book done since February 21^st 2013. I was about to get burn with the 1^st publishing company. To be truthful, I don’t know what I am doing when it comes to publishing. I wrote a book that I thought I could never do in the first place. I just don’t need to get burned by money hungry motherfuckers. Then I had to research a new self-publishing company and I feel good about this one and I hope it works out. I am in the process right now of getting my book online it will take time. I have put this in God’s hands and he has placed me with them with hope and faith it will carry me through. I just don’t want to get burned this is a story about my life and it took courage to do and I done it. I am really proud of myself and I think that I done the ending great because this is an ongoing situation. I kept grounded on a fictional basis towards the end of the book. I have to remind myself of legal matters as well. I had several people to read it and they loved it and I should not have any problems selling it. Stalking, slandering and bullying are very much alive these days and this is a good time to launch a book about it. I did live through hell and I am getting through it as best as I can. They told me those particular subjects all over the news all the time. When you get on Dr Phil it will be on then. I have always had a good feeling about these books and I am not doing wrong by publishing them. If someone has a problem with them, they don’t want to hear the truth and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, just saying.

My 2^nd book I am proud of that one, I was told I have a best seller on my hands. I hope that dad reads it and understands. I don’t feel sorry for walking away from that situation either. I could stand in a circle and look around me and I have no regrets what-so-ever because my writing is building me into a better person not a bitter person. I had a chip on my shoulder all my life and its slowly coming off and it feels so good too. If I died, after all my books are published I would know one thing I will be in a better place and having God to have my back feels great.  That’s real talk. 

Is the 3rd time a CHARM? My Facebook!

Here is my personal Facebook:



https://www.facebook.com/itinagraves




Here is my Like Page:




https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tina-Graves/132151743601376?ref=hl




Ok, I still have my 1st Facebook, I check in about every 6 months or so. I got off of Facebook because of the damn DRAMA. It was indescribable and ridiculous.  My 2nd Facebook I got hacked on December 24th 2011. I can not get into that one at all. I said 'Fuck It" for almost a year I had no Facebook because that pissed me off. November 10th 2012,  thought that I would jump back on and give it a whirl.

My friend at work set it up for me in a circle of writers and authors and let me tell you something right now. It has taken off, I am very impressed with it. The Timelines on both pages, rock my world. My hopes were not the best in the beginning. She told me to give it a few months if I did not like it, delete both accounts and be done with it never get back on Facebook again. So far so good. She done a good job and I would never ever have thought about building my pages like she did. I have learned a lot from her and still learning. She knows Social Media. She told me about Twiends for Twitter. She rocks and she also stated that my books will go through the Social Media circle like wildfire and I will not have any problems selling them once I get published. I will say bye-bye to the medical field. Hello to a whole new world, she says, if anyone deserves it, it is you Tina. I have seen you struggle and she does not know how I have made it this far. She is established on the web as well and she will help me. I know that, I just love her. I just wished I had her around January 24th 2010 when I started Twitter. Oh my, I would be in the big-time like her. She has a pen name and she is low key because she is an RN. She is also getting out the medical field too. 20 years for me and 25 for her. She has already told me what to do when I get published. When I have a little bit more money to maneuver around on the web, I can go 'bigger' in the Social Media world in no time flat. I am getting very well established now, it took almost 3 years to do it but I am getting there. She is amazing, a true friend. She wants the best for me and I want the best for her too.

I have yet to add my family I won't. Once I get published, I will add my kids and my brothers. I can't forget my 2 sister-in-laws. Oh my niece and nephews. I have NOT dealt with any drama this time around and now I know where it came from that is a good thing to know. The rest can add me if they want too. I will not search and hunt for anyone. I will not turn them down, that is fore sure. My books are brutal and straight to the point. Most don't want to hear the truth at all. This is my life, my writings and if someone that I know has a problem with it. Don't read my books and stay the hell away from me, it's that simple.

No Support System for this Ole Girl!

Yep, I can say that all at once and mean it. The support system is slim to none here with my book. When I started this journey back in June of 2012 I knew it would be that way. I live in the South and this is where the quote, “Ignorance is Bliss.” Comes in, I knew it was going to be very difficult to do. Most people are the shhhhhh, let’s not talk about it or it’s in your head kind of people. I am like what the fuck ever, I am going to write this book and I don’t care what obstacles come my way. I am writing this book in a fictional form, if they have a problem with it they can kiss my ass. I know in my heart and how I feel this is the right thing to do. I have felt like this from the beginning. If it wasn't for a couple of my friends to talk me into writing this book, I would still be in the same old funky mood and putting up with the same ole bullshit. I am glad that I wrote this book and I am glad that I don’t have that support like I should. I know that doesn't make sense but it makes sense to me because it makes me value my writing more. Now I have some friends at work told me they would pay for my publishing fees because they want the book online and for people to read. They told me I have a story to tell and it will take me to places that I would never dream of going. The book says a lot. They also stated the Dr Phil show will be a plus for me more ways than one. However, I turned them down; they told me they are still there for me if I needed that extra boost. I am very thankful for friends like that, seriously. Those kinds of people are hard to come by. I want to do this on my own though. My first book was my stepping stone for writing. My second book is off the charts and I am glad I am doing it. This time I am writing it down and then typing it out. I am really fortunate to still have my laptop because there were about half dozen times I wanted to break my laptop into pieces because I got mad, going back in time will do that to a person. I got closure with my first book and now I am getting closure with my second book. I thought that would never happen. It’s about my father and my childhood. I know that I will never have a relationship with him again but I will have closure that counts and I hope he understands. I don’t know if he will read it or not but writing the  book is doing me good because I am seeing this in a 39 year old woman’s perspective. I needed that. I have 4 books lined out on my part of the self-healing writing. Then I will start a series of novellas of different people in this county but in a fictional kind of way though. Someone suggested that to me and I ponder my thoughts and it’s not a bad idea at all. I would love to do that in near future. I am taking this one day at a time and I will get my book online. 

God Loves His Bad Children Too

What I am getting at is that, ‘God does NOT judge people.’ Yeah, I am very opinionated person and I take up for myself on the highest level. Who else is going to do it? Nobody but me! I suppose all the stuff I have been through all my life and especially the last 9 years. I did not have any intentions of backing down from that matter. Writing my book about it changed my life and changed my way of thinking and I cannot wait to publish it. Talking about an upcoming life change according to my editor she loved that book and she was happy to help me out. I appreciate it dearly.

Yeah, I cuss and I love women like I do men. I am not going to be damned to hell because how I live and state things. I am being real. Why be fake? Go to church and live a life of pretending. Yeah, my life sucks at the moment. However I am very thankful for the people in my life and the things I have. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God because of him I am keeping my sanity intact. The person that lives in the fake world of pretending will eventually meet their Karma one day and lose everything. That’s how it goes. Speaking of losing stuff I lost more than my share in this lifetime. I was put in this situation for a reason, I believe that now as I wrote a book about it.

I have no desire to change because I am as good as it gets. I hope one day I can get my college degree. I will be the ONLY grandchild to do so. I don’t have that much longer to get it either. The battle that I have been battling over the years will come to a close soon. When I publish my book! All the stuff I lost along the way I will be able to retrieve most of it however I will not be able to retrieve some of the years that I have lost but I will be able to make the upcoming days better for my children and that’s a promise I can make and keep.

I will keep doing what I am doing and I don’t give a fuck what-so-ever. Either you love me or hate me there will never ever be no in between when it comes to me. I don’t believe riding the fence.

It Is What It Is

What I call this is pure ‘fuckery’ I just  love that word. It brightens my day when I hear it. However, I had to mention, that everything was calm around me going smoothly. I should have known that these people ‘tweak’ on my sites like no other assholes in this world. On March 6 2013, I was leaving for work and I looked at my door handle it was bent so far out and I pulled on it and made it worse. I had a friend across the road he came over and fixed it. I just needed to get another handle that's all. I guess someone was trying to break into my car. I had two days off from work (my door was okay, when I locked it) then I was leaving out for work. I walked into a mess. I needed to get down the road and get to my job. I was so mad, I should have taken a picture but I didn't  I was in a rush. I was not thinking. I got it working again then left.  I have nothing in my car that anyone would want. That just did not make any sense at all. This is the Ass End of the World, Arkansas.  Anything can happen.  :/ I refuse to go to the police. I will NOT do that, waste of time needless to say. I am not going to lie I was mad about it but I soon got over it.

Then 4 days later, I got the strangest text ever, it was a voice text. I was like WTF, is going on now. I was on my way to work, again. I looked at the number and it looked familiar. I was like I don’t know about this then I ignored it. Then I was working in the ICU that night. I looked at my phone and I had another text. A new ‘Snapped’ is on. Then I was like freaking out now. My friend mention to me, did you not mention on a blog about Snapped. I was thinking to myself. Yeah, I sure did. Now I understand, crack-heads will be crack-heads. My friend told me to do a screen shot and I did. In a few days I put it on Instagram.  Because IDGAF, I have been through so much hell. I just don’t care anymore. I asked who it was and I did not get a reply back. I thought that was odd.

On the note, I am going to be so glad to publish my book. I hit a road block because the company I was going to use is under investigation. I talked to them on the phone they fumbled every sentence when I asked a question. I did find another company and I will be dealing with them very soon. Everything happens for a reason, a slight delay with my book is okay. I will get there no ands if or buts about it. In the mean time I will keep blogging and tweeting. I will continue to market my story. One day soon, very soon, it will PAY off for me. I will make sure I take a picture with my middle finger straight into the air and do a lovely blog just for them. DILLIGAF? Nope! This is only making me stronger and wiser just saying

Writing (Myself) OUT of this Situation

Writing (myself) out of this situation has to be the smartest thing I have done in a long-time. I am glad that I was talked into writing these books. It will help me out of my hole that I am in because of this county needless to say. That is OK though, what doesn't kill me through this period of my life will make me stronger in the end. These books are going to help me out mentally, emotionally and physically. Therapeutic writing is the bomb! Why spend money on therapy, when you can pocket that money through books. Something that I thought I could never ever be able to do. I done it! I wrote a book, a novel. It is such an accomplishment. I have turned my wounds into words. I think everyone should write at least one book in their life.

I have had nothing in life but hell pure hell. The next book I am working on is a touchy subject. I am going back to two years of age. I am glad I am doing it and I really don’t care who I piss off because I am being on-point that’s all. I have had several people to tell me I have something write about. They wouldn't want my life that is for sure. Maybe this is my calling my reason to be here. I know I am not the only one that is going through this in past-tense, present-tense and future-tense. That’s how the world works I suppose. Live and learn.

I used to have a place of my own; I had that taken away from me when I did not obey the ‘Good Ole Boy System’ that’s all in my first book. Writing straight from the heart relives the hatred and anger issues that are embedded deep in your soul. That causes so much pain and writing is a sweet release. Yes, it is.

After I get my series done that will be a total of 4 books in all. I will pursue my BA in professional writing. I think I will do this for the next 20 years since I have been in the medical field for that last 20 years. Writing takes me to a happy place and I know I can do it. I have a lot of ideas for future books when my self-healing writing is done and out of the way. I am working at a job that saddens me, why not change it up a little and write about things that I enjoy and love.

You are never too old to start a new adventure. You only live once and live it the way you want too. If people have any problems with it, they can stay away from you or be your friend and help you out through the good-times and the bad. "Life is too short to put up with bullshit." That’s my motto. Just remember, GOD IS GOOD!

Overcoming, Slandering, Stalking & BULLYING!

I am so proud that I was able to write this book. It was a hard one to write. Towards the end, my editor wanted me to read some of it to her out loud. Now that was hard to do, she seen my emotions and actions. Right then she knew she was glad that she helped me with the book and took a part in it. She told me I will not have any problems selling the book and she would not be surprised if it became a Best Seller. The book is ready. She told me, I was making the right choice with Dr Phil and the exposure over these particular subjects it’s happening all over the world no doubt about that. She stated he shouldn't turn me down. She also stated that it took guts to write what I did and kept myself grounded even though it’s an ongoing situation and my ending blended in beautifully while I had to keep my feet grounded from the court system. 

My life is not pretty at the moment however I got to say what needed to be said and that satisfied me. She was impressed with my work. I wrote straight from the heart that says a lot about the writer. Nearly 65,000 words of hell, I got through it. I couldn't have gotten through it without God and prayers. He has been right there by my side and he will be here until I finish my 4 book series. I am pretty sure he will continue to be with me until the day I die and afterwards.

My next book which I am working on now is a killer. Mental abuse, bullying and control all rolled up in one from a parent. I will get through this book too. I can say that there’s NOTHING going on around me now. What I am seeing now people are putting on a fake front and saying how good this one is and that one is. I am like let’s talk about this on Dr Phil; I barely got through reading it out loud. I can’t imagine what being on a stage front of millions of people would be like. Like the story goes, when shit gets real people get fake, yes, I am seeing a lot of that lately. I have opened the gates of hell while I am writing these books; I will close the gates of hell when I am done writing these books. That is a promise I can keep. 

Happy 18th Birthday to 'My Girl'

My daughter is 18 now, OMG~ where has the time gone? I want her to have so much more than what I had. She is so smart with her 4.0 and she got accepted into a great college. She will have most of her stuff paid for that is a good thing. Mama does not have that kind of money. I think the way she seen me struggle through-out the years to raise her and her brother she sees the difference. I tell her all the time; get that education then marriage and children if she wants that. I told her to stay clear of the young men at this time focus on that education most of all. They are nothing but trouble just another ‘notch’ in their belt. That is the truth. I told her not to have children at a young age. What it will get you, a baby daddy that will leave your ass after 2 or 3 kids. It will be over because you are too demanding or the kids are too much to deal with or just can’t get along. I also told her and it will be hard to find someone else with young kids at tow. They will use you as a booty call nothing more. Most will not put up with another man’s children anyways. You need to give that long deep thought girlfriend. There are men out there that will do that don't get me wrong, one in a million, slim to none. You gotta have some good luck to find a man like that. I told her you need a man with a brain, good education and good credit report. Man that will work and provide for you. I have always been the bread winner and she has seen that. I think she gets the picture. I told her women should not have kids until their 30’s that is the God’s honest truth. Live a little and then settle down. I am glad that she seen me struggle raising her and her brother. They have never had things handed to them. Hell, I was doing good to get what they needed in life. I have always done without, I am not complaining that is a mother’s job. I know she is very smart and I want her to play her cards right. She has told me that she does not what any children. I told her you will change your mind in the long run. I also told her to be honest having children in this monster of a world we live in now that would not be a bad idea not to have any. The world has gone to hell in a hand basket, why put a little one in such of a heartache kind of world I must say. But that is up to her. She has to make that decision, no one else. What she needs to do, get that college degree and live free spirited as long as she can. I love her so much and I know she will do well because she has her head on her shoulder. With the right guidance and support she will do just fine. I love my girl!

On the note, when it comes to having kids at a young age. You have massive bills and NO life until they are 18. If you don't have a college degree you are pretty much screwed and you are living on assistance as well. One thing about it, if you are going to college full time and working full time it's a total nightmare however if you are driven you can succeed and make your dreams come true. If you are lazy not driven your life will be complicated for a very long time. My advice, graduate from high school, then college, then children. Make your life simple NOT complicated. Live your life as long as you can then add the BIG responsibilities when you are stable and under control with life.