Re-Defining TINA

Redefining Tina, since I have been working on my book for the last month or so, I have been soul searching and exploring new grounds within myself. This has been an awkward time for me since 2004 putting up with years of bullshit and the disregard of heartless bastards. However I pushed through the trying times of my life, I just thought that it would not end. Just like a forever endless nightmare no hope for Tina. Then here comes my blog to save my life. I love writing and letting my feelings flow throughout the World Wide Web, the internet is a blessing in disguise I do believe. Millions and millions of people have it and that leads into thousands of hits on my blog, I think it’s lovely and satisfying to the point it quenches my thirst.

They just thought they were fucking with a stupid woman that did not know her ass from a hole in a ground. I am a lot smarter and wiser than the fucktards in this county, I promise you that much. Nope I am not fucked-up at all saying it, it’s the truth. I guess ‘cutting of the trees’ done me in, them being on my property in April 2012. I thought to myself, if they got that bid in and came done the job. I guess I would have been on an episode of ‘Snapped’ 3 ‘hot’s’ and a ‘cot’ and ‘lethal injection’ would have been my future. I am glad that didn’t happen, to tell you the truth about it. Enough is enough and you are at your wits end, a person is capable of doing anything when they snap. They did not understand the phrase ‘leave me alone’ I fought hard and fought like a motherfucker over the years. Yes, it nearly killed me but I stood my ground and went on about my business.

My life is one fucked up disaster, I can’t wait to do an interview and actually talk about it. Some have told me in the past, if I ever get on the media circle like Dr Phil, this county is in for it. It would be like putting nails in the coffin. When you pave the way for other people to speak up, that’s all she wrote for this county. It’s a done deal. Most can’t wait, I told them, and I can’t wait for it either. However I am still intact, fierce and strong-willed. I also have my DILLIGAF face-on. All do in respect IDGAF. There are parts in my life that are pretty much shitty and there are parts in my life that I am so freakin’ grateful and thankful, I could go to a mountain top and yell to the top of my lungs, say how ‘thankful’ and ‘grateful’ that I am. Not many out there have that fall back support system. When my feet hit the floor I am giving thanks. There are parts of my life still crashing on my head, I get a migraine from it, but what can I do. I have to take it one day at a time.

I have written people out of my life and I have gain people in my life. I have fallen in love; however that is a stand-still situation. I have to redefine myself before I think about love. From 30 as of right now of the good ole age of 38, I have changed so much, my ‘All American Nightmare’ that I have endured for many many years. It has shaped me into one hell of a woman and I have high standards and ‘love’ well time will tell and I will NOT chase, it could be another ‘All American Nightmare’ hells bells I don’t need that.  I will slowly let that one land on my lap in time if it does. Coming out of a situation that I came out of you get sharp as a tact. I have zero tolerance. I will NOT put up with bullshit. Now-a-days I am a loner; I get out from time to time and have my Tina weekend, to release the stress. Just don’t play mind-games with me, I will eat you up and spit you out and not even blink an eye when I am doing it. I should have been a cop, I would have made a good one. I don’t like the Criminal Justice System nor the Medical Field. I enjoy writing. Not in a million years I would have thought this, but I am glad I am the way I am. I am a good person, I just don’t put up with no nonsense, that’s all. I have two teen-age kids that I am trying to raise and make sure they don’t turn into their parents. These are good kids; they just need the right direction and motivations to get the hell up out of the Ass End of the World, Arkansas make something of themselves.

I will be taking a break from blogging, I have to get my book to the editor soon and I have to two companies that I have to decide on for my self-publishing adventure. I am so proud of myself doing this and having the balls to put it in a fiction book since I can't put the real names out there. Oh well, at least this will be great therapy and I am starting to feel better with my life. Years of hell can really warp your mind. I have to stand tall and stand strong, push my way through it. Get tough or die, brutal honesty right there.

One the note, I do NOT have any problems what so ever anymore. The cops don't stay across the road if I see any they stay away from me. I don't break the law so therefore they need to stay the hell back. The informants get the hell out of dodge when they see me. I don't have time for their bullshit either. When I say leave me the hell alone, leave me the hell alone. I will blog about it and not have one regret doing so. So that is that.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade =)

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. I love that quote, because it relates to my life so much. I have had more than 20 years of lemons. One mistake after another right along with controlling issues in my life, I guess I was the one of the fortune ones (insert sarcasm). However through my life path that my cards have choosen for me, I have learned so many things and most were WTF moments to be exact. I learned NOT to do it again. So I thought that I would do a series of books. My plans are 3 but who knows, I love writing and letting my feelings flow. I was talking to my editor. She brought something to my attention, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” my lemonade would be my books. When she told me that, I started to cry and looked at her with astonishment. She nailed that one plus I never thought of it that way. I have a unique tale (very harsh) with the reality of corruption in a small town but I will be brutally honest throughout my writing in my books.

 I had a chance to talk to a lawyer a friend of a friend situation. My friend, she was so intrigue with my blogs. She knew I could not use real names so therefore she wanted to know about my hometown name. I told her where it took place and she looked it up on Google. She was surprised and speechless needless to say. So, she done some digging and what she found out was quite interesting. Her lawyer friend told me what to do and he did not charge me either lol I have pretty much scraped my first notes of my book. I am going about this a different direction and I am going to bring this famous mountain at one time through a song back on the map. I will be bringing it through a book instead of music. Then I talked to my editor and she done a similar book and use the same real places but changed the names. Real names will get you in trouble but I want to draw my readers in by placing actual places where it can be researched and understood by different people around the world. I have a dead-line but I know I will make it. Now I feel somewhat complete and I can shake this book like no other. There has been another book done in this county though. That was back in the day.

 This mountain has history and tons of it and it’s not good for the most part but the other I could say maybe because of this one loving man that I got the chance to know. May he RIP because he lived many, many years and told many, many tales throughout his stay on that mountain. I am going to enjoy this and I can’t wait to get it done. Let the good-times roll in the near future. The truth shall set me free!

Dear Baby Daddy

Our children are almost grown hopefully they will be on their own someday, fingers and toes crossed. I thought I would do this particular blog for a particular reason I must have to say. Now do you really, truly, positively want our children to grow up like us? Hmmmm, hell to the NO not on my part! I think looking back over the years, what the f**K was I thinking when I got hooked up with you? But, I have to thank you for giving me the two most precious people in this world though. Our daughter and our son are the most well behaved kids and thoughtful, I can’t forget courteous. I think how in the hell did these kids come out the way they came out with the life they have had to live. It is shear amazement; I tilt, shake, and scratch my head on a daily basis because these kids ROCK! Now why would you want to control them and keep them from doing what they need to do in this world to survive? How about helping them spread their wings and fly for a better way of living in this world. I was controlled for most of my life damn near all of it. I got rid of that problem last year and I don’t regret it one bit. My life is getting better imagine that. Now keeping the kids from experiencing things is totally wrong on your part. I give my kids freedom when they are with me. I just tell them DO NOT become like me or your dad you guys will do fine. I want them to do so much better than us. I get excited of the thought they would achieve high greatness of the situation that they are coming out of, these kids are grown and not babies anymore. What I think you should do (baby daddy) you need to pull your head out your ass and make sure these kids get a college degree and make something of themselves and NOT be like us. I am getting out of this bullshit abyss that I am in, since 1990, well really 1988 to be exact. I know where you will be at. When your parents die off, you will be set for life. I guess waiting until death is your thing but for me I am off and running after our son graduates. It’s NEVER too late to achieve high greatness that is what I will do. You need to give this a thought and quit over controlling these kids like you do. Freedom is the key word for the adult children that we have and they will be grown soon. Time does NOT stand still. Living in the South has nearly driven me nuts, but the East Coast is around the corner for me, thank goodness!

An Activist/Advocate

An activist role is a hard job when you are trying to get the word out about the filth and corruption of a small town. I have had some to tell me that I am hitting a nerve with some people and the law enforcement in this county. I told them you don’t know what hitting a nerve is until you talk to family and friends of the murdered victims because of the fowl cover-ups and malice. Talking about hitting a nerve with me needless to say! Then I have people to thank me for being the voice for the dead. That right there means a lot to me it really does. I don’t give a f*ck what they said about me, to the ones that I am hitting a nerve with. They didn’t give a f*ck about me and my feelings, nor my emotions. When they came down hard on me with stalking, slandering and bullying! They did not care that my nerves were so bad that I was breaking out in hives and my hair was falling out by the hand full. I just couldn’t take it anymore I had to sell everything I own, to move out the county because I did not obey the ‘good ole boy system’ these mother*ckers tell me I have hit a nerve with them. Plus when I got to Little Rock it was so hard on me but I done the best I could and went on about my business. Then my world came tumbling down and I had to move back in 2010. Then from May 2010 to September 2010 it was so hard living where I was living because of the slander, stalking and bullying from these so called fktards. Then I had a bright idea came over me, the internet baby let’s get the word out and that is what I did! I don’t regret one minute of it. All I ever wanted was a normal life however that was not how life unfolded for me. I should have gotten my ass out of Arkansas in 1993. I had a chance but let it pass me by, what a mistake that was. So therefore I have been stuck in an abyss for nearly 20 years. I have been through it and I am one tough woman. I should have cut ties with certain individuals’ long time ago. However I didn’t. Being drug through hell over and over again, it’s starting to shape me into a hardcore activist and I love every minute of it. However I am getting over my pain. I love writing it's helping me out. However I will not quit blogging nor writing books. If that is going to help me out mentally and spiritually, so be it. I will continue doing so and living my life the way I want too, not how others want me to perceive it, just saying.

Happy Birthday to MY Son

My son turns 15 today. OMG ~ the time has gone by so fast. He was born prematurely however you can’t tell that now, not by a long-shot. He had to stay at the Arkansas Children’s Hospital for a few days. He was born a ‘little’ runt and now is he is nearly 6’2 and 200 pounds. I know one thing he is a fine young man. He is smart and has a sense of humor and he is so freaking hilarious. If you’re having a bad day, he will snap you out of it that is a promise. I am so proud of him. Just like his sister they haven't had that life with a silver spoon in their mouth. I think that is a good thing. His intelligence is off the chart and it’s astonishing needless to say. To me, my son is like a ‘Big Ole Teddy Bear’ he is so lovable. Like I have been telling his sister I have been telling him too. They both can break the cycle and not take the same steps as me and their dad did. I really don’t want him to be like his dad anyways. His dad has financial problems hell of a lot worse than mine plus other things are going on with him too. That worries me. My son is smart and he is told that all the time. I push him and his sister they can do so much better than their parents. I got stuck in a cycle of hell however they will not be stuck in the bullshit cycle that I am in now. I will go up and beyond for my kids even if I have to stop my dreams, to make sure they are guided in the right direction. I want them up and out of here. This county is a ‘black hole’ when you get stuck in the cycle of lost dreams, it’s so hard to get out and overcome it. I know all about it. Both of my kids have their head on their shoulders and I am extremely grateful and thankful for that, seriously. I am blessed to have a good son like I do. He is respectful and obedient that right there is hard to find in kids today. I think a hard life makes a good future, that’s how I feel anyways. With a little guidance my son will do just fine. I love both of my kids so much. If there is a will there is a way that is how I see it at the moment. In today’s time guidance is what kids need and lots of it. I live right in ‘meth’ alley, hell and high-water I will make sure they are NOT around that crap by all means. I love my son, brutal honesty goes a long way when you talk to your kids, I don’t sugar-coat anything. When you talk to your kids tell the truth and how life really is they will respect you in the long-run. Shhhhh will not cut it me. IDGAF if I live in the South. I am blunt and straight-forward and I don’t think I will be changing anytime soon. Both of my kids, ROCK! I love them so much!

The Island =)

To me I think the Criminal Justice System is for the criminals and that is the God honest truth. Some of my friends and I were talking here while back. It was brought to my attention and some of them had pretty good ideas. All these islands that are empty and they are just there, we should put them in good use. The CJS should step in and buy these islands and put criminals there. The technology is off the charts shear amazement to be honest. The working citizens that pay (taxes) make sure the criminals are taken care of is a bunch of bullshit! Buy these islands and set it up with GPS, the technology is out there and the CJS should use it. So many yards from the water fence it off and put sharks in there, killer sharks to be exact. Big Brother (the eye in the sky) put devices on the criminals like ankle bracelets or insert a tracker on their body somewhere. CJS should use the Charles Darwin theory, “Survival of the fittest” in my terms ‘get tough or die’ we baby these people and that is so wrong. Put them on an island, let them build their own place to live and let them survive the old fashion way. Live off the land! Once a week fly planes over and drop food for them and make them fix their own damn meals. This goes from the killers to the dope cooks to the crooked cops. They did not have any problems fkken up other people lives and destroying it. Why should we baby people that break the rules? No wonder they want to stay in jail, hell they have it made in there. That’s some straight up bullshit right there. They need to make it hard on them than being easy. It’s a damn shame that the justice system is the way it is. The Criminal Justice System is ass-backwards and that is a damn shame, got to love living in the United States of America. I know a few in this county stays just a short-time in jail, then they are out and destroying lives again. They should really stay in there for 20 years to life, if you ask me. It is what it is in the United States. I know back in the day, I was a bad-girl and lived on the wrong-side of the tracks. I should have had my ass dropped on an island all by myself for about 3 years with NO planes to fly over with food, just saying.That would have done me justice in a serious way.

One word (lynching) End of Story!

Can you imagine you are in jail and you are an African-American male, you live in a county full of racism and malice? That kind of behavior has a full life in this county needless to say. What I am getting at, you are laying in your cell-on your bed, minding your own business. Then here comes 2 cops and they yank you up out of the cell and give you a serious ass-whopping. Now does that sound suspicious or what? I know these cops and they do have a serious attitude problem, BTW. I guess it was a day to whoop-ass and let’s get the black guy. That’s how I see it and that is how I am calling it. I think they just had plans to beat him and put him back in the cell. There are ways you can beat someone not leave bruises, that’s kinda scary to think about it. The way it turned out was fatal and the cops needed an alibi and they hung him in the cell. When you see a hanging especially in a police facility in all do in respect, it’s a ‘suicide’ now that kind of behavior runs wild in this county, when all else fails just call it a suicide, SMH. Well its truth. The sheriff will write it off as ‘suicide’ how sad and pathetic is that? Can you imagine the fear in the African-American male eyes when they were approaching him? No wonder they are so hostile in this county. I would be adverse too. I am kinda like that now, to tell you the truth about it. I did not know this man personally however I knew one of his cousins. That is beside the point. This is call police brutality and I don’t like it. These cops will do you in if you let them. I know some don’t like my blog, fk’em that is how I am going to roll with that one. I will not sugarcoat at all that is so NOT me, like I have stated before, “there are only 20% that are good cops, 80% that are pathetic” just stating the obvious. This county really needs a make-over and I have no problems pointing it out. The stuff that goes on is so inhumane and it just makes me sick at my stomach. No wonder ‘Big Brother’ is on the move. They need to get control of that kind of tomfoolery and insanity, damn it man. When I heard this, I was skeptical about it then I did my research, the truth is known if you search it. Come on ‘Big Brother’ and do your thing, this kind of behavior needs to end. I hate racism, I swear I do!

A BOOK, I think so, it's TIME!

When I done my, “Depression TimeLine” I spoke up too soon. I will be blogging about this occurrence I betcha! See I live in tornado alley. We had 2 trees to be cut down before they landed on top of the house. However that is beside the point. We were looking for someone to cut the trees, low and behold my ex-father in-law and my ex-husband from my last marriage came to my house, ummmm I have been doing these blogs for quite some time now. They actually came to our house to place a bid to cut them down. I mean, seriously? Really? My jaw about hit the floor, we had numerous people to place a bid to cut the trees down. Luckily someone else done it and it was at a reasonable price and they had the job done in two hours tops. Let’s get back to the ex- and the ex- in law; it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. If I was them, this is what I would have done, I would have said, “Hell no, I will not cut those trees, but I will recommend someone though.” It’s all about common sense and logic and that doesn’t exist around here. That just blew me away. However it was not long I was on Twitter and (tweeting) my thoughts about it. I am not bashful, not one bit. Then they turned around and told us, “Now if this is going to cause problems with Tina, we will not do it.”HELLO I don’t want my 2^nd ex-husband on my property around me or my family. I found this quite disturbing since I have been blogging about my troubles for quite some time now. I got sick at my stomach and cried I will not lie about it. Then I asked a few people what they thought about it. All the same answers, my ex, he just wanted to be near me and his wife knows it too. It’s no secret. It’s some sick shit and I need to always keep myself protected and guarded at all times. I just shook my head and try to find the perspective within this nightmare and I have not quite figured it out yet.

So I will be doing my own book in my own words. Well, at first I wanted someone else to do it and I would do like an interview talk about it. What I am saying talk to someone and they can worry about the wording and the sentences. Blogging and writing a book are totally different. Now I want to do it and because it will be therapy and it will help me in the long-run. I have some really good friends and they want me to do it too. Several keep up with my blogs. One of them is an editor and she wants me to type it and she will structure it, the way it should be. She has no doubt in her mind that the book will be a success but I need to be the one to draw in the audience. She told me I could do it. The only reason I was iffy about it. I have doors that are closed with pad locks on them, now I have to unlock and open the doors. She told me, I will feel oh so much better and I can heal and move on. She is the one that is pushing me. I am over me being scared; I am ready to do this. I know in my heart it will help me most likely piss people off. I am to the point I don’t give a shit. You know, it will be 2 years this year 9-17-12 of me blogging and they pull that shit, yes; I am so ready to do this book! I think so!

On the note. all that I have lost, the time that I can't get back. The mental abuse that I have endure over many, many years. I am one pissed off woman. I am thankful for what I have at this present time.I am 38 years old. I should NOT be in the situation I am in, I have lost a lot and I am drowning still. I can't win for losing because of these sick and twisted bastards. It's time for me to blow this shit out of the water. I will come out on top, just watch me. I got this, hands down! Eight years worth, 2004-2012, yup, I have a lot to discuss I do believe.

The Killing Kind

I will prolly get in trouble talking about this man, however I am not putting names out there and places I should be alright. He died not that long ago, however he made a statement in this county. Have you ever heard of a big-time drug-lord? The kind of person that has the money and power to make things happen and make people disappear without a trace he was just that kind of man. The last name alone made some shiver down their spines. As I was growing up I heard all kinds of tales about him. Most were scared of his presence, because he got away with a lot. I never cared for him to be honest about it. He owned a liquor store, back in the day you could actually buy marijuana, kilos of cocaine any kind of drug just pull up to the window. No shit, I know for a fact that went on. Now that is running the game. What stood out was this so-called well. The ‘well’ of doom and catastrophe that is fact to be known in this county, if you want someone dead and get away with it bring them here. I absolutely loathe this county. Hell, supposedly I was to be dropped in the ‘well’ if that was the case; I took care of the situation real quickly. There are some that weren’t scare of him. Like one stated to me, “he might be in his own well of doom” I found humor in that, seriously. Someone that is deviant and out-spoken (like me) gets put in their place and this man was hired to the job. If you didn’t have the money, you would have to sell your soul. When he comes, calling for you to do something, that person had to do it or suffer the consequence. Most likely it would be ‘death’ that’s how he rolled around here. I always consider him as the ‘devil’ and when I was told that he died, this is what I said, and “may he rot in hell.” I am not f’kd up about it. The FEDS wanted that man, however I told one of them, he will be dead soon with cancer and you will not have to worry about him anymore. The look that I got was priceless, then he said, “He was too mean to die” and then I said, “Karma is a bitch” I know what I am talking about. I know a lot of bad very bad people that has died in this county the last few years. Like the story goes, “When you dance you have to pay the fiddler” this county is filthy and malodorous. I just got tired of the stalking, slander and bullying and here I come with my blog and I have no regrets at all. This man here was a POS and there aren’t many that will have the balls to say that. No love lost here. This county has made the ID Channel twice to my knowledge; I know the one about a particular mountain. I would NOT doubt that man had something to do with it; I would not put it past him. This county dwells on evilness and I think it would not be a bad idea, to fly airplanes and drop blessed holy water all over this place. It is totally rank-smelling up this bitch. I am going to keep it 100, some that read my blogs around here they are like, hell yeah Tina. Some just can’t stand me. If it wasn’t so nasty and malice I would not be blogging, just saying. I don’t dig corruption!

The East Coast

The East Coast that’s where I want to live, when I get my children raised, I want to get the hell up out of here. The Ass End of the World, Arkansas it’s no joke. I absolutely hate it here. I was born and raised in Arkansas all my life. So many has stated, why the East Coast? I don’t like the West Coast; I hate California as much as I hate Arkansas. Don’t get me wrong, the west is very beautiful, breath-taking scenery. I just don’t like it out there. I don’t like the North, Chicago is too damn windy. Maybe it was just a windy day, however it has stuck with me ever since. That’s what I remember. The South, let’s NOT go there. New Orleans one of my favorite places, I would not live there though. Florida is another fascinating place, still the South. The East Coast moved me for some reason. If I had the money and a 6 digit income, I would live in New York City in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. I was there just 2 and half days. That’s all it took for a young girl at that time and New York, imprinted my mind like no other, it has stuck with me for 20 years now. It has been that long since I been to the East Coast. I wanted to go this year and take my kids on an East Coast tour, but that has gone right out the window. I want them to see the East Coast and see how beautiful it is. What a damn shame. Well, at first I wanted to move to New Hampshire. However I have been doing my research on Maine. I am pulling towards that direction now. I want to be on the coastlines, where I can go to the pier when I get ready for some relaxation and some me time. No, I am NOT running away from Arkansas, I want to make that clear. I want to breathe again. I am mentally and emotionally scarred from the damages that I have had to endure living in Arkansas. I want to be able to learn to live again and breathe again and trust again. This part of Arkansas has taken a lot away from me. As long as I live here, I will not be able to forgive. I know I will never forget however there is a hump I need to cross over and I want to make a life out on the East Coast. Here in Arkansas, I still deal with chaos I don’t know what is going to happen to me from one day to the next. I hate Arkansas so much it’s kinda scary to be honest about it. I can’t get past things here and I will NEVER get past them as long as I live here. It’s going to take me to move far, far away from here to gain control of what I have lost. I know once I get to the East Coast, it will be so emotional for me because I actually got out of a hell hole, and not be stuck there the rest of my life. I will most likely be crying for a week when I get out there. I know I will NOT live long living in Arkansas. I live with too much stress. Going to the East Coast, I will have a chance to live. Here at the Ass End of the World, Arkansas. I am dying let’s be truthful about it. I am miserable and very depressed here because I feel trapped and I can’t escape. I am down in a hole with no control. Depression hurts so does, stalking, bullying and slandering. I am too scarred up. I hate life. I should not have to feel like that. I know that life is beautiful and I want to go where I can breathe and make a new life again. I just want to live the way I want too for once. That is not much to ask for needless to say. This has been going on for too long and I need a break of some sort. A person can put up with so much. This is not a win-win situation. I have put up with all can; by God I will find some kind of peace and tranquility out there. Enough is enough and I need a new direction. My life is really f**ked up at the moment, that is a damn shame too. It’s up to me to make a change and I am going to change this, seriously. Changes are coming, I am a very driven person and I will break through this, I promise that much.