September 10, 2015

September 17, 2010 to September 17, 2015, 5 years of H-E-L-L!

In one week, 5 years going on towards my testimony. My blogs, my timestamps.

In two weeks, going on 6 months of hell with my wreck. No car, no job, no money. I'm the victim, I still remain in the pits of hell. The corrupted SOBs put me there.

I loathe Arkansas I fucking hate this state!

Then I have to see my 2nd ex husband the one that has caused all this bullshit for me. See him going up and down the road makes me sick to my stomach. He is the main cause of this situation and I would give anything to have a delete button in my life, that part of my life would be forever gone. I promise.

I wrote a book and told the truth and getting punished because of my wreck I think not. I'm a warrior goddess motherfuckers remember that.

Then have the Fast and the Furious to be replayed in real life by a young man. I would love to ask him a question or two. Stopped on a hill, decided to run a stop sign doing 60 miles plus an hour. Thinking it's cool to do so. I think not, he could see me coming down the road and he sees the 18 wheeler stopped at the stop sign (opposite side) waiting for me to pass by. The young man thought he could beat me and charge over the intersection without stopping at the stop sign as fast as he could go. It didn't work out to well he hit me flipped landing upside down by the 18 wheeler. From that day my life turned upside down and began my living fucking hell for me and my family. Thanks a lot heathen. The report looks like a fender bender. Imagine that!!!

I think what pissed me off the most my mom saying this caught my attention very clearly. She left the wreck scene to go to the ER with me and thinking the police would do their jobs and do them right. That's why she or WE will not step foot in the state police building because they lied at the wreck scene, why would it make any difference going there and be lied to all again relive the nightmare. She holds truth with that statement.  I refuse to put my pinky toe in that building because I don't want any more knives stuck in my back. Real talk real truth baby. It angers me that my mom doesn't have faith in the state police but it really angers me I have no faith in cops. To me they are lying bastards. Hey, I am calling it like I see it being defeated like I have, you can't blame me at all.

Going on 6 months with no car no job no money. Getting punished by writing a book and getting punished by others protecting the crooked cops and 5 heathens. No reckless driving, no speeding at a school zone, no alcohol in possession by minors that were all under 19 years of age,  on my police report. Just failure to stop at a stop sign, not wearing a seat belt, nothing more nothing less.  But it was my fault and today I'm still trying to figure that one out. I'm the victim I had the right of way and I am getting a total bashing from hell. I don't see fairness in that. The police hung me by trauma. There's not a price tag to be placed on my pain and suffering.

Civil suit, oh yes, there will be one. I really loathe the intimidation that is going on around me and the threats can't forget that. Oh you will have to spend all your money from your settlement to get a civil lawyer. Wrong motherfuckers! A civil lawyer will look at the pictures and look at the police report and my book run with it like a boss. Like a lawyer mentioned to me, we will worry about the money at the end because sweetheart I know you don't have any money to start this but the ending will be just fine the leverage you have seals the deal darling. Your first settlement should go towards making you whole again since you went through a terrible nightmare and to get everything back on track. See I'm not a dumbass after all. I'm quite intelligent needless to say. I loathe intimidation and threats because it will NOT work with me. Any civil lawyer in the US, would take this in a heartbeat because he/she will see potential for a class action lawsuit baby. 35% per person a smart lawyer will take that on with the quickness. A few have seen my pictures and police report see great potential there without a doubt. No money down just let us have it we will worry later about money kind of mind set. I love smart lawyers like that. They know their law. I'm far from stupid hate when my intelligence gets insulted. One said, just one interview on TV it will be like wild fire spreading across social media because tons keep up with me anyways. That's extraordinary he mentioned. Nice to see that kind of clout on the Internet.

Don't get me wrong little darlings about the police. They are good ones and they are bad ones out there too. What people should do is put my shoes on their feet. They were going to work minding their own business an accident happens find out later, you got hit by a drunk driver and the state police covered it up. How would you feel about that if it happened to you? How would you feel if you would have died the alcohol would have never shown up. It's a devastating thing to deal with and live with, trust me I know all about it. I have great amounts of PTSD from this. I live with this every fucking day of my life continuous nightmares over and over again. Why the civil suit get rid of the bad cops because the good cops well the bad cops are making them look like a POS too that's a true story. I loathe police corruption and police brutality I can't stand it. Above the law is bullshit nothing but bullshit. Abusing their authority makes me vomit.

My anger issues are off the charts now, it will take a long time for me to get right. Getting a civil lawyer, he will get me a psychiatrist because he will know my PTSD will be kicking into high gear because I'm reliving everything. I have nightmares and recurring dreams of all the traumatic events that has happened in this county. Sometimes I wake up at night I'm full of rage because of the trauma I have been through that rage I have is scary. I'm hard person to live with to deal with because I have been defeated for so long now. Yes, I have the 'fuck the police'  attitude. Why not? Look what I have been through. I have been through hell and back 100 times over. That's why I'm a feisty non compliant woman because I stand my ground if it nearly kills me to do so.  That's all I know, how to take up for myself when no one else would.

I have lived an American nightmare to the fullest still living it. That's why I want to move to the east coast because peace and tranquility and solitude resides there and my heart speaks up and is at rest there. I will live in New England I bet your sweet ass on that bitches. After all I have been through since 2004 I deserve that much. I should already be living in New England right now, working going on with my life. I was moving there 2nd week in June. To think about it as of now makes me sick. I should be living my life not a damn nightmare.  Oh, I deserve a spot on the Dr Phil show too and trust me I will get there with my civil lawyer right by my side I betcha.

Kayli and Kade, they have a mother that is emotionally, physically and mentally ran down. I can't provide for them like I want too. I feel like a POS to be honest. I have very good kids. Has anyone thought about their needs and what it's doing to their mother. They have to witness this too. Certain people should think about this because it's affecting them on great levels. I loathe this situation I swear to God I do. Makes me so mad I can't see straight. Inhumane at its finest. My kids are 18 and 20 they are not little kids. They see this on a mature level. They see the pain the hurt that dwells in me on the daily. That hurts my heart and soul.

Let's talk about the my car, I had a NEW car until it got totaled by a heathen. My first new car in 10 years because I was never able to afford one. I got to drive it for 6 months to the day. Let me mention my last doctor's visit. I wish I could go back to that day. At first I couldn't work, then I got on light duty. Which at the hospital there's no such thing and I have an email that said that by my ex boss, NO LIGHT DUTY work here. She always mentioned to me I need to work. I got tired of saying that I don't have a car. I quit saying it. My mom's car I couldn't make a schedule at work because I never knew when I could go in if she needed the car I couldn't go to work. At the time of the property damage settlement, I couldn't work. I couldn't lift. I could not afford a car payment when I could not work how was I going to pay for it. It was no win situation for me not at all. Jabs by the doctor, jabs by the firm, jabs, jabs, jabs, I don't have a car to perform daily activities. This wreck was not about me. I was left in the pits of hell from the get go. It was about protecting crooked cops and 5 heathen boys. Fuck Tina she is on her own. If I could cuss that doctor out I would. This wreck was not about me and my needs. Since working was shoved down my throat, I wished these motherfuckers would supply me a car to get there. I did try to work first week in June, my back could not hold out. I was having problems. I wish people would lay off about working because I have NO car to get there.

The Civil Lawyer meeting
He put all the pictures together one by one. He laid out the police report. He placed my book at the end. I already knew what he was about to say.
1) Alcohol was at the scene, it's all over the pictures. Sobriety test to EVERYONE even YOU! I was laid out in the middle of the road.

2) The pictures shows a school. High speed and reckless driving at a school zone. Truck turned upside down that meant he was traveling at a high speed.

3) You passed out several times at the wreck. You needed to stay over in the ER/hospital for observation not be in and out like you went through. Sometimes an MRI and Cat Scans can't catch stuff at the very moment.

4) Pictures should have been taken. That right there shows they were protecting the boys. Alcohol was everywhere.

He said, it was a set up and a cover up. The pictures the police report and your book tells a story. He looked at me and said do not let them intimidate you or threaten you. You don't have to use your settlement for civil that settlement is for YOU to make YOU whole again to make things right in your life like they should be your experiencing a nightmare a very bad one. All you have to do is give me one dollar, I will take your case on. We will take a picture with it in the beginning and a picture in the end. Any civil lawyer will take this on without a doubt. He told me medical will be redone to rest his mind. However one nerve damage seen, I know the consequences, you don't, I do. You shouldn't have to worry about it. A psychiatrist is a MUST for PTSD that you are dealing with. He told me do not let them punk you down. This civil can turn into a class action lawsuit it's there. I told him, God, couldn't get out of this if he tried. He stated you are absolutely right.

Here's the million dollar question, what has my mom, Kayli and Kade done to deserve to live with a monster, which I am talking about myself. My PTSD is off the charts. What have they done to deserve this? This is a simple wreck with tons of pictures to tell the story different from the police report, it should have been done a long time ago. This has created a monster in me. I have gotten blamed from the get go on this and it was clearly NOT my fault at all. This absolutely positively truthfully makes me sick. I have been picked up and slammed on the ground since my wreck, March 24th 2015. When will this fucking nightmare will end so I can start my civil case? That's the million dollar question!!!!!!!!!!

Let's talk about my PTSD and my depression. My PTSD ranges in so many directions. However RAGE is the main one if people actually knew what I thought I bet them a million dollars it would scare the shit out of them,  I promise that much. The RAGE inside me is indescribable. Sometimes I scare myself that's being as honest one can get. When I get to that level, I isolate myself from the world until it passes. Then I have depression, I lay in bed for days in and days out for days. Don't want to move, don't want no one to talk to me. Leave me alone attitude. I do a lot of crying so much crying it's unreal. I have no car, no job, no money. That just tears right through me pisses me off. I feel useless worthless a POS. I had a hustler mentality now I don't. I think back what the cops have done to me since 2004. What my 2nd ex husband has done he brought on all of this on me because I would not take him back. The good ole boy system at its finest. Thugs and crooked cops destroy my life and my happiness. I finally found a way out I was supposed to move to New England in June the 2nd week to be honest. I wanted out of Arkansas so bad because of the stress I was living under looking over my shoulder and so on. When I was in New England, I was breathing, living and enjoying myself something that I haven't done in ages it felt so fucking good too and I missed that, I want it back.  I had my 5th visit just a few weeks ago and I wish I was there right now.  Most of the time I wish I would have died in that wreck. I would have been better off. Everyone around me would have been better off. I see no fairness in this wreck. This wreck was not about me, this wreck was about protecting the crooked cops and the heathen boys not about me and I was the victim here LOST everything and I am the one that is getting shit on. There's not a day that doesn't go by I wish for death upon me, hoping I don't wake up just let it end for me. I feel like I am being punished and I have lived through enough punishment to be honest. I want to live in New England and I am stuck here because they don't want to finish this 1st case up that's why the stalling. This 1st round should have been over with by now, so I can start my civil case. Why the delay because of the protection of the monsters that caused this for me. I loathe Arkansas, I hope I move soon. I will never ever move back here not in this lifetime I am done with Arkansas so done. Now I'm hoping and praying I can draw out my retirement pension from my last job so I can have money, I need money. This is ridiculous that I have to go to unusual extremes to survive in Arkansas. That's all I have been doing here is surviving and existing not one ounce of living here in Arkansas.  Here I am the victim and I am getting punished to the max because I survived a wreck and wrote a book I told nothing but the truth so help me God. I don't understand why I didn't die March 24th I'm still living in hell. I would have been so much better off dying than surviving. Sometimes I just drop to my knees and cry out, why this test? Why me?  How strong do I have to be before I break into? The cards that I drew for this lifetime is such a fucking bitch. Lessons upon lessons not blessings upon blessings. If I'm the 'chosen one' why am I drowning in a sea of pain and torture.  

Stop right there. You can tell by my popular posts how much blog traffic I get. I get thousands of hits on the daily.  
To the ones that know me and running their mouths please swing by my place we can discuss it. 
My own mom and she was born in 1944. She stated, this has got to be the worst thing she has experienced in her life and she also stated the unfairness when it comes to me the mental torture to ones soul is unbearable. It's a total nightmare and a price tag can't be put on this situation at all hell no.  
No, I don't feel sorry for saying what I have said. I have been pushed to this point. They have created a monster. I have not been kept informed at all. When someone calls they are wanting this bill or that bill. No, I don't feel sorry not in this lifetime. At the moment I feel like a prisoner in Arkansas I can't go anywhere. That's where my breakdowns come in place. I loathe a lot of people in this state. I have every right too. The ones that are around me they do see the unfairness. I have to draw out my retirement to survive. That right there is sad and the scum I have no remorse for. All I know when I do get on TV and I will get there I promise. When the shit goes down everybody better be ready. That's a fact baby. 

September 17th 2015

Today makes 5 years of dedication to this blog with my writing, since my wreck, I am mentally, physically and emotionally broken down. I am numb and I am at the bottom can't sucker punch me anymore I couldn't feel it. It severely pisses me off. Now I am in hopes of drawing my retirement out and they don't penalize me too bad for it. My kids need clothes and other things. I am running out of everything, I have hardly anything left. My anger issues and depression grows every fucking day. I hope I can draw out my money. I think it's pathetic I have to do this but it is what it is. I trust no one but my mom, Kayli, Kade which I can't wait to move to New England. I will get there soon, I just know it. I sent out a serenity prayer and hopefully next week will be a good week. I am praying and doing my rituals for a much needed break.

September 24th 2015

Today marks 6 months since my wreck, 6 months that my life has been on hold. No car, No Job, No money. All I was doing that day of March 24, 2015 was going to work and doing my daily routine nothing more nothing less. September 24, 2015, I should be living in New England and going on my daily routine of working and paying bills just living my life because I couldn't live my life in Arkansas the way I wanted too. However that did not happen for me needless to say. A nightmare from hell appeared out of nowhere. My life was in inches being taken away from me and my family. All I am left with is a false police report. Cops and heathen boys were protected that day and as of now too. I have 30 something pictures that tell a different tale. God, himself couldn't get out of this if he tried. I am the one that is being punished to the max. I did not do one motherfucking thing wrong that day. What? I wrote a book. I wrote a book about the truth. That's what I did. So, punishing me and starving me out and not being able to take care of my kids is my torture everybody around me is being punished too. Hmmmm, if I lied in my book that day I would have died, hands down NO lie karma would have gotten my ass. The God's, the universe and my spirit guides knew I was working my way out of Arkansas and I guess they thought I had a job to do before I left. I landed in a pile of police corruption and police brutality. That's why they carried me through my wreck. Well, I hope I am as strong as they think I am because I am beaten down to the ground at the moment no more sucker punches for me. I am numb I couldn't feel them if I wanted too. I hope they chose the right one to do this job because I am not for sure. I am one tired motherfucker. I am physically, mentally and emotional drained there's nothing left of me. I need a recharge. I need my personal injury check to make me whole again and get the fuck out of Arkansas. However, threats and intimidation is getting on my last fucking nerve because I am NOT backing up this corruption. I am going to take this to a civil lawyer and pursue a civil lawsuit. I straight up don't give a fuck if this county doesn't want a civil lawyer in here or not. They shouldn't have covered the wreck up in the first place. My pictures (alcohol everywhere) my very false police report and my book (my book of truth), cinched the deal. When I get on national TV when the shit goes down everybody better be ready. I don't give a damn, no one didn't give a damn when I was laying out in the road passed out from my wreck. They were too busy covering it up. Sorry motherfucking assholes because I wrote a book about the truth. I will find out who covered this up and I will make sure they are fired and they are on TV for the world to see what they have done to me. Going on 7 months of my life being on hold part 1 should have been already over with by now. This wreck has mentally fucked me up to the core. I am a recluse. When the civil lawsuit starts up. I will feel sorry for the psychiatrist because I will have to go back to when it all began, he or she will need prayers because my rage will be off the charts. My rage is very scary right now. I can't wait to move to New England to heal, healing is what I need. Yes, I will travel back and forth for my court dates. I trust NOT a motherfucking soul in the state of Arkansas. I never ever will again. My ONLY support system  is my mom, Kayli and Kade, that is it. I will be glad to move to New England. I need peace, tranquility and solitude. My future shrink will agree with me on that one I promise. I can't wait to grace my presence on national TV and tell this story like a boss. I ain't scare either, go ahead make my day motherfuckers, threaten and intimidate me IDGAF anymore. I dare you. I will NOT back down from this. Justice will prevail for me, I bet your sweet ass on that. The truth will come out! Being 6 months without a car, job and money has turn me into a raging fucking bitch. I am out for justice and I will get it too. I am on a mission.

My Book........

People are asking about my book. I am NOT worried about Outskirts Press, they will get their day one day. Karma will be knocking soon. I placed that out of my hands a long time ago. I just keep my blog out there to warn people that's all. Yes, they have fucked me over however I am NOT worried. I haven't got a royalty check in a year and a half so that is that.

My book will be pulled and I can add my wreck to it and I did leave out a few things I will add those. I will revise it. Second addition. I have a feeling once I am in the public eye, not behind a computer screen, nor tablet and MOST of all a phone. My book will be republished and a movie will be made from it. I have a story to tell. Universal Studios will have a field day with this I am sure.

My wreck nearly killed me, my wreck has blessed me. The God's the universe, and my spirit guides took over. All the heartache I have been through for many many years and wrote a book, got screwed over with that too. The spiritual world is helping me and I do thank them for that. They know what I have been through and it's been a living hell. I need blessings upon blessings for me, my mom and Kayli and Kade. The spiritual world is guiding me in the right direction and on the right path. I love them dearly for that too.