Ode to the Question

I was asked this question twice needless to say; I avoided it the first time but the second time from another person. I ponder my thoughts and told him directly what I thought about that question. I was asked, ‘Are you afraid of someone coming in your house because it can be easily done, what if they messed with your laptop because I work a lot and I am gone sometimes?’ I was asked this before by woman now a man. This is how I responded to the question; I did not avoid it this time.

First and foremost, I have my laptop locked on my side of it I do. I looked at this person right into the eyes without hesitation. I told him, I know where you are going, it’s about my manuscript. I know there are nosy ass motherfuckers all away around me. Yeah, it’s been in the back of my mind. I went through all kinds emotions while I was writing my first book, I had to withdraw myself. I mean it tore me down to the ground and I had to build myself back up. If someone fucked with my manuscript caused me problems with my publishing’s, you really want to know what I would do. I got closer to his eyes and I could see he was getting scared. This is what I would do.

I looked out the window; I would get in my white car and drive to the Federal Bureau of Investigation the FBI building. That startle him, nope, I am not fucked up about it. I would walk up the steps and I would open that door like I owned that motherfucker. I could see it in his eyes then he knew I was serious. I would ask where I can make some statements. Where is a pen and paper, I will need a lot of paper, you know? Knowing if my manuscript being messed with, I would be pushed to my limit I would snap and I know I could put some motherfuckers under the jail. I have been in a choke hold for so long and if that was done to me so be it. The way I see it, the book is based on a fiction novel, names has been changed. Now when I go the FBI building the real names will come to life. IDGAF anymore! As I write these books I see things so clearly and can’t believe what I have been through and what I have put up with all my fucking life. As I recall, my face has been on the floor in a choke hold in a pile a shit for a looooooong time now. Push my buttons I will cause the domino effect! Then he left without a goodbye, WTF, really. Oh well!

I was watching the news the other day and the FBI of Arkansas wants people to step up and make a stance. I was looking at the news and they are begging for people to step up. It kind of mad me mad at first. I started my crusade September of 2010. I think that I need to get my 4 books published and let me get on Dr Phil and let it play out when it should play out. That would be the wisest choice to do. All of this bullshit that I have to deal with has made me a strong motherfucker.  I had no other choice. My father, well, he can kiss my ass! That’s real talk. I am a good person with a good heart and soul that right there would turn me into a bitch and there would be NO turning back for this OLE girl. I can’t wait to step in front of a camera because I am full and ready to talk about this. 

I LOVE Writing

I love writing, I swear I do. My daughter graduated from high-school. I was really amazed how good I was and how I acted because I am NOT on meds.  Meds are a cop-out there are ways that people can deal with life problems that’s real-talk. One doesn’t have to rely on drugs or alcohol in all due in respect your problems are going to still be there when you come off that stuff. I was nice to people that I had problems with at one point in time or another. I was even nice to my dad. I was told to be civil and I was. I know one day I will have to look at him in a coffin if he doesn’t get cremated. I totally understand that. At this point in my life, I am proud of myself. Man, I had so much hate in my heart. I know it had to be my writing for me to get over many situations I have. When I done my 1^st book, I wrote about it and I put it in a story form. I got over the hump that I needed to get over. I forgave but I will never forget. Since I am doing my 2^nd book, I am analyzing my situation with my dad and I am getting over that too. I think December of 2011, I snapped, I had enough of the mental abuse, I just walked away I couldn’t handle it anymore. He knew what he was doing and he doesn’t need to play dumb with me, I am so over that. I really don’t know if I will get emotional whenever he dies to be honest. I have so many mental scars over him and I have so mental scars from this county that I live in. They ran me into the ground full force. I think when I had my mental breakdown. I began to go into deep writing and released the demons that were bogging me down. My problems began like the matrix; I was putting the pieces together and understanding it all. I never thought that I could do this and I am simply proud of myself. I had a hard life, I don’t have the resources like normal people would and get a shrink. I had to be a shrink and teach myself. I was in a hole and I am still there but I am slowly come out of it. Most would have turned to drugs and alcohol. I chose to deal with it. I learned a lot about writing in 1993, when I had to sit through a few anger management classes that my uncle made me do. I told him 3 times that’s all and I wanted my name nowhere. Sometimes I think about that time and I should have gone through all the classes and had my name down. In 1993, I was a stupid little girl. I would recommend writing, I chose to publish mine other people don’t have too. Just writing things down, you get a better perspective in life and that is the God’s honest truth. I am glad that I am becoming a better person. I really am.

The TRUTH Hurts

The truth hurts sometimes. I think that's why I am so proud of myself about these books that I am doing. See I have been in a sewer all my life, I have been up to my neck in shit my whole life basically. I am seeing that while I write my 2^nd book. I am seeing things on a whole new level and I am amazed of what I am seeing on a logical perspective. Slowly but surely as I write the shit is rolling off. I am realizing a lot of stuff that I would not have recognize it if it was not for my writing. Writing opens your eyes to so many things. I am so glad that I did this and I really don’t care what these people think of me either. They can absolutely kiss my fucking ass at this point. It’s nice to have the shit roll off because I have started to live my life and I am 39, how sad and pathetic is that? It is what it is, living my life and telling it like it is. I would not have it any other way. Support or no support, fuck it, I will get through it. One way or another!

I have had my 1^st book done since February 21^st 2013. I was about to get burn with the 1^st publishing company. To be truthful, I don’t know what I am doing when it comes to publishing. I wrote a book that I thought I could never do in the first place. I just don’t need to get burned by money hungry motherfuckers. Then I had to research a new self-publishing company and I feel good about this one and I hope it works out. I am in the process right now of getting my book online it will take time. I have put this in God’s hands and he has placed me with them with hope and faith it will carry me through. I just don’t want to get burned this is a story about my life and it took courage to do and I done it. I am really proud of myself and I think that I done the ending great because this is an ongoing situation. I kept grounded on a fictional basis towards the end of the book. I have to remind myself of legal matters as well. I had several people to read it and they loved it and I should not have any problems selling it. Stalking, slandering and bullying are very much alive these days and this is a good time to launch a book about it. I did live through hell and I am getting through it as best as I can. They told me those particular subjects all over the news all the time. When you get on Dr Phil it will be on then. I have always had a good feeling about these books and I am not doing wrong by publishing them. If someone has a problem with them, they don’t want to hear the truth and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, just saying.

My 2^nd book I am proud of that one, I was told I have a best seller on my hands. I hope that dad reads it and understands. I don’t feel sorry for walking away from that situation either. I could stand in a circle and look around me and I have no regrets what-so-ever because my writing is building me into a better person not a bitter person. I had a chip on my shoulder all my life and its slowly coming off and it feels so good too. If I died, after all my books are published I would know one thing I will be in a better place and having God to have my back feels great.  That’s real talk.